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Well, the school is completely clueless. For two years, I have attempted to involve the school with this issue, and even though he has stolen from every teacher he has had, has been banned from going to the bathroom himself because other kids have complained that he stares at them while they go to the bathroom, and even goes to the extent of crawling under the stales to stare, and has been a constant disruption in class, we have been told that there's not much they can do because he's not the kind of kid that's in the office every day. They wish to keep our problems "at home". We've requested that he be put in a class for children with behavior issues and have been denied.
This year, we have warned them regarding his sexual behavior and they have promised to "keep an eye on him". School only started this past Friday, so we'll see how serious they take this. To me, it's extremely serious, but we get shunned by the school constantly.
He has been in therapy for over a year. We tried traditional therapy which didn't work at all. He now has a psychiatrist, who has warned us about his potential to harm myself and my daughters, and the baby and he has a psychologist who has tried play therapy with him. She has told us that he is extremely severely disturbed with no emotion, and she too has told us that we need to keep ourselves safe and is supporting us with our effort to put him in a PMIC care facility.
I can in no way feel comfortable about letting him around my two girls that I have now, let alone the baby when it arrives. I fear that this is going to be the end of my marriage. My husband carries a lot of guilt for what my step-son's biological mother's treatment of him. He's got my husband snowed. My step-son has even told me that I should put the baby up in our attic (which is unfinished) right after he commented that if the baby were to go up there that it could get hurt. My step-son has also told me he has thought about killing the baby. When my husband asked him about it right after, he denied saying that and stated that he wouldn't even know how to ever hurt someone". This is pulling my husband both ways, but I can't take the chance of letting my other children get hurt.
My girls are already suffering emotionally. My 6 year old doesn't sleep through the night. She cries in her sleep, and has started wetting her bed again. My step-son has scared her so bad to the point of the last time he was here, she stood in our hallway and just wet herself while she was crying. My 4 year old has also regressed to wetting her bed and has become extremely clingy. She's lost a lot of her independance that she created for herself. She won't venture to play with other kids and she won't even take a step into my step-son's room while he isn't there.
I pray that this facility will be the answer to our prayers. I know there is no cure, but our family needs mending with or without my step-son involved.
Nykkeesix
Last edited by nykkeesix; 08-09-2008 at 07:11 PM..
Please, please, please read the book by Nancy L. Thomas called When Love is Not Enough. That book has saved my life with my son! There are set backs, but for the most, it works!
Another book is Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control. Play therepy is useless and your child needs a RAD trained therapist!
You will learn that their brains don't work normally and these RAD kids cannot help it even though they are very bright.
Go online to Loveandlogic.com and get the book by Nancy L. Thomas and her CD set.
I am seeing progress, even through the set backs. Vacation set us back big time, but he is already responding once again.
You'll find that many RAD kids are misdiagnosed with ADHD. Not saying your son does not have it, but maybe he doesn't.
I make my son have cuddle time with me, which he rejects in many forms. He says I am hurting him, he burps, has gas, whatever it takes to try to drive me away. I am just working my way up from 1 minute to 7 minutes...right now we are at 5...most of the time. Keep "calm" eyes and loving eyes at all times. It's HARD as hell, but try it. Just read the books I listed above and you and your hubby try to take a course in Love and Logic (Positive parenting). It has helping in so many ways for us! We incorporate both...mainly the RAD stuff we learned from Nancy L. Thomas.
Please email or post a blog if you have any questions on our progress with our son.
There is hope. It takes a long time, but there is hope. Don't give up on him and don't let hubby be "snowed" by him. That started to happen w/my hubby and now he is working "with" me on this. You cannot let life stop just because of guilt. Move forward with healing your son.
I could go on and on (and did and the blog disappeared)...so now you are getting the Reader's Digest version.
Also keep in mind, you and your hubby need a night out, but your son will need to be watched by a trained RAD person. Find a local group and the RIGHT therapist! You also need a night out w/the girls or something. First rule is to take care of yourself!
Keep us posted. We all need each other!
Erica08
Thank you for your advice. It's definitely something we will look into. However, we do feel as though it is necessary to receive some excess help with regards to his sexual behavior and his threats to kill my unborn baby.
I'm not sure if you have read my previous post. In short, our psychiatrist has advised us that we are in a danger zone with him and it's not safe for him to be in our house.
I've spent many hours of my days trying to find the right help for him, and I won't stop until we do. I must consider the safety of my two daughters and myself since I am pregnant.
It's a hard situation, and I'm sure many, such as yourself can relate. We want whats best for our son, and we want whats best for the other children in the house, and it always seems so conflicting.
For now, safety reasons have kept him from our home, and we are currently in the process of finding a PMIC that can help a child like my son.
Thanks again for your well wishes and kind words. Please pray for us, as we will do the same for everyone on this sight.
i am at a crossroads with my son, yet again. i adopted him at aged 9 from russia. Little medical information, but hey, all went so wellwith my daughter's adoption, i decided to go for #2.
Well, what a journey the seven years has been-- He came in 'fight or flight', kicking, hitting, running away, hurrting my daughter, me, the dogs, stealing, lying about everything and anything. But so superficially charming with others, at least at first. spits on his wall, the floor, holes in walls, doors, broken things. No cause and effect thinking-- it is all everyone elses fault, always. Steals whatever he wants/manipulates, cheats.
He has a developmental delay, but not significant enough to get services; a bit of a hearing impairment with speech effects(the hearing aids became a weapon, and are long gone); add, conduct disorder, rad, loves the dangerous stuff, got into drugs this year, skips school a lot. Has a lot of anxiety about everything and his response is to run... he steals, lies, has made threats of serious harm against my daughter and myself, has broken into a neighbours house, lives a bit like a wild animal at times.
After a particularly aggressive incident i sought help with the ministry for children and families (in canada). That was about 3 years ago.
Recently after a stay at our children's hospital psych unit for a few days he went into care under a temporary agreement. They put him into an emergency shelter with street involved youth. He is not street involved, but gosh, he learned a lot of things there!! i insisted he be moved, he was to another emergency shelter which was better, then to a more permanent temporary placement, with a man who did not take him to psych appointments, cancelled his day program attendance, cancelled his vocational training appointment, took him out to eat every day, for every meal, smoked pot in the house, left him in the care of unapproved males.
Feeling my son was at risk, and certainly would worsen with NO structure in his life, i yanked him out of care. He has been home for 6 weeks, and oops, i forgot to lock my daughter's door, and what do you know, he has been through her room, and stolen her panties and money (previously he had stolen many items of lingerie and things of a sexual nature from me, and was using them/wearing them/ or whatever, but it ended with neighbours reporting him as he was doing/showing young kids something-- i never got the full report. But now i worry about his sexual perversions and whether my daughter or i are at risk (he is over 6 feet tall)
Anyways, i am now at the point of thinking what the hell did i do bringing him home-- my housing could be jeopardized, my daughter and dogs are stresed, i feel burnt out already. And school hasn't even started (oh yeah, he starts a new school coz the other school decided he needed to be away from the vulnerable kids he preys on). But he has all the people who work with him (social worker types) snowed coz they are out having fun, there are no demands on him, and he does ok. But as soon as he feels there are any rules (home or school, the charm evaporates.)
As long as i am doing whatever he wants, there is peace. But i have to work, and since he stole, i took his house key away. Now life is hell again.
i am paralyzed with despair. and feel like a nutcase.
thanks for listening. i just needed to vent a bit. And to applaud those of you who can find the strenght and courage to stick with it, and to commend thos of you who know when you have to let go. Because some people cannot live in families. hmmm
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You can PM me anytime , sharon (or anyone) . I have an almost nineteen year old daughter whom I adopted from Mexico. Although she had a brain tumor when she was eight, all was relatively all right until she hit puberty. She steals , lies . screams and has tantrums and I am afraid of her. She has been hospitalized . Takes meds.
Her friends (from her terrible school) all take drugs and so does she and becomes frantic when she can not find the money for them. I have to lock all my closets and put my nice things into friends' homes. I almost wish she would be arrested because at least I would have a breather.
In NY where I live I am fiscally responsible for her until she is twenty-one even if I leave the state . I can not wait. I loved my sparkly beautiful little girl so much, but this person is a stranger, a nightmare. I lock myself in my room . I am scared all the time. She is huge and I am tiny. I am so frightened.
Why can't anyone help people like us? I think it is presumed that it is somehow OUR fault. that's why. Sometimes I wonder myself.
__________________ ******************
People may not recall what you said to them, but they will always remember how you made them feel .
Last edited by nancy thereader; 08-22-2008 at 07:01 PM..
I'm really sorry about your situation. International adoption can be so tough because you don't always get "the full story" about the biological parents' mental health history, drug/alcohol use, or the true story about the child's care during his/her first year of life (SO critical to the ability to form secure attachments to parents and others).
I also don't know that much about the mental health system in Canada, so forgive me. Is there a system in place to get him qualified for residential/intensive care (out of the home)? If I read correctly, he is now 16 years old. Your description of his behavior does worry me; I don't know how old your daughter is, but I would definitely be concerned about her safety. Are there any programs for "sexually reactive" children nearby? Although he is not a "sexual predator," he is showing behavior that indicates he could be heading down that path.
Any respite care you can get would be helpful.
I hate the fact that parents who are willing to take in children from other countries often get more than they bargained for. You all are a very brave bunch of folks! We know that your heart is in the right place.
Well, the school is completely clueless. For two years, I have attempted to involve the school with this issue, and even though he has stolen from every teacher he has had, has been banned from going to the bathroom himself because other kids have complained that he stares at them while they go to the bathroom, and even goes to the extent of crawling under the stales to stare, and has been a constant disruption in class, we have been told that there's not much they can do because he's not the kind of kid that's in the office every day. They wish to keep our problems "at home". We've requested that he be put in a class for children with behavior issues and have been denied.
This year, we have warned them regarding his sexual behavior and they have promised to "keep an eye on him". School only started this past Friday, so we'll see how serious they take this. To me, it's extremely serious, but we get shunned by the school constantly.
He has been in therapy for over a year. We tried traditional therapy which didn't work at all. He now has a psychiatrist, who has warned us about his potential to harm myself and my daughters, and the baby and he has a psychologist who has tried play therapy with him. She has told us that he is extremely severely disturbed with no emotion, and she too has told us that we need to keep ourselves safe and is supporting us with our effort to put him in a PMIC care facility.
I can in no way feel comfortable about letting him around my two girls that I have now, let alone the baby when it arrives. I fear that this is going to be the end of my marriage. My husband carries a lot of guilt for what my step-son's biological mother's treatment of him. He's got my husband snowed. My step-son has even told me that I should put the baby up in our attic (which is unfinished) right after he commented that if the baby were to go up there that it could get hurt. My step-son has also told me he has thought about killing the baby. When my husband asked him about it right after, he denied saying that and stated that he wouldn't even know how to ever hurt someone". This is pulling my husband both ways, but I can't take the chance of letting my other children get hurt.
My girls are already suffering emotionally. My 6 year old doesn't sleep through the night. She cries in her sleep, and has started wetting her bed again. My step-son has scared her so bad to the point of the last time he was here, she stood in our hallway and just wet herself while she was crying. My 4 year old has also regressed to wetting her bed and has become extremely clingy. She's lost a lot of her independance that she created for herself. She won't venture to play with other kids and she won't even take a step into my step-son's room while he isn't there.
I pray that this facility will be the answer to our prayers. I know there is no cure, but our family needs mending with or without my step-son involved.
Nykkeesix
Nykkee - I think you are on the right path. This kid just can not be in your home, for the sake of your and your daughter's safety.
I wanted to bring something else up that is disturbing - perhaps you should get your daughters assessed to see if something has already happened to her. Bed wetting can be a sign of trauma.
As for your husband, well, he'd better come around! I would highly suggest therapy for him. His therapist should help him deal with his guilt (maybe he feels like he caused his son to be ill and now can't "abandon" him).
What a horrible situation and my heart truly goes out to you
I have a daughter, adopted from Ukraine at 9 years old. She has RAD, Disruptive Behavior Disorder, PTSD and Depressive Disorder. I've been working with her and a RAD therapist, but things are only getting worse. I'm starting the process to try to get social services. If things don't improve I would like to get her into a therapeutic school/ group home situation. She is a great kid in alot of ways, but her behavior has gotten so disruptive that I can barely work and she is abusive to her little sister.
This seems to be such an anxiety based disorder, but our therapist doesn't do medication. It seems like there should be something that they can do to alleviate her stress?
Thanks everyone for your posts of support. ITLCHICK:
With the utmost sadness I have ever experienced in my life - I am sorry to say that we have recently found out that the sexual abuse had been going on much longer than we anticipated. I am sickened, heart-broken...
When three PMIC facilities turned down my step-son due to his behavior (especially sexual) we decided to call DHS and request he be given a CHINA status (child in need of asssitance). He would be adjudicated (award of the court) and they would place him.
The social worker interviewed my step-son at school and he was more than forth-coming about his "activies" and thoughts. I actually threw up when she read back his interview with her.
He mentioned "games" he played with my 6 year old daughter, and mentioned my 4 year old as well. After my 4 year old pulling up her night gown and "poking at her private area" because "that's what her brother does", she says - we realized that this had been going on long before we ever suspected anything.
My 8 year old step-son literally gloated about his behavior, stating things about his sexual activity with my daughter, was forth-coming about his plans to "kill" my unborn child as soon as he finds the way he wants to do it, admitting that he always thinks about hitting me if he sees me.
As of last week, our psychologist and myself and husband have decided that the girls are not to see him under any circumstances. I've changed my daughters school. Poor thing, started a new school today and left all of her old friends behind.
After a session with my step-son's psychologist, she was pretty sure that my 6 year old had suffered much more than we thought. I sware I thought that when I saw the first signs of him acting inappropriate, I took measures. How will I ever forgive myself as a mother for my girls going through this.
Right now, we are awaiting his hearing for his adjudication. In the meantime, he lives with my husband's mother - who enables his behavior and doesn't think my step-son's behavior is "that bad". He makes things like torture chambers with his toys and guns...and he enjoys talking about and fantasizing about hurting myself, my unborn baby, and my girls.
My husband will go over a watch him when she can't, but I can't bring myself to look at him ,and under no circumstances will I have my girls around him.
I've told my husband that regardless of what happens in the future, I never can live with him again after what he has done. The scary part is, is that we don't know the full extent of what happened. I'm scared. I've heard enough, but I don't think that's everything that has come out.
I'm broken. I wake up in the middle of the night, I have nightmares about what they went through. Last night, I rocked myself to sleep on the edge of my bed. I went to bed crying - I woke up crying. I cry at the first thought of it. I have to walk out of the room sometimes, because I feel so bad when I look at my daughters. Will they ever forgive me? I don't think I can ever forgive myself.
My husband and I seem to be on the same page now, although I'm angry. I'm furious, I'm totally consumed with anger about what happened to my girls. I feel like the worst mother in the world.
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4 months pregnant with rad step son
4 1/2 month pregnant Mom needs help
