Advice Please: Single mom trying to figure out how to make it work (Santa Clara: apartment, rentals)

[soyu]

Firstly, please excuse me if I may sound unclear or scattered as English is my fourth language and thank you in advance for reading my post. I look forward to reading your replies.

I am a visual designer and web developer. I've been a stay-at-home mom for the last four years until September of last year. I am employed by two talent agencies as a contractor (aka they don't guarantee me any hours). I've been working 60 hours per week and make an equivalent of a 75K salary. My children go to a very loving day care part-time where the owner only charge me $10/hour for both children. My children and I currently live with their father in the peninsula. He and I split the expenses down the middle. I'm trying to move out with my children — he is aware — because he has a long history (10 years) of being abusive (mostly emotionally but he has hit me twice before and slapped our son once so hard that he bit his mouth and bled).

Like many others, I am challenged by the high rent in the Bay Area. The logical thing to do is move elsewhere. But where? Where can I move to where the schools are still good and where I can find a job? Where can I move to where quality child care will still be affordable?

I've googled and I've searched on Craigslist. Most of the studio and one-bedroom on Craigslist specify "single occupancy only." While familial discrimination is illegal, it seems hardly worth it to report them especially since Craigslist is anonymous and the process of confirming discrimination is lengthy. Is three people living in a studio realistic? Some sites suggest Oregon, Washington, New Jersey, and Texas claiming they have a good tech economy. I don't know anything about New Jersey or Texas. I was raised in Oregon and the weather gave me depression. I heard weather in Washington is similar. I also can't go back to Oregon because my family is there. I know that doesn't make sense...why wouldn't I go back to where I have a support system or safety net. The reality is I don't have a support system. My relatives are al intimidated by my parents that they're afraid to help (seen as "intervening" in my family). The biggest problem is that my dad has violent tendencies (e.g. he used to hit me with a 2x4) and he molested me when I was an adolescent. I can't have him be near or have easy access to my children.

[Ruth4Truth]

Are you married to the kids' father? If there will be a divorce involved, he'd have to pay child support, and that would help you. How old are your kids?

[soyu]

Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth

Are you married to the kids' father? If there will be a divorce involved, he'd have to pay child support, and that would help you. How old are your kids?

We are not legally married but have been together for 10 years. My children are 4 and 2.

Their father has almost no income right now short from financial aid during the school year. He was making some money from his Amazon referral program but Amazon suspended his account due to some kind of violation earlier this month. So I'm worried about making ends meet during summer since he doesn't receive financial aid during summer.

We agreed (verbally) that I will not go after him for child support.

[2sleepy]

If your husband is abusive then you should seek out a domestic violence shelter for you and your children. Some are good and will assist you in finding housing and getting back on your feet. Call 2-1-1 By the way, if you ever seek any kind of public assistance the County will go after your children's father for support, and in your situation it might be worthwhile to rethink agreement you made with him about no support

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by 2sleepy

If your husband is abusive then you should seek out a domestic violence shelter for you and your children. Some are good and will assist you in finding housing and getting back on your feet. Call 2-1-1 By the way, if you ever seek any kind of public assistance the County will go after your children's father for support, and in your situation it might be worthwhile to rethink agreement you made with him about no support

This is a good idea. They may have connections to low-income housing. There may be underground resources you don't know about.

[soyu]

Originally Posted by 2sleepy

If your husband is abusive then you should seek out a domestic violence shelter for you and your children. Some are good and will assist you in finding housing and getting back on your feet. Call 2-1-1 By the way, if you ever seek any kind of public assistance the County will go after your children's father for support, and in your situation it might be worthwhile to rethink agreement you made with him about no support

He has not been abusive since I laid out everything to him and what would happen if he becomes abusive. But it's still very hard to live with him due to his overly often petty yelling; he gets upset easily and yelling is his way of "blowing off steam" -- nonetheless it's very disturbing.

I actually ran away to CORA with my children when I realized we have been abused but CORA was not helpful. They provided me with emergency housing free of charge and provided food (e.g. canned and processed food), but they were not much help aside from that. They "encouraged" me to find a job, which I wasn't able to do because child care was unavailable. The living situation "wasn't great." The house was located right next to the CalTrain so my children couldn't sleep at night. There were also drug users and heavy drinkers. Shortly after I left, one of the residents whom I stayed in touch with told me a fight broke out and police were involved. That resident faced the same challenge as I did and eventually got "kicked out" because her stay had expired (90 days). She got child care, but her children were neglected at the day care center then got removed from her then eventually she had to quit her job. She's been in multiple shelters for the past 2 years and still not able to get back on her feet.

I don't qualify for public assistance. My income is considered too high. I believe I can make it on my own. I was penniless back in September but I'm working now and have some saving. I likely just can't make it here in the bay area peninsula due to the high cost of housing. Hence I want to hear what other options might I have.

I was a very sheltered person due to my parents and this relationship so I'm not very "well-informed"; hence I'm seeking the wisdom of others.

[Ceece]

Sounds bad. Living on financial aid means you can't afford where you are anyway. Your only option is to just start looking for a job in lower COL areas and accept things maybe won't be so good for awhile. Maybe you can find a house where someone is renting a couple rooms or something. 3 in a studio won't fly unless it's in an illegal rental, it's not discrimination it's the occupancy laws.

[soyu]

Originally Posted by Ceece

Sounds bad. Living on financial aid means you can't afford where you are anyway. Your only option is to just start looking for a job in lower COL areas and accept things maybe won't be so good for awhile. Maybe you can find a house where someone is renting a couple rooms or something. 3 in a studio won't fly unless it's in an illegal rental, it's not discrimination it's the occupancy laws.

Right. Law require 3 people at least have one bedroom.

What does COL mean?

[NoMoreSnowForMe]

COL means cost of living.

Occupancy limits usually are 2 people per bedroom, plus one who may live in the living room. So, if it's a studio, usually that means 2 people.

I was an apt mgr in Santa Clara. Usually landlords want you to make 3 times the monthly rent with your gross income. So, for you, you should look for rentals max $2100 max.

I think to transition your kids, it would be best if they could stay with the same day care. Also, it would be best for you to keep your current job while you look for an apartment locally. Then get your bearings on your own, and maybe next year look at moving to an entirely different area. That's just my thinking.

So, you need an apt on the peninsula for $2100.

Here's a Craigslist search:

SF bay area apts/housing for rent - craigslist

There are 1 bedrooms in your price range. So, you should be able to find a place. Depending on the sex of your kids, you can share the room with one of them, or put them both in the same room and you take the bedroom, etc.

I once rented to a single mother with a child, and her boyfriend moved in. The adults slept in the living room and the child had the bedroom.

Good luck to you.

[2sleepy]

Please don't answer these questions here, I'm just posing them for you to take a little time and think this through.

1) how will he maintain the place you two are renting if you move out and he isn't working?
2) why do you have this agreement that he won't pay child support? They are his kids too.
3) If he's not working why are the kids in child care, are you afraid to let him care for them? If so then I think you need to get out of this ASAP.
4) If you move out and are working 60 hours a week, how are you going to afford full time child care on top of rent?
5) Can you document this 75k a year well enough to qualify for an apartment? They will need to see some steady, regular flow of income and good credit.
6) any family or friends that you can stay with until you can think all of this through?

Best of luck to you, you sound miserable and I hope whatever you decide it works out well for you and your kids