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Old 11-14-2010, 09:08 PM
 
Location: Downtown Orlando, FL
573 posts, read 992,602 times
Reputation: 526

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....my most recent complaint letter, for your amusement....

November 11, 2010

General Mills
PO Box 9452
Minneapolis, MN 55440

Attn: Complaint Department

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing today about my recent disenchanting experience with one of your products, specifically one of your monster-themed breakfast cereals, Franken Berry.

While I could bet my retirement account that the majority of the complaint letters you receive about your monster cereals is in regards to having them only available during Halloween, my complaint is of a much more dire and emergent nature. Upon purchasing a box of Franken Berry from my local grocer the other week, I glimpsed the back of the box and noticed a cut-out poster of sorts, part of a scary monster poster series. I didn’t want to check the intricate details of this monster poster while at the grocer, just in case it was so scary that I peed my pants. I drove home as fast as I could expecting to be scared out of my gourd.

Imagine my bewilderment when I sat myself down in full anticipation of what could possibly be the scariest moment of my life and was met merely with a sorry-assed pitiful lame excuse for a scary monster poster (enclosed). Not only did I find it not scary, but it was actually the opposite of scary, whatever adjective that may be. It shows Franken Berry, in all of his pinkness, smiling out of a metal door, with various warnings such as “scary stuff” and “keep out, this means you!”. The top of the poster boldly dares the cereal purchaser to “Collect all 3!!!” Collect all 3? There’s actually 2 more of these God-forsaken posters in circulation? What, pray tell, are they? Fluffy kittens in silk and gentle butterflies on a toddler’s nose? Jesus, Anne Geddes could make a scarier poster than the non-scary numbskulls at General Mills. Yeah, I said it, non-scary numbskulls!

Look, I understand that the cereal is supposed to be a kid’s cereal, but c’mon…you know the only people who are buying this crap is the nostalgic 30- and 40-somethings since you’ve taken the cereal out of circulation except during Halloween. So you guys need to start catering to that crowd! Not to mention, kids can handle the scarier stuff nowadays, it’s not like back in the 70’s and 80’s when we had ******* and Pet Shop Boys and Jimmy Carter. Kids in this generation have Resident Evil and Insane Clown Posse and Dick Cheney…trust me, their little hearts can handle the fear.

To be fair, I did take into consideration that perhaps my threshold to be frightened may be higher than some. Later in the day I invited some emo punks over to check out your poster. And you know what? The emos weren’t even scared. As most in the scenester crowd knows, if it isn’t scary to an emo, it’s just not freakin’ scary.

I can’t imagine what the imbecilic inventor of this poster was thinking while presenting it to the board of directors at General Mills…were you seriously giving each other high-fives around the conference room table, thinking to yourselves, “Now this is a mutha freakin’ scary poster!!!” ???

I am not one to complain without offering a solution, so without further adieu, I present to you a prototype replacement for your non-scary poster :


<I am unable to load the picture up, but it's of a little girl with razor blade cuts. Photoshopped, of course....>


It is my recommendation that this screaming-crying-razor-cut-little-girl picture be immediately placed on the back of any future Franken Berry cereal boxes. I am not writing for coupons or for free cereal, but I do wish for an answer as to the approximate launch date of the new scary poster for your Franken Berry. I eagerly await your reply.

Kindest regards,


Cindy ********
Orlando, FL 32803
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Old 11-15-2010, 11:36 AM
 
27,654 posts, read 21,554,463 times
Reputation: 25300
Quote:
Originally Posted by ilovebdj View Post
....my most recent complaint letter, for your amusement....

November 11, 2010

General Mills
PO Box 9452
Minneapolis, MN 55440

Attn: Complaint Department

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing today about my recent disenchanting experience with one of your products, specifically one of your monster-themed breakfast cereals, Franken Berry.

While I could bet my retirement account that the majority of the complaint letters you receive about your monster cereals is in regards to having them only available during Halloween, my complaint is of a much more dire and emergent nature. Upon purchasing a box of Franken Berry from my local grocer the other week, I glimpsed the back of the box and noticed a cut-out poster of sorts, part of a scary monster poster series. I didn’t want to check the intricate details of this monster poster while at the grocer, just in case it was so scary that I peed my pants. I drove home as fast as I could expecting to be scared out of my gourd.

Imagine my bewilderment when I sat myself down in full anticipation of what could possibly be the scariest moment of my life and was met merely with a sorry-assed pitiful lame excuse for a scary monster poster (enclosed). Not only did I find it not scary, but it was actually the opposite of scary, whatever adjective that may be. It shows Franken Berry, in all of his pinkness, smiling out of a metal door, with various warnings such as “scary stuff” and “keep out, this means you!”. The top of the poster boldly dares the cereal purchaser to “Collect all 3!!!” Collect all 3? There’s actually 2 more of these God-forsaken posters in circulation? What, pray tell, are they? Fluffy kittens in silk and gentle butterflies on a toddler’s nose? Jesus, Anne Geddes could make a scarier poster than the non-scary numbskulls at General Mills. Yeah, I said it, non-scary numbskulls!

Look, I understand that the cereal is supposed to be a kid’s cereal, but c’mon…you know the only people who are buying this crap is the nostalgic 30- and 40-somethings since you’ve taken the cereal out of circulation except during Halloween. So you guys need to start catering to that crowd! Not to mention, kids can handle the scarier stuff nowadays, it’s not like back in the 70’s and 80’s when we had ******* and Pet Shop Boys and Jimmy Carter. Kids in this generation have Resident Evil and Insane Clown Posse and Dick Cheney…trust me, their little hearts can handle the fear.

To be fair, I did take into consideration that perhaps my threshold to be frightened may be higher than some. Later in the day I invited some emo punks over to check out your poster. And you know what? The emos weren’t even scared. As most in the scenester crowd knows, if it isn’t scary to an emo, it’s just not freakin’ scary.

I can’t imagine what the imbecilic inventor of this poster was thinking while presenting it to the board of directors at General Mills…were you seriously giving each other high-fives around the conference room table, thinking to yourselves, “Now this is a mutha freakin’ scary poster!!!” ???

I am not one to complain without offering a solution, so without further adieu, I present to you a prototype replacement for your non-scary poster :


<I am unable to load the picture up, but it's of a little girl with razor blade cuts. Photoshopped, of course....>


It is my recommendation that this screaming-crying-razor-cut-little-girl picture be immediately placed on the back of any future Franken Berry cereal boxes. I am not writing for coupons or for free cereal, but I do wish for an answer as to the approximate launch date of the new scary poster for your Franken Berry. I eagerly await your reply.

Kindest regards,


Cindy ********
Orlando, FL 32803

I love it!

My favorite line: "Jesus, Anne Geddes could make a scarier poster than the non-scary numbskulls at General Mills."

Please tell me you sent it!

Not on the same level of creativity, but when I was a teenager, I sent a letter to General Mills, too. I read on the side panel of my Cocoa Puffs box that if I was not satisfied with the quality and/or performance of the product, to write to the company for a refund. I thought the wording was funny, so I wrote them a letter saying that while the quality of the Cocoa Puffs was fine, they did not perform for me at all. They rolled a little bit when I pushed them, but that was it.

General Mills sent me a check for, if I recall correctly, 57 cents, which was the price of Cocoa Puffs at the time. They also sent a letter of apology saying that there must have been a problem with their puffing gun. Apparently the letter was a form that they sent to anyone who complained about anything, and the numbskulls who worked there at that time either had no sense of humor or didn't actually read my letter.
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Old 11-30-2010, 11:11 AM
 
313 posts, read 347,918 times
Reputation: 151
More proof that women aren't funny.
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Old 11-30-2010, 11:33 AM
 
42,346 posts, read 46,124,393 times
Reputation: 13194
I would bet they don't read the ops letter either;just too long and i bet they get alot of letter. the cost would be prohibitaive likely.
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Old 11-30-2010, 07:21 PM
 
Location: Alexandria, VA
5,513 posts, read 9,317,361 times
Reputation: 3772
I did learn one thing - I thought FrankenBerry was totally gone, no idea it came back around Halloween.
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Old 11-30-2010, 09:59 PM
 
Location: home...finally, home .
7,859 posts, read 12,470,339 times
Reputation: 16528
They may have thought that they were being scammed by Ted Nancy (that Jerry Seinfeld alter ego) who writes letters to various companies as a joke.
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