Desperate to move BUT my hubby wants to stay.. (San Diego: transplants, job market)

[8arup]

We are both from the same mid-west city and moved out east about 7 yrs ago for his job. I have ignored my feelings the past 6 yrs about where we live and I don't think I can do it anymore. From the beginning, I haven't been happy here but I wanted to be a supportive wife and so I kept trying to like it here but nothing has changed. It has come to the point where it is our nightly conversation.

My hubby is happy with his job and doesn't want to move and I can't get out of here fast enough. Being from the mid-west, I am use to friendly people and I am really struggling here. I have lived in Hawaii, SC, OH, and IL and have never had a problem making friends or encountering friendly people. Where we are now is great for jobs and/or education but it is lacking community, common courtesy/friendly people, and quality of life. It's super expensive, the traffic is unbelievably bad, and the weather stinks most of the year.

In a perfect world, we would live in Hawaii but I am not sure it's an option right now. So, I will settle for a place where people are friendly (eye contact, common courtesy, NOT superficial), warm weather (more than 3 months of the year) and "preferably" no more than an hour drive from the ocean.

Here is the challenge....my husband and I are very different and care about completely different things. I am laid back, free spirit, outdoor type person and my husband likes success and the comforts that come with it and he has what he wants where we are now...when we move he will have to start all over and the money will most likely not be as good. The other challenge is that his job requires a decent size city and large cities usually have the opposite lifestyle that I am looking for. Oi Vey!!

I am in charge of doing all the research and need to narrow the list down to a few places to visit but I am not familiar with the majority of the West and I think that's where we're headed. I have read many great things about Austin, Seattle, Oregon, Denver, Memphis, and Minneapolis but none of those places have both an ocean and nice weather most of the year.

We've been to San Diego, L.A., PB, and La Jolla but only for a brief time (1 day) as a tourist. We liked San Diego but didn't really get a feel for the people in such a brief visit. A sense of community would be nice because hope to have a family someday. I am willing to compromise proximity to the ocean for nice people.

We want to fly to a few places this summer and fall to check them out. Any advice, recommendations, thoughts?

[shmoov_groovzsd]

Yikes, where are you? Sounds like you are in New Jersey...

It really comes down to what you like here in SD. I would boil it down to 4 region types

- suburbs (lots and lots of this up and down the county, gated, HOA, new)
- coastal (only so much of this)
- urban (small but enough to not feel like you are in a massive bubble)
- rural (deep inland valleys, quiet large lots)

There are lots of nice people in SD. Be aware that SD is big on transplants so meeting people from other places is the norm.

The other thing is that when moving to a place like SD, it really comes down to a balance of lifestyle choice and how close you want to be to your job. The good part is that getting around SD is fairly easy. Traffic is traffic here but nothing like DC, NYC or Boston where its a parking lot. You will get congestion here in the mornings and evenings but it moves.

So the bigger question is, where would he be working and do you want to live in any of the above types of regions?

[oddstray]

You probably want to look at other threads in this forum about people making friends in San Diego. Some find it easy, and some don't. People here are definitely not like people from the midwest.

Seattle and some cities in Oregon have beaches. As for nice weather, at least they don't have the extreme mid-west winters!

[mlarsen23]

Frankly, to me it sounds like you've got bigger issues than where to live. Your husband doesn't want to move and you can't wait to leave - that sounds like a big problem by itself. Then when you say that you and he "are very different and care about completely different things" - that sounds like a serious personal problem that moving is not necessarily going to solve.

For as many people who love San Diego, you will find just as many who moved here and feel there is no sense of community, that the people are totally superficial, etc. etc. I bet you would see the same thing written about any place. It's hard to know who you will meet in any community, and whether or not you can find a place there. A lot of it has to do with who you are as a person too. Finally, as one gets older it gets harder and harder to find close friends in any place, much less a new place. That's just how it is.

You should put a lot of thought into where your husband (or you?) can find a good job. The economy is not great, and it's worse in California than most places. San Diego does not have diverse industry.

That said, if your priority is nice weather and being close to an ocean, San Diego is hard to beat.

[earlyretirement]

Originally Posted by mlarsen23

Frankly, to me it sounds like you've got bigger issues than where to live. Your husband doesn't want to move and you can't wait to leave - that sounds like a big problem by itself. Then when you say that you and he "are very different and care about completely different things" - that sounds like a serious personal problem that moving is not necessarily going to solve. .

I totally agree with mlarsen on this. Definitely I think it's important to live in a city you enjoy living in. However, I think it's more important to be happily employed and like your job, especially if you have kids in the picture (which it sounds like you will in the future). Because it's more important to be able to support your family and kids. So from your husband's standpoint, he could be thinking along those lines.

You might see the importance of that if you moved to a city and your husband can't easily find a job. So try to think of this in terms of what your husband might be thinking and his responsibilities to his family.

That being said, is your husband at least open to the idea of moving? What field is he in? Can he easily get another job in his field? If he has a good job that pays a good salary, it might be a good idea to wait a bit and let the economy improve a bit. Even if you have kids, you have a bit of time to move before they start school and you uproot their lives with a move.

Good luck.

[Beware_of_Dog]

Strike Austin from your list. I just moved from there after 3 miserable depressing years. Of course I had lived in S.D. and Arizona before ever going to Texas, so had a couple nice places to compare it to. Most of the people on here that have moved to Texas can't wait to get back to S.D.

[Clevelandgal]

Since the job market is not great here, it could take a while for BOTH of you to get a job. My husband and I have moved around a bit (led by his job) but I found work-typically better jobs than I left- immediately. Not so here. While I assumed I would find something quickly, we budgeted for just one income....thank goodness, as my field has very few job openings. Also moving to SD from places with higher wages and lower cost of living means you really have to want to be here. You husband may resent the move if his lifestyle takes a nosedive. I don't know your line of work but if you could both get job offers before coming you could figure out if it will work for you.

[ffdan.k]

Simple,
Leave hubby @ current resident,And move to San Diego..

[Kasey77]

If you want a sense of community and connectedness, San Diego is definitely NOT for you.

[bloom]

deny him sex