making friends in San Diego, everyone can't be a flake?!

[revelated]

Originally Posted by lanina

All I have to say to you is that it's a sad sad world if you can't be friends with the opposite sex simply because you "can't get your turn"

I do have friends in the US, male friends, who have never 'had thier turn' with me.

The fact that they took time to get to know me, and that I am a great wingman, friend, and cool chick all around, they would never imagine NOT being my friend simply cuz I wouldn't put out.

I guarantee you.

In the back of each of their heads...it's there. They want to lay you down somewhere. It may be a sad state of affairs, but it's the way it is, unless they're homosexual or you're so blatantly unattractive as to not even make it worth it.

There are 40-something year olds right now who have male friends, been friends for years, yet they know those males want to marry them. It's just the way of things. Nothing wrong with that if you accept it and learn to discourage it properly.

[lanina]

Originally Posted by revelated

I guarantee you.

In the back of each of their heads...it's there. They want to lay you down somewhere. It may be a sad state of affairs, but it's the way it is, unless they're homosexual or you're so blatantly unattractive as to not even make it worth it.

There are 40-something year olds right now who have male friends, been friends for years, yet they know those males want to marry them. It's just the way of things. Nothing wrong with that if you accept it and learn to discourage it properly.

there are 40 yr olds who's male friends want to marry them???? whaaaaa?

whatever, yes i have gay friends, but i also have straight male friends, and no they don't want to bed me and no I am not unattractive, quite the opposite times over actually. But being with someone actually takes more than just looks and I guess the people i have with have more substance about them than the ones you hang with. Because they respect me and bedding me as you put it, is not even an option to them. We're friends, period.
I guess you'd just have to experience that 'true' type of friendship yourself, i can't explain it to you if you haven't had it. it's about the person, how they fufil your life and not what short term pleasure you can get from them.
keep in mind, I'm talking about friends, not aquaintences. My true male friends are just that, true friends, no if's and's or but's.

[Moondogger]

Hmm...it's quite interesting to here this from a woman's point of view.

The flakiness factor and inability to make real friends and establish real relationships in SD is something that has been brought up on this board time and time again, usually from men, so it's refreshing to hear the same frustration from a woman this time.

Here's just one of many that I've seen...
http://www.city-data.com/forum/san-diego/183584-making-new-friends-meeting-people-san.html


And lately it's just been like deja vu over and over again whenever I see a new post on the board. And just like you and others have already mentioned you also get the same story from real life people we meet out in the real world and not just behind a computer. They all say the same thing, transplants and locals alike, the general consensus from all of them is SD people can tend to be a tad bit flakey; it's pretty much a fact.

I think it's more of a cultural thing than a personal thing. I mean what can you say it's Cali, it's SoCal, it's Hollywood, it's Californication, etc...etc which may translate to an I'm "too cool for school attitude" and my time is more important than yours and I don't need to take the extra step to make friends but you do because you're newer than me and I'll still flake on you if I feel like it. I know it's quite funny but also somewhat sadly true. Hey, I guess it's just one of those things that come with the territory of living here and now at least you're aware of it. Not everyone can see this or is willing to admit it but at least you do.

Some successful transplants have told me that it takes time. Apparently the general consensus is 3 years. But what really confuses me is when I hear these same frustrations from native San Diegans who have lived here there whole lives. So again maybe it's not just a time issue but a cultural issue as well. I dunno, I guess only time will tell.

As far as the meetup group advice, boy has that site been getting free publicity or what!?, I mean don't get me wrong, I'm all for positive advice but I wonder how many people in other cities like Boston or San Fran need to use the internet and meetup groups to make friends. I think if you have to do that in San Diego then that might be proof that there's a problem.

It's expected that some people, specifically in a forum setting like this, will get overly defensive and protective about things, especially if they really like their city and its citizens and they take it personal because they feel like they're being criticized. Anyway, it's funny how they will get offended by labeling SD as flakey and yet at the same time advise you that you need to avoid the 20-30 age range all together because they're all flakey. Can someone say "Irony"?

In conclusion not all SD people are flakes obviously; I see many friendships and group activities here all the time. In fact if anything it's somewhat cliquish. I guess it's just gonna take you some time to find your comfort group but at least you're aware of the task that's ahead of you which I'm guessing is something you weren't privy to coming in, the taking classes or doing things that interest you advice sounds like a good one. Or you could just email the guy who started the earlier thread. Seems like you guys have something in common and he's also in your age group.

Or, you could email the person who wrote this post, *Hint* He's in your age group too Oh and don't worry I wont insist on having my turn with you, unless you really want me too No but seriously I could use a good wing woman I know...I know "Irony"

[revelated]

Originally Posted by lanina

i also have straight male friends, and no they don't want to bed me and no I am not unattractive, quite the opposite times over actually.

Because they respect me and bedding me as you put it, is not even an option to them. We're friends, period.

You assume. You're not a mind reader. They can tell you whatever. It's not true. There's no such thing as a straight male being friends with an attractive woman and nowhere in the back of their mind do they not think about taking you to bed. Like a famous singer said, it's human nature. Again, it's all about accepting that fact and learning how to properly discourage it.

Only a man knows how men think. Women assume they know, and 8 times of 10 they assume wrong.

[Lovehound]

Originally Posted by Drowningintherain2

Ouch! You signed up to city-data just so you could post that nasty message? Calm down.

We should maybe require 25 posts or so before allowing new members to post. I expect that might cut down on the troll factor, a bit.

[John_Galt]

Maybe it's a self-confidence issue? You won't put your best foot forward to others if you don't think you deserve to be liked be them. You really should gain some confidence and feel comfortable praising yourself... others will be sure to notice this and follow your example. I think that's all that you're lacking.

Good luck!
-JG

[Lovehound]

Originally Posted by lanina

It's ok, I know some american's don't like being told how it is in other places.

First of all, that's people who don't like being told it's better in other places. It implies that things are worse here, and it's the fault of "you people." I'm sure Canadians would react negatively upon being told "how it is" is better in America.

Second, please capitalize proper nouns like 'America.' Or did you say you are from canada?

And finally, the apostrophe indicates either possessive form or letters omitted (and sometimes quotations). It is quite acceptable to use the word 'Americans' to refer to the plural of 'American.'

Perhaps your Canadian language is different?