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Hi everyone, I'm new at this so please excuse my mistakes. I am a step mom who entered into this marriage with a stepson and a 2 year old step daughter. From the start I could tell something was different about her. I felt she lacked feelings in general. She showed no remorse for her mistakes. She was manipulative at a young age. She was cold to others and showed no feelings or sympathy for other. She came to live with us at the age of 11. She was fighting with her mom. We tried to give her a stable structured home. Tried to have family activities with her. She turned on us almost immediately. The most difficult time was during her teens. She targeted me. She stole clothing, makeup, jewelry and an assortment of small items. She was getting into trouble in school with other girls. She went to 3 different schools and told us she was being bullied. I tend to believe she was the bully. She would throw away eating utensils and coffee travel mugs(mine). I found myself outside digging through the garbage to retrieve them. We took her to a psychologist and received a dx of RAD. She went to many other counselors but does not use the tools she was given.
My husband and I have a daughter together who is 10 years younger than her. I have never trusted my step daughter alone with her. My step daughter would throw away my daughter's toys. I observed her purposely running over my daughters toys with vacuum cleaner and lawnmower. My step daughter had a history of "cutting". We tried to remove all the razor blades but she purchased more. She swallowed a bottle of Ibuprophen late one night while at her mom's and her mom just brought her back to us to deal with. She is at college now. I do not want her to come back to the house even for a visit. My husband is in complete denial. I have given him information on the disorder but he believes she is now an adult and will grow out of it. We are near divorce. I fear her. I fear she may hurt me again or worse yet hurt my daughter.
Have you been in "family" counseling? If you want the family to stay together, you'll need a 3rd party like a psychologist to help you set boundaries for the stepdaughter if she must visit. With your husband in denial, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be "near divorce", I would move forward on it, and get your daughter out of the situation before it is too late.
I think it is going to be difficult to keep the stepdaughter from visiting. She sounds very dangerous. I would save myself and my daughter. It has always been my belief that my greatest loyalty had to be to my child which put my children before my husband when it came to keeping my children safe.
Sadly she has likely out grown it and grown into a personality disorder. Perhaps educate him on Borderline and that will help him. A diagnosis of RAD can be really hard on a parent because it is caused by something the parent did. Borderline is likely a similar cause (as well as genetics), but might be easier to swallow for him.
I want to say...if you do divorce, you might be in a position to less protect your younger daughter, as the father will have visitation. And you wont get a lot of say on who she sees then (unless you can prove abuse). Will your husband go to therapy with you? Can you be willing to, for the sake of your daughter and marriage, agree to some sort of compromise?
I imagine at this point you have some PTSD issues around your step daughter. It isn't easy to be targeted like that. Would you consider therapy for yourself?
We had a foster daughter who likely had attachment issues but developed into BPD in her teens. So I do get it...its so...there are no words. Luckily my husband was on the same boat and we told her she couldn't stay with us after she went off to college. I hate to say it, but I just was so glad when she moved out. I felt like I could have my home and my family back. I would have hated it if she would have been coming back.
Anyways, as people with BPD tend to do, she cut us out of her life because she felt rejected.
You might benefit by reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells", a book for family members of those with BPD. It is a very destructive disorder. However, the book does have several good suggestions about keeping conflicts from escalating.
It is common for kids with RAD to grow into adults with BPD, unless effective intervention occurs.
That said, those with untreated BPD do sometimes improve slightly and mellow somewhat as they age - or perhaps they just become more subtle. Cognitive behavior therapy is helpful, but the individual must admit that they have issues which need to be addressed, and many are very much in denial and place blame on those closest to them rather than accept it themselves, a form of projection.
I am sorry you are facing this situation, and hope you can continue to keep your daughter safe.
You might benefit by reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells", a book for family members of those with BPD. It is a very destructive disorder. However, the book does have several good suggestions about keeping conflicts from escalating.
It is common for kids with RAD to grow into adults with BPD, unless effective intervention occurs.
That said, those with untreated BPD do sometimes improve slightly and mellow somewhat as they age - or perhaps they just become more subtle. Cognitive behavior therapy is helpful, but the individual must admit that they have issues which need to be addressed, and many are very much in denial and place blame on those closest to them rather than accept it themselves, a form of projection.
I am sorry you are facing this situation, and hope you can continue to keep your daughter safe.
DPT is the gold standard for people with BPD. Usually they have to near master that before CBT can be effective at all.
I hope the college is in another state. Does the daughter live at home and commute locally?
If I were in your shoes. . . .
I'd get the locks changed on the house and limited number of keys made.
Make sure everyone living with you won't give a key to your problem step daughter.
I'd talk to the birth mom and compare notes, then bring her in to talk to your husband and you all can get on board. I wonder if she is as scared as you.
I'd also encourage the problem daughter to go away to college and stay there. Find friends to visit on holidays or stay on campus.
I'd also get on first name basis with her roommate and stay in touch. Ask for updates, the good and the bad.
It sounds like she has a lot of issues she hasn't resolved.
I also advocate for counseling. It can't hurt and only help.
Don't let her run you off -- I think that's been her goal all along.
I'd also give the younger daughter self defense lessons. She also needs to know her sister's behavior isn't normal and to talk with you and your husband about any problems with her. It'd be good to bring her into counseling and play act what to do if this happens and see if she can problem solve how to resolve it .. . Before it happens.
DPT is the gold standard for people with BPD. Usually they have to near master that before CBT can be effective at all.
Yes, I misspoke and intended to cite dialectical behavior therapy - is this what you mean by "DPT"?
BTW, DBT _is_ a form of CBT...(sorry for all the acronyms).
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