How to convince my ex-husband to move to San Diego? (Orland: fit in, credit)
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Hanna_house~ How would you feel if you told your parents at 15 that you were gay, only to be met with "you will not be gay, or you will never be a part of this family again." ?They were actually going to send me away and completely disown me. It was an ultimatum for them, either I married a man and had kids, like everyone else, or I was no longer their child. What if you did that and realized that you couldn't live that way no matter what? What if you dreaded sleeping in bed with your husband because you knew sex would be involved and you didn't enjoy it or want any part of it, but had to oblige?
I'd say that's unfair for everyone involved.
The problem with the internet is that people are going to comment on your post and that they're only going to go by the info you give them.
Your post was matter of fact. So you're getting matter of fact answers/comments/responses.
Look, I'm sorry god threw you a pair of snake eyes, but at the end of the day you can only control your life.
Do you really understand what you're telling your husband to do? If you were in his shoes how would you feel?
Like someone else said, tell him that you think it would be a good idea if he came (especially for the sake of the children), but don't expect people to bend over backwards to give ways to entice him to leave.
The only thing I would suggest is family therapy (and I'm serious.) There are some serious issues here.
If the divorce hasn't been finalized then family therapy might be a good option just so the adults can learn ways to constructively deal with the new reality of the situation so they can put their personal feelings aside and be the best parents they can given the reality of the coming broken family. If, however, the divorce has been finalized then I'd say the window of opportunity has closed on that option and now they're just going to have to soldier on as best as they can manage. It sucks but that's reality as I see it.
BTW, and this is just FYI, I have a gay co-worker who was in a similar situation as you now find yourself in. He grew up in Alabama at a time when being gay just wasn't acceptable in the deep south so he tried to deny who he really was, got married, had kids, but soon found he just couldn't keep up the lie any more. He was just that unhappy and he says his unhappiness was making home life hell for everyone in the family so he felt the best thing he could do for his children was to end the farce and hope his children would be better adjusted by not growing up in a household with constant fighting. He then moved to San Diego because California has a much more accepting culture towards gays and I honestly think he did the right thing (he still supported his children and routinely flew back to see them) but its hard for kids to understand why a parent left even if it was for a good reason. He said he had years of trouble with his kids because his eldest daughter convinced the younger boy that daddy abandoned them because he loved being gay more then he loved them. That's BS, of course, but children often react irrationally to perceived abandonment so there are likely to be some issues you might not have foreseen in the years ahead.
Does that mean you should pretend to be something you're not? No, but it does mean you might have a tougher furrow to plow then you thought so be prepared if you can. Hopefully this helps.
If I was him, there's no way in hell I'd move anywhere to be CLOSER to you. I'd want you as far away from me as possible. He probably thinks you moving to CA was a great idea.
That wasn't helpful, Axxlrod. Though I do imagine he's pissed off. Divorce, no matter what the reason, often makes people angry and pissed off which is why I kind of liked harhar's idea of family counciling. It can help divorcing parents learn to get over their personal feelings and learn to work constructively together for the good of their children. Truth be told asking your ex-husband to uproot his life and move across the country to be closer to you (which, after all, is what you want even if there are extenuating circumstances like the cost of special needs education for your eldest) is probably to much to ask for though. Especially since the divorce just happened recently and feelings are still fresh.
OP, I would suggest your ex and the kiddos fly to SD for a vacation. SD has soooo much for kiddos from Legoland to Sea World, to Disneyland etc etc. The weather is awesome 12 months a year. I used to live in Cleveland ... that gets cold and snowy and for a good part of the year ... Nov-Mar easily. The kiddos could be OUTSIDE playing and swimming, riding their bikes, all of the time. SD has fab schools. Your ex will LOVE surfing. I just love all of SoCal. My family is pretty new to SD, we are orginially from Boston, we are NOT going back.
So, have them fly out and let them experience SD on their own.
That wasn't helpful, Axxlrod. Though I do imagine he's pissed off. Divorce, no matter what the reason, often makes people angry and pissed off which is why I kind of liked harhar's idea of family counciling. It can help divorcing parents learn to get over their personal feelings and learn to work constructively together for the good of their children. Truth be told asking your ex-husband to uproot his life and move across the country to be closer to you (which, after all, is what you want even if there are extenuating circumstances like the cost of special needs education for your eldest) is probably to much to ask for though. Especially since the divorce just happened recently and feelings are still fresh.
Taking into account he has family in metro Cleveland, and is working in his father's business also needs to be factored. Likely, like many people (including me) he genuinely likes Cleveland.
He should just let Glitter deal with her self created inconvenience, and get on with his life. Hopefully, he meets a nice lady who also enjoys beautiful metro Cleveland.
San Diego is a great place for sure, but how can you ask him to move far from everything he has, and all his family and friends? Even if no money is the issue here ( I have no clue but San Dieto is sooo expensive comapred to Ohio) he would be alone here with no family support. No friends.
Okay, this is a bit of a long story, but I will give an abridged version. I got divorced in December, basically because I realized that I am gay. We have two children and in the divorce I let him be deemed residential parent. I moved out to California in mid-November and I have been traveling back and forth from SD to Cleveland to see my children every month. This is extremely stressful and hard on the kids and I. I am living with my girlfriend right now and I would love it if my ex would move out to SD with the kids so we can all be together. I love my children, but I loathe Cleveland. My girlfriend is from there too and absolutely does not want to live their either. But, I need to be a mother to my kids. I'm trying to think of any way I could convince him to move to SD. He would love it there. He's a surfer type, avid hiker/nature lover. Can anyone think of an angle to approach him with that may persuade him to at least entertain the idea? Anytime I mention it, he shoots it down immediately. He is still really angry over the divorce.
Thanks in advance.
So if the ex husband doesn't agree to move to SD, you'll end your current relationship, as she doesn't want to move back to Ohio. Then you'll be on the forum asking how to convince your girlfriend to move back to Ohio, so you can have your cake and eat....oh never mind.
Until you start to look for your children's best interest, your life will be in chaos.
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