RAD - Parenting & Therapeutic Techniques That Work (therapy, child, kids)

[Bossco]

I was hoping we can start a thread where anyone with experience in parenting/healing a RAD child can leave tips, "how-to's", and HOPE. I have started reading books on this and will leave different quote's that may also be helpful as I run across them.

I have read LOADS of threads in different forums with stories about all the bad sides of RAD without leaving any thing positive and I hope this thread WON'T become one of those. I'm very sympathetic to those who are frustrated (truly) but I need idea's and motivation and those threads with nothing positive to say depress me and give no help in working with our foster son.

I live in a state where there are hardly any therapist with RAD experience. The few who do, don't take foster children or kids under 3 - so I'm on my own here.

For the time, we are having lots of success with my current foster but certain triggers can bring it all crashing down around us again.

I also know of a very small handful of adoptive, or foster parents just struggling their way through this. I would love to give them more idea's that the few we've been able to use.

[Bossco]

A few things that have really helped us (in no particular order)....

1. He is always with me - with the exception of nap time and a morning quiet time (that he hasn't always been able to handle).
   
   - The behaviors I don't like are shut down immediately because I see them happening right away. If I didn't catch them so fast he gets a taste for them and it makes it harder to root out of him. The longer he has been with me the more I can trust him out of my sight.
   
   
2. I don't allow hardly any free time. The more free time mine gets the more he seems to want to dominate and control.
   
   - If I'm cleaning I give him a wet wipe or a duster and he loves it.
   
   - If I'm cooking I'll set him up at the table with some puzzles or coloring. If he was older I would have him helping.
   
   - If I'm at my computer I keep 3 different toy sets in the same room. He can play with one of them or do nothing at all. They are lego's, blocks, and bristle blocks. I don't mind if he brings a car or two in either.
   
   
3. I find that his attachment to my husband and I is greatly undermined when we leave him under someone else's authority. Even the few times when he *thought* someone else had authority over my husband and I has sent him into huge tailspins and behaviors. The times where it appeared as those someone had authority over us was during caseworker visits (again we're foster parents), riding lessons, etc...
   
   - I have found the leaving him in nursery, sunday school, and daycare just works miles against any progress I make at home. They generally have no control over him, only stop physical behaviors and punishments only come off as rewarding to him. One worker felt that a time out on the staff members lap would work and putting him in the corner was mean, the results were disasterous. I wish I didn't have to put him in the corner either but unfortunatelly no other type of time out is effective.
   
   
   
   
4. How to keep my sanity without respite or a babysitter....
   
   - Every morning after breakfast he has playtime in his room. This is when I love to read the paper, catch up online, bla bla bla. If he gets in trouble during this time, we use timeout. This is one of the few daily freetimes.
   
   - Naptime! http://www.fosterparents.com/CHAT/images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif (broken link) But even if he's too old for naps, he can spend time on his bed reading stories or books for an hour or two.
   
   - Family quiet time.... We TRY to spend an hour or so each night reading out of the bible, reading bible stories, or reading separately. Sometimes we read aloud, but the purpose of this when we started was to train the kids to sit quietly without being engaged by anyone, for church, waiting rooms, grocery shopping, etc. But we all do ittogether in the living room. Bummer part is that this 3rd option gets nixed more often that I'd care to admit.
   
   
5. To avoid the worst behaviors I keep a watchful eye on him and look for signs that his heart is changing from good to bad. He doesn't go from happy to hurricane in a second - it's a bit of a process in the middle. If I catch it early enough I can stop the hurricane.

I'm sure these won't work for every child or every parent but they are working great for us. I'll add more later tonight or tomorrow when I have the time. I REALLY hope others will leave some ideas as well. As well as these work for us I find the need for more in my arsenal all the time!

[IHOP]

I second everything Bossco said. We have also found these very same things to be the case.

1. I would also like to stress how extremely important it is for you to protect your reputation. No matter how much you may want to discuss your trial with friends and family... don't unless they have first hand experience with it and have seen it for what it is on their own. People on the outside simply refuse to believe that a child could be like that.

2. Please put an alarm on the childs bedroom door at night. It can be as simple as a bell or tin can filled with rocks to the door knob. What ever will wake you at night. You may be shocked to discover (as we did) that your child wakes at night and roams the house.

3. READ. Do lots of research. We really liked Nancy Thomas as she gives some real practical, usable advice. Her set of DVDs is even better but pricey. Once you are equipped, take confidence because you are the only one that can help this child get better. And you CAN help this child or God would not have put them in your life. It has been our experience that our change in parenting has had a far greater impact than the therapy ever could have. If anything, the therapy has helped us as parents because the therapist is constantly building us up.

After three months of changing our parenting and therapy we have started seeing moments of real emotion... real tears of sorrow and remorse, expressing anger with words instead of destruction, real happiness shining from the eyes! We still have a long way to go before that is the norm, but at least we have seen a change and have hope now. Don't give up! You can do this! May God bless us all.

[angelbear01]

Some of the books that have REALLY helped us:

-"Children: the Challenge" by Rudolf Dreikurs, MD (#1 on my list - must read!)
-"The Difficult Child" by Stanley Turecki, MD
-"Parenting with Love & Logic" by Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay

Another book I have read that has helped me learn to stay calm, have a lot more patience and stay in the present is "The Power of Now" by Ekhart Tolle. I have also been able to introduce some of the techniques to my son like meditation (he's only 7, but has been very receptive). I talk to my son about staying in the present moment (remaining focused) during simple tasks, such as brushing his teeth and doing his homework and believe or not IT HAS HELPED! Tolle's book is somewhat a difficult read, but if you remain open to new ideas you will definitely benefit. One final note on this book is that it has given me a greater appreciation for the teachings of God and has helped to improve my spirituality.

[angelbear01]

Check out this inspiring story:

Adopting the Emotionally and Behaviorally Challenged Child: Write a love letter to your child

[Bossco]

Originally Posted by IHOP

....
1. I would also like to stress how extremely important it is for you to protect your reputation. No matter how much you may want to discuss your trial with friends and family... don't unless they have first hand experience with it and have seen it for what it is on their own. People on the outside simply refuse to believe that a child could be like that.

Oh my how I wish this weren't true....

but it is. I love that you add this aspect too. It's a really good warning. I could go into how this is so true in our lives and I am actually super curious to hear your story IHOP but haha my story isn't positive or hopeful (in the least!), so I'll skip going into that further. Maybe one of these days we could swap stories in private messages.

[Bossco]

"At the end of temper tantrums, children relax. The barriers to attachment are lowered and a child is, for a brief period, open to developing trust for the available adult."

Quoted from "A Child's Journey Through Placement" written by Vera I. Fahlberg, M.D. (Chapter 1, part 5)

It's funny I thought I'd add this quote I read last night because it is exactly at this moment I am least likely to be thinking about attachment. You know after the tantrum, rage, meltdown, and after I've outlasted, held my ground and given the ensuing consequences for the behavior and however many minutes, or in some cases HOURS it took to get through that whole process - this is the moment I think "that was exhausting, I need a break" and look for a quiet place to retreat and relax for a sec, and simultaneously tell him to play in his room for a few. This does make some sense though. Looks like I'll be making a change in our routine the next time one of those tantrums come my way.