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As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware
that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg 0A
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screamed, 'How dare you touch me like that! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
----------- --------- --------- ---------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine corps Gunnery Sgt.
------ ------ --------- --------- ---------
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper.. Once."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."
----------- --------- --------- ---------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"Never trade luck for skill."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
And
"Oh ----!"
----------- --------- --------- ---------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains.
Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
------------ --------- --------- --------- -
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation;
We never left one up there!"
----------- --------- --------- ---------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understandingor doing anything about it."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks,
"What happened?"
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
----------- --------- --------- ---------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine corps Gunnery Sgt.
------ ------ --------- --------- ---------
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper.. Once."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."
----------- --------- --------- ---------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"Never trade luck for skill."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
And
"Oh ----!"
----------- --------- --------- ---------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains.
Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
------------ --------- --------- --------- -
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation;
We never left one up there!"
----------- --------- --------- ---------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understandingor doing anything about it."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks,
"What happened?"
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
GOD:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
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You have to stop that, you know. 
Wisdom
