New Englander in SD having a hard time "connecting" with people (San Diego: movies, living)
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Just like to say that it is hard to even make eye contact with anyone anymore. They all seem to have their cell phone up to their ear constantly, or are on their laptop, or in their car racing somewhere, while often times doing one of the other two at the same time. I feel sometimes that you have a better chance having a conversation with your waitress than you have with anyone you run into somewhere nowadays. It makes me want to scream sometimes. I used to hate it when call waiting was introduced and you couldn't complete a phone call with someone without them saying, "hang on a minute, I have an other call." Now you can't even get that much respect out of someone.
Funny anecdote: There was a woman in line at Costco gas pump this week in front of me. She finally got to the pump and sat in her car for 2 minutes chatting on the phone while everyone waited in line behind her before she ever got out. When she did get out of her car, she still took another 2 minutes talking on the phone trying to get her cards out to insert in the gas pump and fighting her small son who she kept throwing back in the car each time he impatiently got out to tell her to hurry up. She just didn't care at all that everyone was waiting behind her to get her gas. I wanted so much to get out of my car, grab her phone from here ear, and throw it against the outside of Costco wall shattering it into a thousand pieces. Oh, life would be so much more satisfying if we would go ahead and do things like that when we felt like it and someone deserved it.
Wow, this post pretty much echoes my perceptions on SD. I am originally from the east coast and lived in Ventura County for eight years prior to moving to SD last month.
Wow, a whole month? I'll bet you really have a feel for the place after that geological span of time.
Beware of Dog I hear you loud and clear on the whole cell phone and I pod rudeness. Don't want to change the subject from the OP, just it is true that some people just don't have a clue that they are holding up the line, the sales clerk, the waitress, etc. They are oblivious and it really bothers me when you are out to lunch or dinner with someone and they spend the entire time on their cell phone on facebook or texting as if to say you are boring them. UGH!!!! Whatever happened to living and talking to the live people around you?
As a transplant, I can understand what you mean. Here is my obervation in addition to what the others have said from a mid 30s professional strictly. I think even SD has two different sides. East County folks and the coastal areas. However, I have lived in a lot if places before and "types" can be found in the same places when you get beneath the skin. Cracking the nut is a whole other ballgame though. One quick thing to keep in mind as well as opposed to lots of other states or places in the US. CA was built on freeways. Thus any local "town" connection is somewhat different unless you live in an area detached from an interstate.
For the 'friends' that I have here in SD that are born and bred, there are only a few that have a grip on things. Why? Well there is a self awareness about them and knowing where they fit into society socially and have a decent grip on world events and common sense.
I also found that they are the only ones that have had extensive traveling experience with their parents 'outside the bubble' growing up. Their parents, with whom I have met with as well, vs some of the other parents are genuinely interested in their kids lives and participate.
I think one of the biggest traits that I always see as a 'connector' when traveling to a new place, is sense of humor. SD has no sense of humor, zero. British humor? Yeah you can completely forget about it here. San Diegans and Southern Californians take themselves WAY too seriously on the whole to even understand sarcasm.
Socio-economic status is bar none a top quality that is valued here as an eyebrow raiser (zip code, car). On the east coast, I would say that where you went to college is its equal socially.
SD is just not a place to shoot the breeze at the bar or just have some chit chat about stuff. If you do chat, its gotta be something serious that affects all San Diegans (football stadium, weather...deep stuff) Just too serious here or too worried to offend is my $.2 except.
Now I find the further east you go into the county, were there tends to be less people, its far more friendly and chit chatty like a small town. I find that comforting as the conversations seem to be more about here and now. Go to a place like Julian for the day and you will see what I mean. Its just a chill place and probably more in line with what you may be used to in New England.
east coast sarcasm humor doesn't work in CA, people will think your are being an a-hole. I lived in the east coast for a short time and I had to get used to this type of humor. east coast humor sounds kind of "dooshie" to some californian's, we are laid back and not used to having people be that direct with us. I think the cold weather makes east coasters more tougher (mentaly/socially) in many ways and derives a sense of humor along those same lines. East coasters have better social connections as they need them to withstand and survive the elements i.e cold winters.
We don't have to worry about weather nor the social connections needed to survive the elements and thus our personalities reflect that. When you dont have to worry about weather (survival) you spend more time worrying about other things i.e. status/image. Its all about image here in Socal i.e. the type of car you drive , the clothes you wear etc. SD is laid back compared to some parts of LA.
I am a life long Californian and San Diegan, and know exactly how some people here feel on making connections, and how SD is a place of "Whatever" minded personalities.
People in LA and SD are very different, each have their positives and negatives. LA folks are more daring, direct, and are no non sense type of people. They can take the pain, and put up with the daily grind better than here. While San Diegan's are mainly softy's, likes to take things easy, and are generally like some people have said, "Not Really interested on what you have to say". Also not very outgoing, probably because so many people here just can't afford to go out that often! They are too concered about paying off that $500 a month BMW car payment.
It is difficult to have real true friends in SD, that will stick by your side. It does help to be married, because married people stay put, and have kids that can play with other kids in the neighborhood which can bring people together.
I do find it weird and strange when someone does come up to me and strike a conversation on the street, and I blame that on being from San Diego.
People here do tend to keep to themselves, it's not that people are trying to be rude, it's just the way they are. I would love if somebody would do a study for how many people have depression in SD. Even a questioner regarding what people in SD find socially unacceptable/acceptable, and compare it to what people from other cities in the country find socially acceptable and unacceptable. This will tell us how different we truly are as social beings, and will help make us understand why people here act the way they do.
A majority of East Coasters are very witty and have an out going personality. Especially NYer's. It's like they aren't afraid of anything, and are a fearless group because of the high stress and high toleration for things which make NYer's tough in the mind. So they don't care if they offend someone through a sarcastic joke, they'll move on to someone that thinks what they said was funny and not care about the joke possibly being offensive.
San Diego does have a social problem, and I can't pinpoint what it is. It is true, we are not that friendly, or as out going, unless you have lot's of money, which always helps the outgoing part.
When I moved here and since I have come here many times for daughter's school at UC I was not as surprised but it is as if people just are "ok" not getting to know others. the lifestyle here is very very easy. multiple locations for the same things so people here are saturated with choices and options. Perhaps that makes the connections between people (where to get something) or just the lack of open space reduces opps for people to connect. In Alaska people complete strangers begin conversations with a person, in line, on the street and it's not unusual to see people visiting for long periods inside a store. part of this behavior is the weather and when it's cold a store is a real refuge. Here is SD the access to services at will mobility decreases the need (or desire?) for interaction I think. Ones needs are easily met. It is a highly "functional" area...maybe a little lonely with most basic options more than fulfilled.
It is simply harder to make friends as we get older and with our busy lives harder to keep them- it does take work from both sides. All the generalizations whipping back and forth won't get you anywhere though- yes there are some shallow, materialistic folks here, yeah some folks have no sense of humor or irony or even personality- move forward, that's not everyone and as others have noted, just to have one or two really great friends is to be blessed, having some buddies to pal around with is the best place to start.
You have to put yourself out there, with activities that make you friendly and fun to be around but at the same time vulnerable a little to bit to let others ease through their own insecurities up while they are around you.
When I first moved here in my 20s from N.CA I found nearly everyone to be stuck up, cliquish and materialistic and just plain hard to get to know- some of it was my own insecurities to be sure. But through work, sporty interests, my partner and now my funky friendly neighborhood (South Park) I have more friends than I know what to do with. But I put out for my friends like they put out for me- I'm always having folks over for drop-by dinners/drinks just because I appreciate their company and offer to help folks whenever I can, as they do for me.
Just stick to it and be a friendly and accepting person- others will gravitate to that. Also, a great sense of humor will get you far
I do find it weird and strange when someone does come up to me and strike a conversation on the street, and I blame that on being from San Diego.
haha, you got to be kidding? You're blaming your own social awkwardness on San Diego? From this post, and many of your past posts, it sounds more like personal problem than anything else.
And what's even more odd and contradictory is you talk about how people try to strike up a conversation with you then right after say this:
Quote:
People here do tend to keep to themselves
Uhhh, if people were keeping to themselves they wouldn't be trying to have a conversation with you. I ALWAYS saw people chit chatting in line at stores, more so than I see up here in the Bay Area. And it's so easy in SD, all you have to do is ask where somebody is from and if they are actually from SD then that is something worth noting since many aren't.
Quote:
I would love if somebody would do a study for how many people have depression in SD.
List Of Depressed Cities - Health News Story - WKMG Orlando (http://www.clickorlando.com/health/4268215/detail.html - broken link)
like with many things, SD is ranked pretty much right in the middle and is average. Not one of the best but not one of the worst either.
. In Alaska people complete strangers begin conversations with a person, in line, on the street and it's not unusual to see people visiting for long periods inside a store.
Do you really think Alaska is a good comparison to San Diego? There aren't any major cities anywhere near SD's size there, it's a pretty sparsely populated place and I'd imagine most places have a more small town atmosphere since in comparison they are small towns.
The more I reads thread like this the more I can't help think of this quote:
"Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people."
90% of people are people wherever you go imo, yes there may be cultural differences but it's pretty close minded to think somehow the majority of people in SD are not seeking out the same human relationships everyone elsewhere is.
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