making friends in San Diego, everyone can't be a flake?! (Santa Barbara: appointed, job market)

[ManOfSteel]

Originally Posted by Drowningintherain2

Ouch! You signed up to city-data just so you could post that nasty message? Calm down.

Yeah, OK, Im calm. In fairness, I have been reading city-data forums off and on now for about 6 months, prepping to return to SD. I lived in Rancho Bernardo for seven years, and I think San Diego is the most beautiful and desirable places to live that I have seen. I've lived on the East Coast, the South, Europe, and I can say from experience that flaky people and good people are everywhere. Maybe in SD people flake more because theres just so much more going on...I think that people from smaller towns don't flake as much because everyone knows everyone and the sidewalks roll up early. Anyway, Im just fed up with crap attitudes... people should try to be better instead of always thinking , whenever theres a problem, it must be someone elses fault, or in this case, that somehow people from SD are flaky. I mean, she says that all her friends and one other person says all of SD is flaky, so it must be true???? Theres over a million people in SD!!! If you can't meet people in a large metro city then the problem lies within.

[lanina]

Originally Posted by kcda

I have a pretty good circle of friends in San Diego, most, if not all of whom are transplants. I didn't grow up here but have lived here since the early 90's. Recently I experienced what you described with a San Diego native. We made plans, emailed back and forth and then when I tried to confirm right before....nothing. You may be on to something. Lol

I know what you mean about traveling all over. I think being in other countries such as Australia, Japan, etc...the natives are often very friendly because they find us different and interesting. Being Canadian, you are practically an American so it doesn't help much here.

Someone posted good advice about meetup groups. I recently joined one and have been invited to all kinds of events but have been too busy to make any. Maybe I am becoming a San Diego flake, lol.

LOL nice...I just joined one of the groups that were suggested as well and have already been invited to some events too. i too hope i can find the time since i am just getting off of a 6 week holiday and start work on monday...that will be tough.
thanks for your notes, much appreciated

[lanina]

I hear you...I will definitely do that...make them commit and if they flake, they are done like dinner!

[lanina]

Originally Posted by Donna7

Maybe you should get insight from people that don't live in San Diego if you want an even exchange, or an unbiased exchange. Simply put, you're hanging around all the places that 20 year-olds hang around (beaches, bars, etc.). Interestingly enough, you said that you're 37, but look like you're 27; why would the guys think otherwise? Why wouldn't they think that you are looking for the same thing as them? Get involved in things that are going to attract a different kind of man (other than the kind that's looking for a quick lay and a party), and you'll most likely find him or at least some suitable candidates. This holds true for all 50 states. California does not hold the inventory of flakey people by the way; they are everywhere. At this point in time, you are hanging around Flake Central (beaches, bars).

I understand what you are saying. problem is that back home i have friends ranging from 20-40..'friends' and men....not sure why it would be any different anywhere else unless it's with a specific person with a specific personality trait (playa) lol
the second problem is that I hang around the beach and bars not specifically to meet people but because that is what I love! I enjoy drinking, and playing beach volleyball, learning how to surf, and why move to SD if not for the beach.
I'm a smart girl and just because someone has the intention of 'hooking up' doesn't mean I do.
I just think that good people generally gravitate to each other, and if i hang out doing what i enjoy doing then, i would meet people with the same likes...
but i also understand what you are saying, it makes total sense as well.
thank you.

[lanina]

Originally Posted by Donna7

Some of my closest IRL friends live in San Diego. Of course, we're all women, in our 40's and 50's. I live in NE OH. We all have families, we have friendships based on that. We work together in business as well and communicate frequently. I've flown to San Diego and we've rented limos, gone to dinner, etc. They call and e-mail me regularly and I do the same.

I can't speak about the East Coast because I don't live there/have never lived there. You said that you are from the East Coast in your earlier post above and that we attract our friends...I agree wholeheartedly with that. I agree that we attract the kind of people we hang around with. Sometimes, it's not the other people, it's us (referring to the original post). This is not to say that certain areas of the country don't attract a transient type crowd.

On the other hand, there are also certain areas of the country where people will NEVER get close to you because you're not from the area, never grew up in the area, and so on.

This is a mentality I am not familiar with. I have travelled the world and I find other cultures, and people fasinating. the US is the ONLY country that i have visited that has corrected me in the way i say something and then when i say, "well that is the way i say it" and they reply "well you live here now, so you should say it like we do"
WHO DOES THAT?! LOL, I couldn't imagine telling my mates in Oz, this is how i say it, you should say it like that...they'd laugh at me and call me a crodgy bird. I have always embraced our differences, as well as embraced anyone new into my life. You can never have too many friends is a great motto. I suppose I have come across an annomoly here in the USA, and I should just embrace that as well. although it is something i find hard to wrap my brain around. why wouldn't someone want to meet new people? oh well, their loss i guess.
but thanks for your input.

[lanina]

Originally Posted by sav858

I really don't know why people in CA are more flakey than other places, it doesn't mean we're bad people or don't value friendships at all. We have good friends and close friendships here just like everywhere else, just with a little flakiness added. Even close friends flake out on each other and I guess it just doesn't bother many of us or we don't take it personally, probably b/c the rest of us flake at sometime or another; I try not to now that I am more aware of it but still do occasionally. And if it's something important or that I'm serious about I'll just straight up tell the person don't flake out on me beforehand or ask them "you're not gonna flake on me right?" Or if they do flake out on something I'll call them out on it afterwards in a jokingly way. I've found saying stuff like that gets people to flake out less.

I recently planned a huge trip to Mardi Gras in New Orleans for my birthday back in Feb and brought 9 of my friends from San Diego and the Bay Area and made sure to plan it with the "flake factor" in mind. Made sure those who were down to go actually we're gonna go for sure at least 2 months ahead and got on their case and made sure they wouldn't flake at the last minute, mainly b/c I has to prepay for the hotels and didn't want to be stuck with empty rooms and higher costs for everyone. So that weeded out the flakes and I had a solid group that was for sure going about 2 months before we went and nobody flaked out at the last minute.

Also I've found plenty of east coast transplants to be flakes as well so I wouldn't say they aren't flakes either at all. SD is a city full of transplants and people aren't rooted with friends and family here as much as more established places so that could be a factor. Funny story, when my friend who I grew up with in the Bay Area and went to college down here, she moved to Chicago last summer and when I first asked her about the people there one of the first things she said is how when they say they'll call you and want to hang out they actually mean it by calling or showing up. She was one of my flakier friends so it was just funny to me that's one of the first things she noticed.

'flaking' for a good reason is one thing. however, generally there is a phone call involved followed by an appology.

by just not showing, shows arrogance, it comes across like the person who is flaking is more important, like the person who made the plans time isn't important. it shows no respect for the other persons time, and a huge ignorance on the 'flakers' part.

I firmly believe in treat others as you wish to be treated. if you don't mind planning a huge trip for your bday and having no one follow through, then fine, flake away, but if you don't want it done to you, then don't do it to others.

I have 'flaked' too throughout my life, but it was always made up with notice that i can't make it and drinks on me at a later date. it's the way it should be. in my eyes anyways...because sometimes things are out of our control, that's understandable.

my time is just as important as anyone elses, it can really be summarized with a couple words....RESPECT OTHERS....

[Radical347]

Originally Posted by sav858

Even close friends flake out on each other and I guess it just doesn't bother many of us or we don't take it personally, probably b/c the rest of us flake at sometime or another; I try not to now that I am more aware of it but still do occasionally. And if it's something important or that I'm serious about I'll just straight up tell the person don't flake out on me beforehand or ask them "you're not gonna flake on me right?" Or if they do flake out on something I'll call them out on it afterwards in a jokingly way. I've found saying stuff like that gets people to flake out less.

Also I've found plenty of east coast transplants to be flakes as well so I wouldn't say they aren't flakes either at all. SD is a city full of transplants and people aren't rooted with friends and family here as much as more established places so that could be a factor. Funny story, when my friend who I grew up with in the Bay Area and went to college down here, she moved to Chicago last summer and when I first asked her about the people there one of the first things she said is how when they say they'll call you and want to hang out they actually mean it by calling or showing up. She was one of my flakier friends so it was just funny to me that's one of the first things she noticed.

I. It's not really the people who flake out "at sometime or another," it's the people who flake out every single time, or at least a majority of the time, that bother me (and most others I'd assume.) If we have plans & they call ahead of time saying they've changed, fair enough. If they have to wait until the day & time of for me to call them, then no dice, still a flake.

II. Oh, totally agreed there. Locals or transplants...doesn't matter. I don't think the % of non-flaky transplants to SD is *that* much higher than the % of non-flaky locals. Being a flake seems to be a prerequisite for moving to SD. (I will say though, the one friend that did show up to my sushi party that I posted about earlier was from Chicago )

One other thing I've noticed: many people in SD who are all like "ohh I hate it when people flake" and then totally flake out themselves! AAARGH!

[Donna7]

Originally Posted by lanina

I understand what you are saying. problem is that back home i have friends ranging from 20-40..'friends' and men....not sure why it would be any different anywhere else unless it's with a specific person with a specific personality trait (playa) lol
the second problem is that I hang around the beach and bars not specifically to meet people but because that is what I love! I enjoy drinking, and playing beach volleyball, learning how to surf, and why move to SD if not for the beach.
I'm a smart girl and just because someone has the intention of 'hooking up' doesn't mean I do.
I just think that good people generally gravitate to each other, and if i hang out doing what i enjoy doing then, i would meet people with the same likes...
but i also understand what you are saying, it makes total sense as well.
thank you.

I hear you and certainly sympathize with you; you sound like a great lady. Wishing you the best with some of the groups you've signed up with. Hoping that you meet some very like-minded and like-hearted people who are genuine and want real friendships.

As far as my other post, yes, I am referring to the U.S., especially very small communities which are pretty homogenous, where people have known each other for generations, where deep roots exist.

I wish you all the best. Hang in there!

[Radical347]

Originally Posted by Drowningintherain2

Ouch! You signed up to city-data just so you could post that nasty message? Calm down.

Yeah I know, but apparently it worked. Look at how many reps he got.

[JohnAlt]

Originally Posted by lanina

I don't mean to be rude, but I don't generally hang with people much older than me, I date 23-30...it's not my decision, it's the age range that asks me out.
Someone in their late 40's - 50's is not into partying all night, hiking early the next morning, hanging with surfers in the OC, etc. (I do have a few friends spread out here). We would not be a good match...again, my age is irrelevant to the situation, due to the circumstances, if you knew me you would understand, but I just wouldn't be comfortable with people much older than myself.

Seems like you just want to hang out with the "cool kids" even though you're not a kid. Nothing wrong with wanting to act younger than your age, but even if you look young you still may not relate to the 20 somethings as much as you think you do. And if you are good looking and look 27 plenty of men over 30 will be interested, so I doubt only 23-30 year olds ask you out unless you avoid venues that have older men or you come across as immature. Even in the latter case plenty would ask you out just in hopes of getting lucky.

BTW, there are plenty of 40's-50's that can out party even you, go on hikes (without a walker), and believe it or not a few even surf.