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Old 02-08-2010, 03:45 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,354,894 times
Reputation: 4611

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A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said 'ship her home'. Shocked, the undertaker asked 'but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?' The husband replied 'a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take that chance !'
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Old 02-08-2010, 04:08 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,354,894 times
Reputation: 4611
A man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house like he used to.
When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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Old 02-08-2010, 06:54 PM
 
Location: Tricity, PL
61,172 posts, read 85,998,837 times
Reputation: 130895
Quote:
Originally Posted by mkfarnam View Post
A man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house like he used to.
When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
hahahaha...lol
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Old 02-11-2010, 11:55 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,354,894 times
Reputation: 4611


Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the I.R.S.'
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Old 02-11-2010, 05:49 PM
 
3,309 posts, read 5,736,411 times
Reputation: 5042
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised
by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:
"An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is
under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from
an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in
a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business,"
responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage,
I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All
I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot
him." She wasn't selected for the jury.
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Old 02-12-2010, 11:24 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,354,894 times
Reputation: 4611
A man named Jed went hunting near the border of Alabama and Georgia. When he was going back to his truck, a game warden came up to him and asked him what he had in the sack.
"Three rabbits," Jed said.

The warden said, "Let me see one of those rabbits."

So Jed pulled out one of the rabbits. The warden stuck his finger in the rabbit's butthole, pulled it out, smelled it and said, "This is a Georgia rabbit."

Then the warden said, "Let me see your Georgia huntin' license."

So Jed showed him. Then the warden said, "Let me see another one of those rabbits."

So Jed pulled out another rabbit.

Then the warden stuck his finger in the rabbit's bunghole, tasted it and said, "This is a Alamba rabbit. Let me see your Alamba huntin' license."

So Jed showed them to him. Then the Warden said, "Where you from boy?"

So Jed pulled his pants down and said, "You figure it out!"
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Old 02-12-2010, 11:26 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,354,894 times
Reputation: 4611
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.

The Redneck said, "I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!''
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Old 02-12-2010, 11:33 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,354,894 times
Reputation: 4611
Two hicks brought home a puzzle one day, and sat down to solve it. A week later, they finished the puzzle.
"Well, that didn't take so durn long," said one of them.

"Naw, it didn't. 'Specially considering it says 3-5 years on the box."
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Old 02-12-2010, 11:41 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,354,894 times
Reputation: 4611
Q: What do you get when you line up 12 girls from Kentucky?

A: A full set of teeth.
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Old 02-12-2010, 11:57 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,354,894 times
Reputation: 4611
One day Bob and Bubba went fishing. They were catching a lot of fish so they wanted to figure out how to remember this part if the lake.
Bob said, ''I know. I can spit in the water!''

But Bubba said, '' No! How will we know it's your spit?''

They thought and thought and finally Bob said, '' I know. We can draw an 'X' right here on the side of the boat!''

But Bubba said ''No, no, Bob. That won't work! How will we know that we get the same boat next time?''
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