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Old 03-23-2010, 03:44 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,354,894 times
Reputation: 4611

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The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old.

Today, if Dorothy were to encounter
Men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage -

She wouldn't be in Oz...


She'd be in Congress!
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Old 03-23-2010, 05:27 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in San Antonio
417 posts, read 979,341 times
Reputation: 269
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray.. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I
don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my
business, my house, and my car.. My children are starving. I don't often
ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back
in order.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde
is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this...... Buy a ticket."
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Old 03-25-2010, 04:15 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,354,894 times
Reputation: 4611
A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."
The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."
The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.
When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.
As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."
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Old 03-25-2010, 04:19 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,354,894 times
Reputation: 4611
Man walking into bedroom sees wife packing a case.
He asks, "Where are you going?"
She replies, "I'm going to New York, I've heard pr*stitutes get $400 each time for what I do for free."
The man starts packing case.
Wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm coming to just to see how your going to live on $800 a year."
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Old 03-25-2010, 04:39 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,354,894 times
Reputation: 4611
A man asks his friend 'do you ever talk to your wife during sex ?'.

His friend replies 'yeah,..... if she calls ...'
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Old 03-27-2010, 12:17 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,354,894 times
Reputation: 4611
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino.

She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,

'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered,

'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb. . .

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Old 04-02-2010, 09:35 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in San Antonio
417 posts, read 979,341 times
Reputation: 269
George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi,was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again..

Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing
things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up
at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"



(True Story) I LOVE IT!

Don't mess with old people..

Live well, laugh
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Old 04-12-2010, 09:12 PM
 
Location: Tricity, PL
61,172 posts, read 85,998,837 times
Reputation: 130890
Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
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Old 04-12-2010, 09:35 PM
 
Location: Tricity, PL
61,172 posts, read 85,998,837 times
Reputation: 130890
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are
Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the
sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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Old 04-19-2010, 09:29 PM
 
Location: Tricity, PL
61,172 posts, read 85,998,837 times
Reputation: 130890


This morning I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare.
At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".
So I explained to her that my Dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddys are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because they are dogs.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My Dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn this is a great country.
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