Daily Joke Thread (Lorena, Rule: cheap apartment, Home Depot, where to buy)

[PopsGuysRule]

IF BILL GATES WAS A REDNECK
1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders

2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle

3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a heftybag

4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa

5. Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos

6. The Recycle Bin in Winders'95 would be an outhouse

7. Whenever you pulled up the sound player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Feebird!

8. Instead of Start Me Up the Winders'95 theme song would be Achy-Braky Heart

9. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt

10. Microsoft's programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Vishul C++

11. Winders'95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag

12. New Shutdown wav: Y'all come back now, Yah hear?

13. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"

14. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am

15. Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse

16. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver

17. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire...

18. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator

19. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates

[the_dimwit]

Originally Posted by PopsGuysRule

IF BILL GATES WAS A REDNECK
1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders

2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle

3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a heftybag

4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa

5. Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos

6. The Recycle Bin in Winders'95 would be an outhouse

7. Whenever you pulled up the sound player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Feebird!

8. Instead of Start Me Up the Winders'95 theme song would be Achy-Braky Heart

9. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt

10. Microsoft's programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Vishul C++

11. Winders'95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag

12. New Shutdown wav: Y'all come back now, Yah hear?

13. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"

14. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am

15. Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse

16. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver

17. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire...

18. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator

19. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates

Pretty funny, but could probably use some updating. (Windows 95??)

--Dim

[gwrober]

Originally Posted by the_dimwit

Pretty funny, but could probably use some updating. (Windows 95??)

--Dim

Yeah that's an old joke...

[PopsGuysRule]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[SanAntoQT]

A Toddler's Tea Party!!

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watched him drink it up, then said, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only placethat baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

[gwrober]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor to give a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing"

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get that darn jar open."

[gwrober]

A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

The 9-year old son comes home early, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that
the little boy is already in there.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"


Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover
find themselves in the closet again.


Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the
boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold"


A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."


The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to rip off your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost I'm taking you to church, to confession."


In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to the confessional and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that junk again; you're in my closet now. "

[TXtrkgrl]

FATHER/DAUGHTER TALK

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college.

Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.


She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.


One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the a ddition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He

responded by asking how she was doing in school.


Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.


Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"


She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."


Her father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you

will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."


The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played

while I worked my tail off !"


The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently,


"Welcome to the Republican Party."

[PopsGuysRule]

Originally Posted by gwrober

A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

The 9-year old son comes home early, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that
the little boy is already in there.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"


Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover
find themselves in the closet again.


Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the
boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold"


A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."


The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to rip off your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost I'm taking you to church, to confession."


In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to the confessional and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that junk again; you're in my closet now. "

BIG TIME BRAVO!!!! This is HYSTERICAL!!! many thanks....

[PopsGuysRule]

An old couple was watching TV one evening, and the husband got up to go to the kitchen. His wife told him to get her some iced tea, and knowing that the years had taken their toll on his memory, she told him to write it down.
"I can remember iced tea," he protested.
"But I want sugar in my tea too," she told him, "so write it down."
He told her he could remember iced tea with sugar.
"I want a slice of lemon too." she said, "Just write it down."
He left the room grumbling to himself. A few minutes later he came back with a plate full of mashed potatoes for her.
"Now look what you've done!" she yelled at him, "You forgot my gravy!"