I want to move back to the east coast but boyfriend doesn't (Bakersfield: 2013, high crime)

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by Macrina

Rachel wrote:

Concerning your relationship, I see a very large flag in that the boyfriend has given you an ultimatum. To me, it seems that he is thinking of his own welfare before yours, and making demands and this is an unattractive trait in a partner.

.

OP, I can't help wondering if the above situation is due to the fact that you only proposed a sort of all-or-nothing scenario, so he chose: nothing. Per your post, you said you suggested BOTH of you go east, then return to CA. This forced your bf to choose between leaving the apt. in CA, and whatever employment he's managed to secure, or staying, and kissing you goodbye. There was no Door Number 3 in the mind of either of you.

Door Number 3 would be: he stays and gets a roommate, if possible, while you're away for a few months. Or some variation of that. You two need to sit down together, and brainstorm other options. Maybe, as you're paying down your debt, you could send him a little rent money monthly, if it's only a 1-br. apt., with no space for a temp. roommate. You need to think about solutions, rather than panicking, and hoping for a magic bullet online.

OTOH, if your guy digs in his heels and refuses to consider options, then you know where you stand in his priorities, and how devoted he is to helping you through a financial rough patch in life. You would have feedback from him, regarding whether he's genuine LTR material or not. Issues like this require teamwork, and dedication to remaining a couple, in order to solve problems. Every-man/woman-for him/herself, and "it's either your debt, or me" is not an option in committed couples.

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by RosieSD

The boyfriend has no commitment to her. They're not married or engaged. He's free to do whatever he wants.

And so is she.

They're also free to work it out together, as a couple.

[Macrina]

Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth

OP, I can't help wondering if the above situation is due to the fact that you only proposed a sort of all-or-nothing scenario, so he chose: nothing. Per your post, you said you suggested BOTH of you go east, then return to CA. This forced your bf to choose between leaving the apt. in CA, and whatever employment he's managed to secure, or staying, and kissing you goodbye. There was no Door Number 3 in the mind of either of you.

Door Number 3 would be: he stays and gets a roommate, if possible, while you're away for a few months. Or some variation of that. You two need to sit down together, and brainstorm other options. Maybe, as you're paying down your debt, you could send him a little rent money monthly, if it's only a 1-br. apt., with no space for a temp. roommate. You need to think about solutions, rather than panicking, and hoping for a magic bullet online.

OTOH, if your guy digs in his heels and refuses to consider options, then you know where you stand in his priorities, and how devoted he is to helping you through a financial rough patch in life. You would have feedback from him, regarding whether he's genuine LTR material or not. Issues like this require teamwork, and dedication to remaining a couple, in order to solve problems. Every-man/woman-for him/herself, and "it's either your debt, or me" is not an option in committed couples.

Ruth, I just can't find this in the original post. Can you help me out? Here's the entirely of her first post, but I put it into paragraphs to make it more readable. The OP wrote:

Hello! I've never done this before but I am at a loss. My boyfriend and I moved to California about 9 months ago, and we've been struggling since day 1.

We both knew how expensive California was but I don't think we were ready. I moved here with a bunch of debt that has really only accumulated since Ive been here.

I've told my family of my financial woes and they are willing to take me in for the amount of time I need to pay my debt off. (Maybe 5 months)

I brought this up to my boyfriend and he says it's pretty much either I go home or him. I'm 25 and don't want to be in debt anymore and have an opportunity to rid myself of it in a quick fashion.. But my boyfriend wont move back home... But has been relying on me for our 50/50 split on everything and my car. Anyone wanna shed some light?

I'm mentioning it because it makes, in my mind, a great deal of difference whether the OP had first given an
ultimatum.

[LLCNYC]

Originally Posted by Rachel.levine

Hello! I've never done this before but I am at a loss. My boyfriend and I moved to California about 9 months ago, and we've been struggling since day 1. We both knew how expensive California was but I don't think we were ready. I moved here with a bunch of debt that has really only accumulated since Ive been here. I've told my family of my financial woes and they are willing to take me in for the amount of time I need to pay my debt off. (Maybe 5 months) I brought this up to my boyfriend and he says it's pretty much either I go home or him. I'm 25 and don't want to be in debt anymore and have an opportunity to rid myself of it in a quick fashion.. But my boyfriend wont move back home... But has been relying on me for our 50/50 split on everything and my car. Anyone wanna shed some light?

He's drives your car and gives you an ultimatum? Lol. Go home and get debt free.

[ryanst530]

If you see a future with him, why don't you guys compromise and move to a less costly part of California where you can save up some money and pay off your debts? There are many parts of California that people often overlook that happen to be affordable, while still maintaining a decent amount of that California vibe.

Check out areas like Palmdale/Lancaster, Bakersfield, Inland Empire/Deserts, etc. Don't just dismiss these places because they are not San Diego or Santa Monica... they have potential for personal/career growth, are affordable, are close to the big cities, and still offer the California vibe.

You have options.

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by ryanst530

If you see a future with him, why don't you guys compromise and move to a less costly part of California where you can save up some money and pay off your debts? There are many parts of California that people often overlook that happen to be affordable, while still maintaining a decent amount of that California vibe.

Check out areas like Palmdale/Lancaster, Bakersfield, Inland Empire/Deserts, etc. Don't just dismiss these places because they are not San Diego or Santa Monica... they have potential for personal/career growth, are affordable, are close to the big cities, and still offer the California vibe.

You have options.

I don't define Bakersfield as "an option". Sorry. Maybe that's just me. Places like Morro Bay or San Luis Obispo, maybe (cheaper is a relative, California way, but still--a little cheaper) are "options". But would they have jobs for the OP and her bf? Still, I can see how the prospect of paying off all her school loan debt in just a few months would be very tempting, and definitely sensible. Why can't this guy wait a few months for her to do that? Why is that a big deal? Maybe if they discussed it, they might find it to be a good compromise.

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by Macrina

Ruth, I just can't find this in the original post. Can you help me out? Here's the entirely of her first post, but I put it into paragraphs to make it more readable. The OP wrote:



I'm mentioning it because it makes, in my mind, a great deal of difference whether the OP had first given an
ultimatum.

Isn't it here?

I brought this up to my boyfriend and he says it's pretty much either I go home or him.


She can either have him in her life, or go home for awhile, but she can't have both, is the implication I see. But we don't have much info to go on. The OP still hasn't returned, to tell us what the discussion covered, exactly. I expected she'd have dropped in by now, to fill in the blanks.

[Harpaint]

I agree with going back home until you have paid your debts. I hope it won't require you to break a lease though, as that would just increase your debt. Good Luck!

[BurnInTheMil]

Originally Posted by Rachel.levine

Hello! I've never done this before but I am at a loss. My boyfriend and I moved to California about 9 months ago, and we've been struggling since day 1. We both knew how expensive California was but I don't think we were ready. I moved here with a bunch of debt that has really only accumulated since Ive been here. I've told my family of my financial woes and they are willing to take me in for the amount of time I need to pay my debt off. (Maybe 5 months) I brought this up to my boyfriend and he says it's pretty much either I go home or him. I'm 25 and don't want to be in debt anymore and have an opportunity to rid myself of it in a quick fashion.. But my boyfriend wont move back home... But has been relying on me for our 50/50 split on everything and my car. Anyone wanna shed some light?

Leave the dude behind. Take care of #1 (yourself), especially since there is no “commitment” as far as marriage, kids, etc... He sounds like a bum honestly. Drives YOUR car, and then gives you a choice of “him or east coast”.

Let the dude stay behind, fall in debt without you, and walk everywhere since he doesn’t own a vehicle. It’s not worth going deeper into debt, especially if you’re already 5 months worth behind.

[loveautumn]

Seems you have realized that California is too expensive for you, especially since you’ve accumulated more debt since you’ve been here...not a good sign. Unfortunately your bf hasn’t realized this yet, seems the debt is falling in your lap not his. Be glad you’ve realized this early on before you’ve gotten in way over your head. Take the offer of help from your family and see what happens. California cost of living is way too much for most people these days, so do the wise thing...keep in mind that once you pay off your debt, if you return here you’ll just get into more debt again because nothing will have really changed. I know from personal experience because when I moved here a very long time ago I got way into debt and it took me many many years to pay it off.