U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting > Special Needs Children
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Old 03-17-2009, 05:56 PM
5 posts, read 30,397 times
Reputation: 14


I have a 9 year old adopted daughter who's manipulative, lying, eating non-food items, destroying property constantly and very hard to handle.
She's been labelled with global developmental delay ( a catch-all for we don't know what's wrong) dyspraxia, low IQ name it it was said or written about her.
At this age the tantrums have almost disappeared but the lying, stealing and refusal to work at school and home is becoming the biggest problem.
She's sneaky and must have the floor at all time, even though her speech is that of a 2 years old when she's around there's no taking the the floor she's loud and let's you know she's there.
we adopted her at 7 months old and it's been interesting to say the least, she's not completely unaffectionate but mostly demonstrate affection to Dad..Time-out, consequence directly related to behaviours, explanation, camera in her room and constant supervision is never enough..
I'm seen as the enforcer, Cruella Deville or wicked stepmother who can't relax and have come to withdraw and basically have a hard time dealing with her parenting. I'm her best advocate for getting services and providing her with support but emotionally scarred and scared in my dealing with her..Too many specialists and opinions that changes like the weather, too many scowling looks from people that don't live with her too much judgment from others and frankly not looking forward to teen years..she's 9 and just started applying basic hygiene rules I'm thinking menstruation and WOW !!!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

Old 03-18-2009, 04:57 AM
14 posts, read 81,421 times
Reputation: 17
RAD may be part of her issue, but honestly it sounds as if her more predominant issues are developmental with those diagnosises. It makes it very difficult for the maternal care giver when there are RAD issues. I would think especially so when the child has other exceptional needs. I wish I had something to help. As small as it is, the one thing that I can suggest is to speak to your MD about treatment to prevent her from starting menstruation. In some cases docors will prescribe medication in situations where the child is developmentally unable to understand or deal with the process (i.e. hygiene).
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-18-2009, 11:31 AM
4 posts, read 57,056 times
Reputation: 24
I agree, do not adopt RAD child(ren) unless you: 1) love challenges (take rejection well & never give up), 2) are detail oriented, 3) like structure, 4) are financially strong, 5) are well supported emotionally, 6) are physically strong, 7) are a quick thinker, 8) have flexible & understanding employment, 9) are good at research & 10) don't mind everyone knowing your business because you will have to let all other adults, in your child's life, know what is going on at home in order to prevent manipulation, reports to Children Protective Services, etc. Once you adopt RAD child(ren), you probably will not adopt again - it is too hard & there is a danger of bringing younger children into the home with a RAD child. To me, the families that only have a RAD child(ren), miss what 'normal' parenting feels like. We have two 'normal' teenage daughters, and they are a breeze compared to our RAD son. For those up to the task, you will learn a lot about yourself and the world. Good Luck with your journey. I wish everyone the best.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-02-2009, 10:13 AM
Location: Aberdeen
172 posts, read 268,104 times
Reputation: 385
I have just plowed my way through all of the posts and notice that your last post was October 2008. Are you still checking this forum? I am very curious to know how things have turned out in your case. How is the baby? Were you able to get your step-son placed elsewhere?

Parents of RAD children are so abused on all fronts. It is so sad. Why is it that I could explain how one adult abused or manipulated another and I would be believed, my word would even have standing as a witness in court... but if I were to say the very same things concerning a childs conduct, I am the liar and am now suspect?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-02-2009, 03:21 PM
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,906 posts, read 36,209,043 times
Reputation: 42502
My heart goes out to the parents and caregivers of kids with RAD. That must be so hard. My daughter can be a handful, but nothing like what these parents go through.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-02-2009, 05:34 PM
5 posts, read 30,397 times
Reputation: 14
I just finished reading Parenting the poorly attached child..and in the back of the book she fitted 15 out of 18 characteristics...while diagnosis was never made it's been mentioned by the OT and while my family doctor is not involved since he doesn't even apply a modicum of yearly check-up due to the shortage here, We're on own since health wise she check-out...in their view digging deeper is too much....frankly knowing the health is ok made me navigate the rest on my own..I got her a behaviour therapist, got her and OT , got her a teacher aids...etc now if I could get her a Mom that shoulders this and accept it I'd be doing better acceptance is key but I'm still trying to fix her...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-03-2009, 09:25 AM
Location: Aberdeen
172 posts, read 268,104 times
Reputation: 385
I would like to share some of the things we have learned along this rollercoaster ride of living with a child with attachment disorder.

1.) Educate yourself - No one is better prepared to handle this than you are as the parent. No one else, Doctor, therapist, teachers, etc. are going to be more dedicated and have the time to spend helping your child. There are many good resources. I highly recommend Nancy Thomas's material. She has a great web page (Attachment Disorder | Nancy Thomas Parenting | Attachment.org | Reactive Attachment Disorder) where you can buy her books and videos, find a patient-referenced therapist in your area. If you know of a good therapist in your area, recommend them here! There are also links to other pages and loads of information on the Parenting tab.

2.) Do NOT seek support/sympathy from family and friends unless they have directly observed your childs behavior. No matter how much you try to explain, they simply won't believe you. Get your support from other parents dealing with attachment issues or forums such as this.

3.) Take care of your own mental and emotional health. I now take the kids (all of them) at least two nights a week to give my wife down time. She desperately needs it. This is not as good as respite care, it would be better if we could breath easier as a family, but we have not found anyone able to provide respite who is really informed. You will have to be creative to try and keep your sanity and recharge your spirit.

4.) Protect the rest of the family. PUT AN ALARM ON THE CHILDS DOOR! I cannot stress this enough. If they are old enough to reach it, you might consider putting one on the window as well. An alarm doesn't have to be a fancy, expensive electric affair that the child can break and destroy. The best method we have found is a glass jar with some nuts and bolts in it. The jar sits on a step-stool in the hall and I tie a string from the jar to the door-knob. If he opens the door, the jar falls to the floor (without breaking) and makes a bunch of noise waking me up. I started using the alarm simply because Nancy Thomas recommended it. I didn't see the need. After using it, we discovered that our child had been regularly waking in the middle of the night and stealing candy from the kitchen. Now I wonder what else has he been doing? Has he molested the girls in their sleep? I will never know, but they are protected now.

5.) Find humor. Seek it out! Get old Don Knots or Jerry Lewis movies. There are several scenes in "The Apple Dumpling Gang" that ALWAYS make me laugh. Modern comedies might get a chuckle the first time, but then loose their humor for me. Don Knots is always funny (IMHO). But for every moment of tears, stress, worry and guilt you really need to heal with laughter, hugs from healthy family, positive throughs.

6.) Remember that this child is sick. It isn't personal, even though it feels like it. Even though they might personaly attack you, physically or emotionaly, it isn't personal. This is all the child knows, and it isn't your fault. All you can do is try to fix the problem. It is now our job to help the child heal. It will be VERY hard because it is so different than normal parenting and requires so much more energy. But for the childs sake, for the families sake, and for societies sake, you have got to try and heal them. And just as a parent doesn't actually notice the rapid growth of a baby, you will often feel as though you aren't getting anywhere... but DON'T QUIT! Keep going and have confidence in what you are doing.

7.) Husbands... wake up! Stop thinking this isn't really a problem. These kids really can be like that. You trusted your wife's judgement enough to marry her, trust her now and give her the benefit of the doubt. She needs your support now more than ever because all this childs rage is going to be directed at her. If you love your wife, support and protect her. It took me two plus years to finally believe and understand what my wife had been telling me all along. This is a real condition and believe it or not, a child as young as three CAN manipulate adults, CAN be raging inside to the point of wanting to kill and you will never know it.

8.) Don't be snowed by this child! They will pretend to "not understand", "can't read that word", "I can't remember", "I didn't hear you" just to control you. These kids are masters at playing dumb when in fact they have an INCREDIBLE attention to detail and are very intelligent.

I hope that someone can benefit from this advice. If anyone else has something to add, please share! We all need as much help as we can get. God bless you all and I pray that he will grant you strength and patience through this ordeal.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-08-2009, 08:09 PM
2 posts, read 20,270 times
Reputation: 14
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-08-2009, 08:17 PM
2 posts, read 20,270 times
Reputation: 14
My step son sounds just like your daughter. You are not alone. There is no cure. Teachers and CPS and the courts, etc. will not listen. Best thing to do is to try to cut your losses and get on with your life. The "professionals" have no idea how dangerous children without a conscience are. These are dangerous sociopaths. My stepson has convinced everyone he is simply misunderstood by his "abusive parents' not withstanding the fact that he is a doper, has burglarized our house at least 15 times that we know about for sure. Assaulted me and his mother repeatedly and chased his sister out of the house with a butcher knife. Puberty will be a real treat for you. They go off like a bomb when puberty hits. Best thing to do is try to educate the officials in your county. We live in Monterey County, California and they simply don't want to hear anything about Reactive Attachment Disorder. We are currently being prosecuted for being "verbally and emotionally abusive" whatever that means. I guess we must have yelled at him to stop while he was attacking us. Good Luck.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-08-2009, 08:52 PM
48,516 posts, read 83,700,460 times
Reputation: 18036
I had never heard of this disorder. Sounds like sociopathic behavior to me.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.

Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting > Special Needs Children
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top