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Found out that a boy my son has been having trouble with at school has Asperger's. The other boy is 9; my son is 8. I do not plan on saying "Oh the other kid has such and such..."
What can you tell me so I can give my son some insight/tools/advice on how to get along better with this other boy?
Really just want to help my son be a better friend to the other child.
Thank you.
Last edited by calgirlinnc; 12-02-2010 at 05:34 PM..
Remember that not every child with asperger's has the same challenges. All of them will have social difficulties, but each one will be different.
Autism and asperger's are differences in the way the brain works. Often, a child with asperger's doesn't pick up on the social cues that tell him when someone is bored and goes on talking about something that the other child doesn't care about. It is probably best to be direct rather than subtle in letting him know that you want to change the subject.
It helps if your child has an interest in the particular games and subjects that the asperger's child has an interest in, too.
I agree with nana.
What kinds of problems is your son having with him?
Its easier to help if we know this.
Depending on this child, the best way to get along with him can be completely different. sometimes it could also help if you talk to the parent of the child and find ways to get them together. (if there are any interests).
My son has recently been diagnosed. He is different than the average child with aspergers though. He wants to be involved with other kids and gets really hurt by them excluding him. Many aspies don't really want to be in a lot of social setting though.
The main problem seems to be is that the other boy seems to think most other kids (including my son) are "mean". The first several times I met this other boy he would tell me that so and so was mean, to stay away from so and so. (I have a whole other thread posted).
The other boy wants to control play time at recess, control things at karate, etc. and if my son does not go along with the other boy, the other boy tells all and sundry that my son is mean.
We have been trying to teach our son to walk away, to not respond, to ignore it if he has to--because if he responds with frustration, then HE is likely to get into trouble. Of course, the other boy takes this to be mean as well.
The other boy threatens my son constantly--"I'm gonna get you kicked out of karate. I'm gonna get you kicked out of school." The newest one is "My mom can't stand you and she's going to come talk to you on Friday".
Yesterday at Karate, my DH was there the whole time. The other boy was again complaining about my son being mean...but DH was observant and said my son did nothing untoward except not pay much attention to the other boy. (The other boy is not very focused at Karate, gets called out for talking, etc., and my son is starting to take karate very seriously and really WANTS to focus while there).
To complicate matters, the boy seems, in the words of one teacher, "mousy" in front of adults and another way in front of other children.
My son is confused because I think he would like to be friends with the other boy, but it is almost impossible.
____
BTW, my son of course is not blameless--it takes two, as they say--but he is NOT a mean kid, has always had plenty of friends, etc. We have not encountered a problem like this before.
I have found there are 2 basic types of parents when it comes to special needs kids. 1. thinks everything should be about their kid, and their kid does no wrong and should be left alone because they "can't" do .......
2. Tries to mold the child to the best of their ability to get along with the rest of the world. and to be able to someday be the best possible person they can be.
so, it depends on the type of parents this boy has on what I think you should do.
Basically everything you said describes most kids with asperger's.
If the parents are parent #2 I would highly reccomend talking to them. find out if this boy is getting any type of social skills training. let them know what is going on and dont make your son out to be perfect. good chance the parents will be very defensive. If you really want to teach your son something that will stick with him forever, try to befriend this family. I heard the book "it is so hard to be your friend" (I think thats the name) is very good. Learn with your son about aspergers and hold some supervised "playdates". Dont let your son be alone with him though.
I have found dealing with the parents of special needs kids is much trickier than being with the kids themselves. This boy may really need a friend. and if he is completely out of control remember it is not his fault. it is the fault of both the aspergers, parents, and community.
With that being said. if it is parent #1. Your son should not loose out because of this boy. first talk to the parents and karate instructor. something has to be worked out because it should not interfere with the other kids having fun, and learning.
Basically everything you said describes most kids with asperger's.
WOW. Really? Wow.
I am afraid the parents fall in the first category. The few times I have spoken to the mom, she has said things like "My son is more mature than your son" because he is 1 year older (I had to try really hard not to roll my eyes)....she talks about other kids behind their backs....I know they had trouble at this same school last year with other kids who have since left.
I cannot believe that a parent would think to go speak to another child and not contact that child's parents first.
I also cannot believe that this kid can go around calling my son mean, mean, mean...and no one says "boo" about it. I am SO DISAPPOINTED with the way the school is handling it...their solution is to keep the boys apart, and guess what? That strategy is not working. Also I think a lot of the teachers see the first boy as "mousy" (not my words) and cannot believe that he can be the one causing half of the trouble. But I have seen it myself.
If/when my son acts wrongly, then I am the first person to correct him and address it.
But this other kid is also stressing my son (imagine someone going around telling everyone you are mean...and what this can do to your confidence)...and nothing seems to be done about that.
It is totally frustrating for me.
I am hoping if I can say to *myself*, OK this other kid has a condition, it would help me be more patient and tolerant. I have a ways to go, though.
MY son is hurting, and I don't know how to help him.
you have a tough situation. I'm sorry your son has to go through this. What I don't get about the situation is why the boy is saying the other kids are mean. To me; he is either misunderstanding something people are saying/doing (very common, some of the kids are being mean, or he is repeating stuff his mom is saying. Everyone with aspergers is not the same but typically they have a very hard time understanding typical social cues and behaviors and they are also typically honest to a fault. does not mean this is the case here though. Is there any chance maybe your son was around other kids while they were teasing him?
The school is in a bad spot. The slightest thing they do to this boy they can be brought up on charges. At the beginning of this year I met a lady who had a son with severe ADHD(maybe something else I dont know about). He had very bad behavior problems. She kept fighting the school to keep him in regular classes. I think it is 5th grade. when I met her she flipped out on me and another mom who were talking about how we hold our kids accountable for their actions. anyway long story short. Things got so bad that 7 moms were taking her and the school to court trying to get her son put in either a self contained class or kicked out. She was livid. She expected everyone else to tip toe around him and to not learn just so he would be included.
Basically the school and teachers are damned if they do and damned if they don't.
Is the situation the worst at karate or school? maybe tackle one of them. see the counselor (with your son) and see if they can do a "conflict resolution" type class. tell your son that he needs to admit what he has done wrong and not be confrontational. another common thing with most aspies: if you are to the point and very articulate in explanations they will get it. most are more "mature" when it comes to dealing with and understanding "adult situation" but not normal social situations.
for instance. my 9 yr old son understands and can explain how to take apart a computer, manage money, why other people are poor (in his opinion), why hitler hated jews,etc but if your at the park and walk up to him and say i'm gonna go swing, he'll say okay and then sit there. you have to be to the point and say come swing with me. then of course he is happy and runs to the swings.
I hope I have helped at least a little. I know I get talking a little to much.
Unfortunately there's only so much you and your son can do if no one is going to intervene and help the other kid. I have a child with mild/mod Asperger's and her relentlessness can drive me crazy. To hell with waterboarding I say, put the enemy in a room with an Aspie kid and watch the results.
The parents (and school) aren't doing the other boy any favors. He needs to learn how to function in the real world, not making excuses, not keeping him separate. It's a long and frequently unrewarding road. Social skills take forever to be taught.
As for your son, I hate to throw the "B" word around, but is it possible to approach the school saying your son is being bullied? The other kid won't leave him alone, is talking about him behind his back, making it hard for you son to be in school? There are no easy answers, especially if the other parents don't see a problem.
Unfortunately there's only so much you and your son can do if no one is going to intervene and help the other kid. I have a child with mild/mod Asperger's and her relentlessness can drive me crazy. To hell with waterboarding I say, put the enemy in a room with an Aspie kid and watch the results.
The parents (and school) aren't doing the other boy any favors. He needs to learn how to function in the real world, not making excuses, not keeping him separate. It's a long and frequently unrewarding road. Social skills take forever to be taught.
As for your son, I hate to throw the "B" word around, but is it possible to approach the school saying your son is being bullied? The other kid won't leave him alone, is talking about him behind his back, making it hard for you son to be in school? There are no easy answers, especially if the other parents don't see a problem.
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I never thought of that. (waterboarding comment) to funny, I needed a laugh this morning.
I hadn't thought of the bullying thing. Depending on the school. That is a possibility.
by the way all of this is sounding I think most results would come in the karate class. Talk to the sensei(?) and maybe the other parents.
And yes, I see what you mean....when my son tries to get some distance from the other boy (what he tells me is that he would like to be friends with the other boy but with other kids also)...the other boy gets all in his face like "What did I do? Why aren't we friends? What is wrong with you?" and won't leave my son alone.
I should have said that it is a small private school.
I did write a letter to them and I DID use the "b" word...and I also said that I was going to document everything in writing from now on. I don't see how a child can threaten another child and there be no repurcussions. I said that keeping them sepearate was inadequate, that my child's learning is being disrupted, etc., etc. The reception I got was quite chilly.
The sensei did sit both of them down at karate last week and told them what was going on was unacceptable...but then a few days later it was back to the "he's mean, he's mean, he's mean."
IDK why the other kid keeps saying that...it's just his MO I guess.
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I'm sure I'll get in trouble for this post.
