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Old 10-14-2013, 02:54 PM
 
Location: Seattle, Washington
2,533 posts, read 4,587,174 times
Reputation: 2820

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
What does your GF say about all of it? Are there support groups in your area?
Quote:
Originally Posted by willow wind View Post
Her son will always be part of her life. He will always be autistic. Only you can determine what part in their lives you want to play, if at all.

It's not an easy situation and there is no right and wrong. You just need to be honest with yourself and she with you. Good luck
She has asked me to read books and watch videos on it.. "Autism for dummies" etc... etc... but it still doesn't help dealing with him because I don't have the patience.


Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
I don't understand. How can he be in 11th grade if he is only functioning at the 3rd grade level? Something about the OP's interpretation sounds off.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Special education students are in their grade at school due to their chronological age not their academic/social/behavioral functioning level. Also functioning levels may not be level. A child may be physically at a 17 year old level, socially like a 12 year old, fine motor skills at a 10 year old level and cognitively like a 8 year old.

I once had a four year old student with autism who could read at the third grade level but his dressing skills were at the 18 month level. He couldn't take off his slip-on shoes or his hat or coat. And it took weeks for us to teach him how to put on shoes and his coat. Ironically, he was toilet trained/toilet regulated when he joined my class but only if an adult pulled down his underwear and pants and put him on the toilet and then when he was done pulled up his underwear and pants----remember this was a child who could easily read third grade level books. Yes, autism is unusual and students can have a very wide range of skills.
That's it. I asked her that exact question and she told me "The school just keeps passing him right on through." I went to the open house last month and met his special ed teacher. She said that he has serious social skill issues (i.e. touching people, walking up to complete strangers and talking to them as if he has known them forever... etc) There was an incident a few months back at the fair... he walked up to a young girl (8 years old maybe) and started talking to her... he had an erection that was obvious and his mom had to run up and hurry him off to the bathroom. What happens if this behavior occurs when he's 18? I don't think "he's an autistic" will get him off the hook...

You know what he does at school? Learns how to do "at home" stuff... like putting dishes away, folding laundry... his "job training" that they have him in consists of learning how to stock grocery shelves. They actually had a shelf there labeled and products to match and the kids stock the shelves.

He never has homework... he just goes to school and comes home and spends the rest of his evening watching disney cartoons on netflix or train videos on youtube. (He is infatuated with railroad trains)

He was suspended from school last week for a day... apparently he wanted to talk to a girl in the lunchroom and she didn't want to talk back to him... he kept bothering her, she told a teacher... he stormed out but not before kicking a hole in the wall.

Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
He sounds like a true autistic, or serious autistic that can never live a normal life.
True autism is not a minor problem. Your poor ex-girlfriend -- she will never have a normal life, this boy will never hold down a job and support himself.
I agree. He has no interest in doing anything but netflix or youtube. ANYTHING that requires effort (I've tried to get him to read a book or do something like a crossword puzzle) and he tries for all of 7 seconds before having a tantrum and giving up.

How will he EVER hold a job? Even the stocking shelves stuff they are teaching him in school? How will he ever take care of himself?

I watched him make a PBJ sandwich in the kitchen yesterday... he succeeded but not before having half the kitchen counter covered in jelly. I guess I shouldn't be surprised though. As said he's very verbal... he'll talk to you death about a train or a cartoon that he likes but his motor skills are horrible. When it comes to writing his handwriting is like that of a 1st grader and his chance of picking of a glass of milk without dropping it is 50% at best.

He can't tie his own shoes and has difficulty dressing himself. Supposedly he is learning how to wash dishes in school but it's the same routine at every meal... he eats and either leaves his dishes on table or puts them in the sink for either his mom or me to clean up... despite the fact the dishwasher is right there and I've told him time and time again he needs to rinse his dishes and put them in the dishwasher.

He is accustomed to having mom wait on him hand and foot... honestly I think she's partially to blame for his behavior. Yes his Dad split when he was diagnosed at 3 and pays a whopping $35 weekly child support so I'll cut her some slack because this situation would be tough on anyone... but she still raised him without discipline of any kind. Now he's 16 and IMHO he's only going to get worse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LOL_Whut View Post
There's your answer! Seriously, it's OK to admit this isn't for you. He's not your son, and you've only been dating his mother for a year.

Make a clean break and move on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe the Photog View Post
This is actually what I was thinking as well. There is no shame in this. The bigger shame would be to feel likeyou are obligated to stick around adn try to be a father figure to this kid. In fact, after just a year, you shouldn't be trying to be a father figure to him at all.

Are you living with them?
They are living with me... not for much longer though. After the big argument we had last Sunday (which led to me making this thread) she told me the other day that they are moving out... and that I am "unhealthy" for them.

We've had a very productive week with no arguments and I've done everything I can to make her kid happy... but she's leaving.

Am I upset? I was for the first 24 hours but now I'm like "Cya. I feel sorry for the next dude that comes your way."

Thanks to everyone for the responses... very much appreciated! This whole thing has been very stressful. I've read about autism on plenty of support groups and parents say the same thing... "Oh, I love my child and autism was a blessing." I guess I can't relate to that because I don't have kids of my own... but I am of the opinion that autism is the ultimate test of patience. It isn't a blessing at all... it sucks actually.

 
Old 10-14-2013, 03:06 PM
 
Location: Gaston, South Carolina
15,704 posts, read 9,417,608 times
Reputation: 17595
Honestly, from your posts, I feel it might be good for everyone if they do leave. The "unhealthy" comment might sting you, but it sounds like the entire situation is unhealthy for everyone. People think that when every relationship ends, that someone must be to blame and there must be huge, logical reasons that everyone can point to. And while you might think the kid is the huge, logical reason, the mother may see it as beign you when, in fact, it just didn't work.

I was always the huge, logical reason why my relationships didn't work out. Just ask all my exes.

 
Old 10-14-2013, 04:07 PM
 
Location: Seattle, Washington
2,533 posts, read 4,587,174 times
Reputation: 2820
Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe the Photog View Post
Honestly, from your posts, I feel it might be good for everyone if they do leave. The "unhealthy" comment might sting you, but it sounds like the entire situation is unhealthy for everyone. People think that when every relationship ends, that someone must be to blame and there must be huge, logical reasons that everyone can point to. And while you might think the kid is the huge, logical reason, the mother may see it as beign you when, in fact, it just didn't work.

I was always the huge, logical reason why my relationships didn't work out. Just ask all my exes.

Thanks for the reassurance!

Last edited by Jaded; 10-17-2013 at 01:55 AM.. Reason: Removed deleted post
 
Old 10-14-2013, 08:45 PM
 
1,263 posts, read 3,269,219 times
Reputation: 1904
I'd break up with her too, and I'm saying that as a parent of an autistic child. This situation isn't good for any of you.

You have no experience with "normal" children, much less a severely autistic teenager. Living with him is an undeniable burden on you. Frankly, it's not good for him either to have a strange male come into his life at age 15. He's going through puberty as well as learning to live in a world that overwhelms him;he needs all the stability he can get.

I don't know what his mother was thinking when she moved him in with a childless boyfriend of only one year.

The mother will have an easier time dating in a few years if she can get the son into a group home, or maybe she should try to date a man with kids. Even better if she can find a father of special needs kids who will understand and cherish her son.

I worry everyday that my ASD preschooler will grow up to be significantly impaired like your girlfriend's son. I have no idea what his future holds - it's too early to tell, and it scares me to death!
 
Old 10-14-2013, 08:53 PM
 
43,011 posts, read 107,636,560 times
Reputation: 30710
Quote:
Originally Posted by LOL_Whut View Post
The mother will have an easier time dating in a few years if she can get the son into a group home...
I wonder what percentage of parents place their adult children in group homes instead of keeping them?
 
Old 10-14-2013, 09:17 PM
 
1,263 posts, read 3,269,219 times
Reputation: 1904
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
I wonder what percentage of parents place their adult children in group homes instead of keeping them?
I have no idea, but I've seen group home "field trips" at a local mall. The developmentally delayed adults being led around were obviously impaired enough that they could never live independently. The nurses/attendants looked a bit "rough around the edges", seemed bored and disinterested, and one had an obvious gang tattoo on her neck. It made me sick to my stomach to imagine my son living in that situation.

I'm afraid to look too far down the line because who knows what will the costs & procedures will be by the time my child is an adult? I'm also hoping it won't come to that, of course, that my son will be high functioning in the long run...

But I'm well aware that my husband and I won't live forever.
 
Old 10-14-2013, 10:59 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,901 posts, read 42,551,934 times
Reputation: 42767
My 15-year-old daughter sounds very similar to the girlfriend's son. She is happy and well-liked at school, thankfully, but she is very childlike and emotionally immature. She will always be that way to an extent and will never be able to live alone. Sorry, OP. It's rough, I know.
 
Old 10-15-2013, 01:57 AM
 
Location: San Antonio
7,629 posts, read 16,381,149 times
Reputation: 18770
There appears to be two people in this relationship with "disabilities" as far as I am concerned...you and the child. Yours are obvious stunted development expecting something he is unable to control thru not fault of his own, yours are due to the inability to accept these issues that are not of his choice or his mothers choice, but need to be accepted and dealt with regardless. His were forced upon him, yours are prejudice as far as the grandma of an autistic 3 1/2 yr old "light of our lives" grandchild are concerned. He may not "act" normal but then neither do you if you expect an exceptional child to meet "your" needs....

This child NEEDS his momma, you WANT her without regard to his needs...they are both really better off without your inability to accept them as they are in their lives.
 
Old 10-15-2013, 09:48 AM
 
Location: Seattle, Washington
2,533 posts, read 4,587,174 times
Reputation: 2820
Quote:
Originally Posted by LOL_Whut View Post
I'd break up with her too, and I'm saying that as a parent of an autistic child. This situation isn't good for any of you.

You have no experience with "normal" children, much less a severely autistic teenager. Living with him is an undeniable burden on you. Frankly, it's not good for him either to have a strange male come into his life at age 15. He's going through puberty as well as learning to live in a world that overwhelms him;he needs all the stability he can get.

I don't know what his mother was thinking when she moved him in with a childless boyfriend of only one year.

The mother will have an easier time dating in a few years if she can get the son into a group home, or maybe she should try to date a man with kids.
She has mentioned a group home and that may be what she does with him... either that or she'll be taking care of him for the rest of his/her life. She has let him spend time (like summer vacations) with his uncle and grandparents... but I've heard horror stories about that too. The grandmother is the only one who can deal with him... the grandfather is driven up the wall (due to lack of patience, just like me) and I guess the uncle probably as well. I know of one time when the uncle tore up the child's pictures of trains because he was tired of the child showing them to him over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. I asked the child and he said "My uncle got angry and ripped up my pictures because he is tired of me talking about my trains."

Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
My 15-year-old daughter sounds very similar to the girlfriend's son. She is happy and well-liked at school, thankfully, but she is very childlike and emotionally immature. She will always be that way to an extent and will never be able to live alone. Sorry, OP. It's rough, I know.
It most certainly is. Good luck to you!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Paka View Post
There appears to be two people in this relationship with "disabilities" as far as I am concerned...you and the child. Yours are obvious stunted development expecting something he is unable to control thru not fault of his own, yours are due to the inability to accept these issues that are not of his choice or his mothers choice, but need to be accepted and dealt with regardless. His were forced upon him, yours are prejudice as far as the grandma of an autistic 3 1/2 yr old "light of our lives" grandchild are concerned. He may not "act" normal but then neither do you if you expect an exceptional child to meet "your" needs....

This child NEEDS his momma, you WANT her without regard to his needs...they are both really better off without your inability to accept them as they are in their lives.
My lack of patience is not a "disability"... it's a "flaw."

Yes, I lack patience. Yes, I get aggravated when I tell someone something 35 times... autistic or not.

Yes, I find it hard to believe that this autistic child can recite an entire Disney movie from beginning to end off the top of his head...but can't remember to take his meds or brush his teeth despite the fact I told him not 2 minutes ago that he needed to do those things.

That's autism right?

Thanks to everyone for contributing to my thread. The relationship is over... my ex and her son are moving out this weekend. She's temporarily moving in with her brother while she makes permanent living arrangements... the same uncle who ripped up the kid's train photos.

I feel sorry for her... he'll never be able to hold a job or support himself. Put your kid in a group home or take care of him the rest of his/your life? What a decision that has to be made.
 
Old 10-15-2013, 10:43 AM
 
Location: Waxhaw, NC
1,076 posts, read 2,357,084 times
Reputation: 1109
The title of your thread says it all. Glad to hear things broke smoothly. The ex was right, it was not healthy for her child. I dont condemn your thoughts, but keeping such a closed mind stunts your learning abilities. Yes, the ability to relay an entire movie verbatum and yet have difficulty doing 2 every day tasks, is autism. Heck, it can even be ADHD.

It's frustrating but a parent is never going to "dump" or "abandon" their kids. We love them unconditionally with their flaws, just like your parents loved you unconditionally with yours. If you were speaking to this mother like you've posted your contempt here "oh poor you, you're in a living hell with nowhere to go" I'm proud of her for walking away. The cards she is dealt are there, there is nowhere to go. And only uplifting and supportive people need to be around her.
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