Daily Joke Thread (San Antonio, Anton, Rule: house, to buy, elementary school)

[PopsGuysRule]

Okay... I'm starting a daily joke thread....
Dear Moderator: (I don't think it's AT anymore, haven't seen her around)...
THIS THREAD IS APROPROS TO SAN ANTONIO BECAUSE....
MMM.... WELL.... LESSEE.... San Antonians have a great sense of humor....
Just like YOU!! right????
Okay, here goes: Day One:

APROPOS FOR THE UPCOMING WEEKEND:::::
##############################


A man has 50-yard-line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, another
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he said, "the seat is empty".
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in his right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the
world, and not use it ?"

Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. My wife
was supposed to come here with me, but she passed away. This is the
first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone
else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."

[mudpuddle]

Originally Posted by PopsGuysRule

Okay... I'm starting a daily joke thread....
"

Good one Pops.

mud

An elderly couple was having dinner at another couple's house and afterward,
the wives left the table to go to the kitchen.

The two gents were talking, and one said: "Last night we went out to
a fabulous new restaurant I'd highly recommend."

The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying:
"Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies: "A carnation?"
"No, no. The other one," The man says.

His friend suggests, "The poppy?"

"No, no, no" growls the man.
"You know - the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says.

He then turns toward the kitchen and yells:
"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[Paka]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door
neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

(They live on the NW side of San Antonio...there, that connects this joke with SA! )

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this."
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The
dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I've put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how
they like it."

[PopsGuysRule]

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he didn't need a whole head; he only needed a half head.
The young assistant said he would go ask his manager about it.
He said to his manager, "There's some idiot a-hole out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" replied the manager. "My wife is from Minnesota!!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

[Paka]

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

[sapphire]

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up north in Dulut vhen he
accidentally cut
off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da
Norsky
doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat
I
can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's
2007 and
Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could
haff
put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da
finkers?"


Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

[PopsGuysRule]

Originally Posted by Paka

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

LOLOL.... makes me think of my Dad, who had terrible hearing from about his mid-50's on, BUT.... every now and again, it seemed he could hear a mouse fart in the house next door...

[sapphire]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off

and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men

playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately

clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to

roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately

began to apologize, "Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I

know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll

be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes the man replied. He was in

obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together

at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his

pants

and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for

several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great .....but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

[SanAntoQT]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

~~~~~~~~~~

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

~~~~~~~~~~

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

~~~~~~~~~~

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

~~~~~~~~~~

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

~~~~~~~~~~

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE . God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[The Man in SATX]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse
and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friend ly guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning
...... Today you voted."