My Brother, the Embezzler (appointed, lawyer, neighborhood)

[robinfilms]

I need advice.

My brother, who until recently had been living with our 86-year old mother, essentially drained her bank account. When it was clear the well was running dry, he suddenly found a job in a foreign country.

Rather than go into the sordid details of how we found out, let me just say the evidence is conclusive. He has admitted his "mistake". He needs to reenter the country next week for a week and intended to stay at my mother's house.

I am intensely disappointed and feel betrayed, but my real concern is for my mother. In addition to being elderly, she is in poor health and this situation is causing her great angst. She wants to see him as she has "things to say" to him. Given the fact that she is a forgiving person and like most mothers, she doesn't want to abandon her child, and she will probably believe (because she WANTS to) whatever line of BS he doles out. I feel one of the siblings should be on hand as her advocate for a "supervised visit" with him when he returns...and he'll need to find another place to stay.

My other siblings want want nothing to do with him ever again. I'm a bit less willing to completely abandon him. Everyone is entitled to attempt to redeem themselves, even elder-abusing, embezzling, fraudulent pond scum like my brother. He is exceptionally smart, fun to be around, talented -- hmmm, sounds like a typical con man, doesn't he?

If anyone has had this sort of pathetic experience, I would greatly appreciate your input.

Thank you.

[CAVA1990]

What do your siblings think you all should do? Are they in the area? Even though they don't want to have anything to do with him they should probably be there for your mom.

[mayorhaggar]

"fun to be around"

What's fun about losing all your money? Anyway there are other forums here that might be a better place to ask, this one is mainly for people asking for housing/neighborhood advice related to the Bay Area. I have no idea what to do other than to make sure your mom is taken care of somehow.

[Tallysmom]

I haven't had any direct experience with this, but I did see it a few times at the bank where I worked. While he is here, you need to find a way to lock him out of what's left of her money. Because sure as anything he'll find a way to get to it. These types of people are pathological in their need to get one over on people and take them for whatever.

And I think you are right about not locking him out of your life -- because while he's here, someone needs to keep a sharp eye on the b*stard.

I'd call KGO's Len Tillem -- he's a lawyer that deals in elder law and he often gives help to people over the air...

[DMenscha]

You should contact adult protective services for advice. elder abuse is no laughing matter.

[Snort]

My sister and I are in the same situation and have seen it all. When I get home. I'll have a couple of glasses of wine and try to be helpful.

[ttocs99]

Have the cops meet him at the door. He needs to be in a cell next to Bernie Madoff.

[Snort]

Originally Posted by robinfilms

I need advice.

My brother, who until recently had been living with our 86-year old mother, essentially drained her bank account. When it was clear the well was running dry, he suddenly found a job in a foreign country.

Rather than go into the sordid details of how we found out, let me just say the evidence is conclusive. He has admitted his "mistake". He needs to reenter the country next week for a week and intended to stay at my mother's house.

I am intensely disappointed and feel betrayed, but my real concern is for my mother. In addition to being elderly, she is in poor health and this situation is causing her great angst. She wants to see him as she has "things to say" to him. Given the fact that she is a forgiving person and like most mothers, she doesn't want to abandon her child, and she will probably believe (because she WANTS to) whatever line of BS he doles out. I feel one of the siblings should be on hand as her advocate for a "supervised visit" with him when he returns...and he'll need to find another place to stay.

My other siblings want want nothing to do with him ever again. I'm a bit less willing to completely abandon him. Everyone is entitled to attempt to redeem themselves, even elder-abusing, embezzling, fraudulent pond scum like my brother. He is exceptionally smart, fun to be around, talented -- hmmm, sounds like a typical con man, doesn't he?

If anyone has had this sort of pathetic experience, I would greatly appreciate your input.

Thank you.

When someone stoops this low, they usually don't make a quick turnaround and suddenly see the light. I'd assume he's a narcissist and/or sociopath (there is some overlap with both these disorders).

If on the outside chance he wants to redeem himself, the method is simple. Go with him to your bank, ask for the Notary Public and have him sign the laundry list of things he "stole" from your mother. Make the language that clear and explicit; easy enough so a 2nd grader would understand. You'll need this later when he fails to pay anything back.

The kicker is, of course, that no court and no authority is likely to pursue him on the matter. Financial abuse of an elder when done by a family member is something district attorneys don't seem to like to get involved with (that's my experience and the experience of others I know of).

The only saving grace is that you'll have embarrassed him publicly. And that's not something a narcissist tolerates very well.

You'll want to consult with a lawyer, at any rate.

Tell him to make good and you'll accept him again. You'll probably find out that he doesn't really care about your acceptance.

Sorry for what you're going through.

P.S. You may consider getting a CPA to go over your mom's accounts with a fine-tooth comb to check everything out.

[tanglenet]

To me this is a very odd and suspect first post. It seems more appropiate for Dear Abby. I hope I'm wrong and this is not someone working on a film script.

[Snort]

Originally Posted by tanglenet

To me this is a very odd and suspect first post. It seems more appropiate for Dear Abby. I hope I'm wrong and this is not someone working on a film script.

Actually, I agree that it's an odd first post and the OP hasn't come back to comment on a very emotion-laden experience. Strange indeed!
When I first read it, I considered it might be one of my evil siblings trying to suss me out since they know I live in the Bay Area.
My family's story is much worse than the OP's and I have nothing but pity for them.