Daily Joke Thread (Allen, Marshall, Mart: camps, deed, tree)

[raa1371]

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement,
not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear,
and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had
bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young
wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this
dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another
dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her
mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to
return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear......I'm wearing it to the
rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''

[mkfarnam]

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his light in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your light!"

[mkfarnam]

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

[mkfarnam]

Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate music.
Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.

After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played "God Save the Queen."

[mkfarnam]

Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for. They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why? The second dog says,"Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep. The second dog says, "Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.

The third dog said,"This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her closes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!" The other dogs say, " so' that's why they are putting you to sleep?" No says the dog, "She is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!"

[mkfarnam]

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"

[ChiccaTX]

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SH1T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SH1T they give our citizens..

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH1T, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SH1T you can handle.

Sincerely,


The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

[elnina]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.'
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'
The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.
'What did I tell you?' said the barber... 'That kid never learns!'
Later, when the customer leaves,
he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says
'Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'
The boy licked his cone and said,
'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'

[PopsGuysRule]

Originally Posted by raa1371

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement,
not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear,
and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had
bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young
wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this
dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another
dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her
mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to
return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear......I'm wearing it to the
rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''

ummm, this is a repeat... scroll back...
you'll see that I even stumped RD with it for a while, which made me feel like I'd posted the BEST joke in the forum..... LOLOL............. PopsGuysRule~~ Holly

[lonestar2007]

Speeding in Texas

1) Good:

An Austin, TX policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" . and a bucket full of money. (And we kids used to just sell lemonade!)


2) Better:

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Dallas, TX . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


3) Absolute Best:

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Texas State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball." He replied "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.......