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I’ve never posted on a forum before so forgive me if I seem a little clueless on proper etiquette. I’m a 20 year old Asian male, turning 21 in a month. Stereotypical neglected middle child if that helps. I’m trapped inside a house owned by my abusive, obsessively controlling parents. I would say they’re pretty neurotic and dysfunctional and over the years I’ve examined how they have raised me to live a life doomed for failure.
They have some sort of controlfreak-anxiety that some parents (especially Asian) have where they obsess over their “importance” in their children’s lives. For example if I am to be successful, it is to be credited to them and them only for providing me with a roof to live under, insurance, a car, tuition ect. And if they feel like I am headed towards the wrong path, they assume too much “responsibility” and start to dominate my life and strip away all freedoms that come with being human. They don’t let me make my own decisions. They “ground” me like I’m still in middle school so I’m forced to lie that I have group projects for school, work, ect. in order to hang out with my friends. My social life is so miniscule; it’s driving me insane from loneliness. My dad abuses my dog who happens to be the kindest and most innocent thing alive. He’s straight up abusive to those vulnerable and powerless to his patriarchal dominance. My parents don’t care for my well-being as much as whether I graduate school and make a lot of money, marry some obedient Asian girl and pass on the family dynasty. Their desire for my “success” is driven off of their desire to honor the family name (very traditional Asian values) instead of a genuine care for their child. My parents literally haven’t taught me a thing on how to sustain in society on my own and it’s created this unhealthy relationship where even though I can’t stand living with them, I am helplessly dependent and reliant on them to survive.
Recently, my life has been crashing down upon me. I’ve been coping with chronic depression and issues with an abusive girlfriend, abandonment, and drug addiction (prevalently legally prescribed marijuana). I have fully come to peace with the fact I am currently in the most horrible stage of my life and I know that only time will allow me to gather myself and get out of this rut. My parents on the other hand do not understand me at all and see me as some lazy failure who only wants to have fun and do drugs. Every day I try my heart out to make it through another day and refrain from committing suicide but it’s so hard when the ones that are supposed to help are emotionally and physically abusing you and making everything worse. I am scared because I don't know how long I have until I give in, but for now I am hoping I can remain functionally sane until I can move out 12-18 months from now.
Sorry for the emotional rant but with that being said; someone please help me and fill out the role my parents were supposed to. Like I said, I am about to turn 21. I’m a full time student at a university (which my parents pay tuition for), studying to become a community college or high school teacher. I deliver pizza for a living, which requires me having a car. My car is owned by my dad so if I were to move out I would not be able to keep it. So I’m thinking I need to save up money to buy a car before I can move out, correct? I work about 15 hours a week, with tips and everything my income totals to about $700 a month.
So how do I move out? Do I file to become an independent, and if I do, will I receive any government aide? Can it be done with only working 15 hours a week or do I need to find a second job? Does it seem possible that I can save up enough money to move out by my 12-18 month deadline? How do I pay my bills? What do bills even look like?!?! Do I need health insurance? Do I need to start paying for tuition right away or do government loans cover all expenses for now until I graduate? How much of my income should be going towards rent/utilities, groceries, gas, insurance, tuition, savings, ect? How much money should I have saved up before I actually move out? (I live in Southern California so the cost of living is kind of high too). I am so lost and I feel like the next couple years are going to be crucial in determining the outcome of my life. Please provide me with any guidance that might be necessary and feel free to share your experiences of moving out from your parents’ home. Thanks.
ps. also if you are aware of a different forum where this post would fit in better please let me know
Last edited by leochingkwake; 12-07-2014 at 09:53 PM..
Call your college's counseling center, tell them you are having suicidal thoughts, and that you would like to see them immediately.
How do you intend to pay for college if you move out?
I guarantee you that you won't survive delivering pizzas 15 hours a week.
Instead of buying a car, live on the bus line or close to school. Get a student employment job through the university. Which brings us back to, who is going to pay for college if you move out?
Call your college's counseling center, tell them you are having suicidal thoughts, and that you would like to see them immediately.
How do you intend to pay for college if you move out?
I guarantee you that you won't survive delivering pizzas 15 hours a week.
Instead of buying a car, live on the bus line or close to school. Get a student employment job through the university. Which brings us back to, who is going to pay for college if you move out?
Stop smoking dope.
Stop seeing the abusive girlfriend.
Abusive relationships are sometimes the hardest ones to leave. They manipulate you into becoming totally dependent on them. But yes, I am no longer with her, but still suffering from emotional trauma that resulted from the relationship.
I'm a medical marijuana patient. I have general anxiety problems, insomnia, depression, chronic back pain, and problems eating. Doctor recommended anti-depressants but I feel strongly against them so I chose a more natural alternative. But yeah I plan on cutting down drastically.
Also, sorry I forgot to mention but if I move out in 18 months, I should only have 1 semester left before I graduate. That's about $6000 in tuition still. I'm just wondering do I have to put down a significant payment before I can enroll or does the government give out loans that can be completely ignored until after graduation?
Thanks for your help, I'm slowly realizing that I either need another job or more hours.
You are legally an adult at the age of 18 in the US for most reasons. Being 21 gives you a few more advantages. But for financial reasons of taxes your parents are most likely claiming you as a dependent on their taxes. They are allowed to claim you as a dependent (even though you have an income from your job) because they provide more than 50% of the cost of your housing and food. How do you file your tax return at the end of the year? Do your parents handle that? Do your siblings still live at home?
Talk to a counselor about different medications that can help take the place of the medical marijuana. I'm not against marijuana but you are going to have a more difficult time getting a job, if they choose to urine drug test you (you should pass if you have a legal prescription but there may still be a stigma attached and you can't work some jobs if you are under the influence), and there are lots of medications out there to try.
One that comes to mind is mirtazapine because it is pretty effective for anxiety and depression with a side effect of appetite stimulation and it makes most people sleepy within an hour of taking it. Seriously, drugs are drugs whether it is marijuana or mirtazapine. But pharmaceutical drugs are more accepted in society. Being high is not accepted in most of society. You will have to live by a differet set of rules so that you can make the most of every hour of every day.
It sounds like you probably qualify for a diagnosis of PTSD as well.
You could take out a small student loan to pay for the last semester of school, but you will need your parents' tax return information to fill out the FAFSA form. Therefore, I think the best course of action is to go to your school financial aid office so they can steer you in the right direction.
In the meanwhile, I would go to a bank and open your own checking and savings account. They are often free (no monthly fees attached) for college students. Be sure to have your student ID with you. Also ask if they will open a credit card account for you as well. Again, they have special accounts for students that don't let you charge too much but it lets you establish credit which is critical for getting an apartment and other things. Start saving every penny you earn. Allow yourself a small allowance for needs, not wants. If you saved $500 per month for 18 months you would have $9000. That might be enough to almost get you through the last semester for tuition and shared rent, with an on-campus job to help pay for food.
Without a credit or rental history it will be difficult for you to get an apartment on your own. You would need a co-signer. Most college kids have their parents co-sign, but I'm sure you don't want to do that. So maybe you can find someone who is graduating in the middle of the year and needs to have someone take over their lease or find a group of students who have room for an additional person to split the rent with. I would also search for something close to campus and skip having a car. Either use the bus or get a bike, much cheaper. There may be a housing office on campus that can help you find a place to live and get you a job on campus.
Living on your own is going to be a big shock, especially if your parents haven't given you any education in managing your money, cooking for yourself, shopping, and just generally being independent. Our daughter was provided with all these things from us and still found moving out of our house (went to college in another state) to be stressful at first. There is a lot to take care of when you live on your own. Take this time while you are still at home to get your health on track (yes, you will need insurance, but that can usually be obtained through the university as long as you remain a full time student...or try finding a Starbucks to work at since they give benefits if you work just 20 hours/week). Also, try to talk to some of your friends about how they manage their money, average cost of rent in your area, how to use the public transportation, where do they shop for groceries, etc. If you feel that your parents may not allow you to take your personal belongings with you when you leave you may want to ask a friend if you can bring things over and have boxes there where you can bring an item or two at a time so that your parents don't realize that your things are missing. I would focus on clothing and personal items.
Paying your bills will be easier if you live with some trustworthy roommates. They can tell you exactly when the rent and utilities are due, how much your portion will be, and where to go to pay the bills. Beyond that, you go to the cashiers office at the university to pay your tuition. Usually when you sign up for classes they tell you when your tuition is due. Other than that you will have to provide for your groceries and maybe roommates can guide you how to shop and where to buy groceries to maximize your money.
If you have one more semester left before you graduate, is it possible to suck it up and deal with things until you graduate? That will allow you to get better employment and perhaps once you've graduated, you can find a job with that diploma which will be in a city further away from your parents.
As far as legality goes, you're already an adult so you can just walk out the door and there's not much your parents can legally do about it. Of course, it's their car, their house, their money, etc., too, so you don't get to take those with you which makes it hard to just walk away. Things would be a lot easier for you if you were able to graduate, though. Suck it up and stick it out one more semester and then get a job far far away.
Hawaii is usually hiring teachers. Apply to the Hawaii DOE as soon as you've graduated and don't tell your parents that you're doing it. Pick an island less expensive to live on than Oahu and once you've gotten the teaching job, you'll be about 2,500 miles away from your parents (unless they already live in Hawaii). So, there ya go, new respectable job, away from the parents and in a place that is very Asian friendly. If you have a plan like that, then you'll be able to have something to work towards and look forward to.
You need to talk to someone if you are even slightly entertaining taking your own life. Call the Suicide hotline or find counselors at school, that could direct you to some help.
Whatever you do, don't give up!!!! Things will change, and eventually get better for you.
You can apply for loans through Fafsa, and you can get loans to cover school and all living expenses and they don't have to be repaid until you graduate.
(You are 20, but still in college, so family and social services may be able to help you with getting some counseling or some financial help.)
I don't think you will be able to afford a car right now, considering your circumstances, so I would do as suggested and find something on a bus-line. You can check and see if there is any available student housing near your school, or check into renting a room, or finding a roommate or two from school to help with the bills. Or look for an efficiency or studio apt., they are usually much cheaper.
Keep your chin up, keep working hard at school, your future is bright ahead of you (even if you don't think so), you are strong, you have already been through a lot. Things will change, and things will eventually get better.
If you are having this much problems, how do you think you will survive being a teacher? You think dealing with your parents and girlfriend is an issue, every child will have parents who believe their precious child deserves an A just for showing up, or if they don't. Pressures can hammer you from having to 'teach to the test', etc.
I agree with prior posters. You need counseling, NOW. Not only about your immediate problems, but your future plans. You need to get your head straight before anything else, and that includes recovering your sense of self-worth.
You need to speak with your financial aid office about funding your last semester.
I 100 % agree with this.
Plenty of people in the larger American culture aren't going to understand what's happening within your family. I only get it because I have a friend who is Vietnamese and had to cut off from his mom for ten years to become an adult. (Not suggesting you do that; just saying I understand.)
When you talk to people like the financial aid folks, use terms like: cultural difference and "In my culture we blah, blah, blah." It's important that you frame it in a way that non Asians can understand otherwise you run the risk that the larger culture will just think you're being difficult.
Financial aid is an excellent place to start. And push for info. If you don't feel satisfied, push again, talk to someone else. Your parents have "infantilized' you to a point and it'll be hard but worth it.
You might also want to call a local shelter/hot line for people in abusive situations. Long ago, people thought that only women were in such situations -- we know better today. Call them, talk to the, be open to what they have to say.
If you happen to live in CA, PM me -- because there's a person you can talk to who might be able to offer suggestions.
Alley
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