Daily Joke Thread

[crazedchef]

sorry if double post...

Something Else To worry about!

I'm not really concerned about swine flu, but here's my concern.

• 3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . .
Mad Cow disease.

• 2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . .
Avian flu.

• This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . .
Swine flu.

Next year is the year of the C@ck. (city data blocked the punchline, had to improvise)

Is anybody else worried?

[crazedchef]

THOUGHTS TO PONDER
>
>
>
> 1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer's history if you die.
> 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
> 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
> 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
> 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
> 6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
> 7. Map Quest needs to start their directions on #5; I'm positive I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
> 8. Obituaries would be more interesting if they told you how the person died.
> 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
> 10. Bad decisions make good stories.
> 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know you just aren't going to do anything productive the rest of the day.
> 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.
> 13. I'm always terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks if I want to save any changes to the ten-page paper I swear I did not make any changes to.
> 14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.
> 15. I hate when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
> 16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
> 17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
> 18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
> 19. I think the freezer deserves a light too.
> 20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers ... I bet any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with a Budweiser than with Kay.

[FutureBrennanDad]

The difference between a friend and a best friend
A friend will help you move, but a best friend will help you move a body

[crazedchef]

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked,

"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"


The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied,

"Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

[elnina]

Blond Lion Tamer



A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is an older retired navy chief in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her; feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired chief and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old chief replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

[lonestar2007]

GOD:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.


St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

[FutureBrennanDad]

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court. The judge said "I know exactly what you are saying Mickey but I can not grant you a divorce just because you say Minnie is a little crazy" And Mickey said "I did not say she was crazy judge I said she was F'n Goofy."

[elnina]

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:

(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"),
searching for sharp-looking,
sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
and am looking for someone to
round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath
not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks,
sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock,
still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights
and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick,
or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together
and listen to my eight-track tapes.

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth
seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks,
corn on the cob and caramel candy

MEMORIES:
I can usually remember
Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday,
let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage,
good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

[crazedchef]

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in
the United States Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any
religious reason.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise
Men in the Nation's Capitol....

A search for a Virgin continues.....


There
was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.....

[crazedchef]

Obama is the shepherd I did not want.

He leadeth me beside the still factories.

He restoreth my faith in the Conservative values.

He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,

I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.

He has anointed my income with taxes,

My expenses runneth over.

Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,

And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.

I am glad I am American,

I am glad that I am free.

But I wish I was a dog ...

And Obama was a tree.