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I have to agree it was wrong. It's not a disciplinary issue your sister is failing. As a mother of a now ten year old boy with Aspergers, I can't stress what difficulties your sister is going through. It's so hard, when you only want the best for your children, and you cannot help them in the ways they need.
My older sister (and our dad) for a while would say they didn't think my son really had Asperger's. I finally had to put my foot down and say that if they want to be a part of our lives, they needed to read and understand what was going on. I don't know that they ever did much, but they kind of accepted it and don't dismiss his disability anymore. The reason you see all this autism stuff everywhere is because it is sooooo difficult to raise these kids and most parents are desperate and can get exhausted trying to help their kids.
Seriously, what does shutting her out accomplish? Autistic children often have no sense of danger, and therefore no place is usually "child proof " enough. Be a true sister and help her. You probably have no idea how much that would mean to her. There isn't enough help for these kids or parents. Just take a look on here at all the posts from parents willing to move across country for more services (like us).
If you tell me where you live I could point you in a good direction.
Last September my sister, her son and daughter stayed 3 days and nights with me during vacation. My nephew is 5 years old and has autism and Obsessive compulsive disorder. My neice has aspergers.
During the visit my nephew opened my front door of the house and ran across my very busy street. The next day he climb over my tall fence and ran into my neighbor's backyard with a pool (he can't swim.) The last day I found him climbing onto my dining room table and then swinging from the chandelier. Since he has Obsessive compulsive disorder he was turning on all my ceiling fans on and off. I was watching him the entire time. I couldn't handle the stress, because my house isn't child proof and the behavior was dangerous. My nephew could of seriously got injured. I asked my sister if she could stay at her Mother-in-laws for the next few nights. My sister and her kids left and now she has not spoken to me for 1.5 years.
Was I wrong?
If you saw your sister trying everything she could to redirect him, supervise him...then yes, you were wrong. It was only a vacation, she wasn't goign to be living with you- you should have dealt with it for a little bit. Maybe you could have helped her.
If she was like a parent I know, whose son behaves worse than he should despite being autistic, who barely monitors him and just screams instead of helping him learn rules and bounderies and helping him help himself- then no, you weren't wrong.
So, if she was the first parent...what you need to do is write a letter- not place a phone call because she will need time to sit and read...and explain your feelings, and tell her you realized you were wrong, but were out of your comfort zone and responded very poorly and would like another chance.
If she was the second parent, and you want to still have a relationship, still write the letter, explain why you were feeling the way you did...and maybe even explain that you thought part of it was due to lack of supervison-and if she needs help with learning how to handle a child like that and certain methods that work...perhaps both of you can work together, attend some classes (but be prepared for her to be pee-od about that).
I can't believe that everyone is being so hard on the original poster.
This poor lady and her house weren't equipped to deal with a child with these behavior problems. She wasn't asked to take over the care of the child to give the mother a break... she was acting as a host for a family vacation. There is a huge difference between the two.
I know plenty of people with children with similar problems. There is no way that I could properly monitor those children at my own house. It just isn't set up to accommodate kids with special needs, or even toddlers. I have no problem going over to their houses for visits and to sometimes watch the kids to give the parents a break. However, that is a lot different, since I am not expected to be BOTH a host to guests and monitor children with special needs.
If the sister needed a break, then she should seek respite care in a safe environment, not in another person's home that isn't prepared to deal with such dangerous behavior. It is also not clear whether the original poster had any special training in dealing with the special needs of the child. It is foolish to expect someone with no experience with autistic kids to just step up and take over parenting when they see the kid acting out of line and the parent isn't properly supervising the kid. She may have not been mentally prepared for such an experience. There is nothing wrong in stepping back from a situation that she just couldn't handle, and where the kid was putting his own life in danger before her very eyes.
Last September my sister, her son and daughter stayed 3 days and nights with me during vacation. My nephew is 5 years old and has autism and Obsessive compulsive disorder. My neice has aspergers.
During the visit my nephew opened my front door of the house and ran across my very busy street. The next day he climb over my tall fence and ran into my neighbor's backyard with a pool (he can't swim.) The last day I found him climbing onto my dining room table and then swinging from the chandelier. Since he has Obsessive compulsive disorder he was turning on all my ceiling fans on and off. I was watching him the entire time. I couldn't handle the stress, because my house isn't child proof and the behavior was dangerous. My nephew could of seriously got injured. I asked my sister if she could stay at her Mother-in-laws for the next few nights. My sister and her kids left and now she has not spoken to me for 1.5 years.
Was I wrong?
Its really a tough call. I mean, you did know about the child's problems in advance, so his behavior shouldn't have been that much of a surprise to you. If you and your house are unable to accommodate him, then you really shouldn't have agreed to let them stay in the first place. However, I give you credit for trying, many members of my family are EXTREMELY uncomfortable with my son (and he's actually very well behaved for an autistic child), and make no effort at all to spend any time with us since his diagnosis. As far as whether asking her to leave was wrong, I'm going to have to say...sort of. I know you didn't sign up to help her out, but that is what family is supposed to do for each other. I know how hard it is to parent a special needs child, and there are many occasions where I feel overwhelmed and stressed to the breaking point, though I never ask for help because I don't want to "inconvenience" anyone. Your sister likely feels the same way, and I'm sure she was embarrassed and hurt by your actions. It seems obvious to me that you feel bad about it, and would like to make amends with her, so I know you are not a bad person. Like some of the other posters have said, give her a call (I know some people suggested a letter, but I think its less personal, if she's too busy to talk, ask when a good time to call her would be, and call her then) and explain that you feel bad about the incident, and ask how you can make things right. Also, it wouldn't hurt to educate yourself a bit about her child's condition to help better understand him and the things she goes through with him each day. Hope this helps.
I know I am a little late coming into this conversation, but as having two autistic boys (5 and 3-1/2) the behaviour descirbed was spot-on as far as our situation is concerned. As far as was it wrong, I would say no, from a standpoint of safety. It looks to me like a breakdown of communications - that his level of activity and behaviours were not explicitly explained ahead of time, or if they were, perhaps you didn't appreciate those behaviours until you experienced them. I try to be as explicit as I can up front with those who are new to them, but a lot of times, people are like 'yeah, yeah, uh-huh' and then they are around them and go 'wow.' We spend most of our time alone outside of school and work as there is nobody wanting to really spend any amount of time around them and nobody since they have been born has volunteered any free time to watch them, so I could get a break for free. So, I have to say, I admire the fact that you tried to give her a hand. As far as supervision goes - one poster mentioned split-second. That is what it is. I can't tell you how many times I have had to race out of the bathroom to see what the weird noise was, for example. Currently, I if do not have our refrigerator in sight there is a 50/50 chance that something bad will happen to what is stored inside. And too, if I am changing one's diaper, the other will usually take advantage of the momentary freedom to start exploring. Yes, it is all very frustrating, challenging, and can be depressing. It is especially irritating to hear people discuss what to do about this kind of situation when they personally have not/will not experience it for themselves. If you would like to mend the relationship, perhaps learning as much as you can and then calling your sister and saying that you would like her to tell you how you could help her might be a start. We don't have a chandelier, but I relate to the ceiling fan thing. Also, I do not own any kitchen knives that are not under lock and key as they can get to just about anywhere they want in the house. Good luck!
Support for a parent of a child with autism or special needs
I ran across this blog by accident...I can agree with nfsdriver. What your sister needs is emotional support and understanding. I can understand your not being ready for the responsibility of a nephew with autism. There are some obvious missing facts. Did you know that he would be a handful. Why didn't you child-proof better? Did you truly hear your sister when she needed support or someone to listen? Or did you say or think, " well I am sure it is not as bad as she (sister) says". Ignorance doesn't mean stupidity. Obviously you have some guilt about your response.
When I cried to my sister (after the diagnosis DD) she declined to believe my son was developmently delayed (she is an RN too) and even when he was later diagnosed with autism. Once she told me to pull it together when I cried. It is sad and painful to watch your child and know that they may never be fully independent and need help for the rest of their and your life. Who will take care of my child when I die can became a consuming thought of mine. It took years and I felt alone when it came to support of my family and their ignorance.
All I wanted was to have someone listen and let me cry or talk. The real understanding has come from other parents with children of disabilities. I still have my ups and downs. Birthdays are a mixed blessing for me. My son is 14, but functions as a 3-5 year old. The gap is growing. Instead of thinking of 5 and 20 years from now, I take each day as it comes and know tomorrow may be better if today is not.
Saying sorry will help. Listening would be better. Educating yourself via Autism Speaks even better. Offer to babysit a few hours once every month or two at her place, if you live close by. Do not offer advise, or tell her of all the great treatments out there. She already knows or tried some of them. (My sister has never apologized and it hurts to remember her responses. I try to forget. I think my sister is trying to understand now.)
You will never fully understand, but maybe you can understand partially.
I do have to say that I agree with nfsdriver01 although I do understand people's not understanding autism or most disabililties in general...I am a parent of a child with autism and it is a 24 hour a day 7 day a week job in itself. I don't think anyone can understand what we go through, I know till my son starting having his issues at age 1, I never truly understood. I worked in the medical field for 10 years and then became a teacher of children and I still didn't truly understand till I had my youngest son. I have learned a lot in the last 3 years and will never ever look at another special needs child the same again, no matter what the disability. What you don't understand about your sisters life is that she's brough to her brink more times than you can even imagine...you were driven insane in what, less than 3 days? Imagine what life must be like for her, worst yet, think about having to go through raising a special needs child day in and day out, never a break and then having your family critize you and show no support (not to mention open her up to public scrutiny such as this display I've seen). Think about how alone you'd feel...and then know what ever you "thought" about that lonliness was probably not even the half of it. But you know what, despite all the challenges of raising a child with autism we parents get up every day and we face what we have to, we fight for their services, deal with the dirty looks and yes the talking behind our backs, and sometimes to our faces we do it for our children. I'm lucky as I have an incredible husband and a great extended family that emotionally supports me and my family. They tell me over and over how great I'm doing and how wonderful of a parent I am but you know what? you never truly feel that way cause you always wish there was something you can do more, with each time my son reacts "differently" to an everyday situation I wish I could do something to change that. Don't think for a second we don't hear the parents that say things thinking your child is just a bad kid and needs more disapline. Do you know how it feels to have to over and over again explain to complete strangers that no really he's not bad, he's autistic? At times you just feel like giving up but you know you can't and with each explaination you give to those strangers you hope for just a second that maybe you've just educated someone so that they don't again hurt some poor parent who is trying their best to cope with a situation that brings them to their knees on an almost daily basis.
I think autism is one of the most difficult disorders because the kids look "normal" opening them up to scruntiny from the ignorance of others. As a parent this is crushing because all we want to do is protect our kids. We know it is not their fault. Fact is that this is a disorder that alters how they see, how they hear, how they smell, how they touch, and how they interact. We can not even fathom what these kids go through just to get through the daily things we all must face each day. I read a blog written by an autistic teenager and someone asked her "why is it that people with autism don't look people in the eyes?" and she said "because we don't see things like you do, when we focus on certain things it's like million of flashing lights going off in our eyes, we have to look away or we'd go insane, that's why we start humming or doing something repetative to distract from the flashing". It made me for the first time see things through my son's eyes, and things started to make sense. My son is only 4, he's been reading since 3....he can spell words like spectacular and exhuberant....yet he can't stop tapping on anything that makes a noise. It's a strange disorder and I know it's hard for all of us without it to understand yet I try to each and every day of my life. I will never stop trying. I was always the one that used to say that i could "never deal with raising a child with a severe disability, I don't know how people do it" but you know I was wrong. I learned more about myself and life in 4 years of raising a special needs child, than I ever did in the 30+ years prior. I've also learned a lot about others, some good, some bad. I apologize about going on and on but as you see, this is my life...like your sister, I didn't choose it, it chose me.
but back to your question....You asked if you were wrong to ask your sister to leave...my guess is that you wouldn't be asking others if you thought in your heart you were right. I guess you should ask yourself how would you have wanted your sister to have treated you if your situations were reversed?
Relax its just a part of autism.. sit her down and explain the dangers of swinging like a monkey... tell her they have playgrounds and gym classes for that kind of behavior.
Be wary on meds as some can cause dangerous side effects.;
I too have wild and weird autism stories, I once ate grass like a cow in the neighbors lawn. got the cops involved and reached for their gun- hay I thought it was a toy.lol
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Support for a parent of a child with autism or special needs
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