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Old 05-05-2008, 09:04 AM
769 posts, read 2,011,043 times
Reputation: 407


Share your funny vacation horror stories to American cities in this thread.

You know I like to bash certain American cities and towns with phrases like, "That place is a dump; that place is horrible; and that place is boring!" But optimistically those places must have something. Scranton is bad but it could get better if the residents had a better attitude. Detroit has potential, the people just need jobs. Buffalo, NY shouldn't be bulldozed entirely, it should just be reconstructed a little. And heck, even Salt Lake City has.....it has..........um......

Anyway, two American cities I have visited are definitely on my list of "Cities w/o Hope!" Phoenix, AZ and Dallas, Texas are those two. I've been to Dallas several times to visit relatives who live near Oak Lawn. My first time was a few years ago. I was unimpressed with that characterless city then as I was now. I noticed that despite the cowboys, good barbeque, and sunny weather, that place has little to offer. I remember being near Thanksgiving Square with my cousin wondering why Texans think such a boring city was so great when a couple of Texans showed up. As they walked past us they must have heard me mumble, "Dallas is dumb and boring!" They didn't hesitate to get into our faces.

"What did you say, you pigf--k?!" yelled one of them. (That is the first and only time I've ever been called that. "Dallas is boring? Dallas is great! Where do you come from?"

"I'm from Minneapolis," I replied.

"Minneapolis?" asked the other. "What dey got in Minneapolis?"

They didn't really wait for my reply they just blasted at me. Telling me how much Dallas was so great and why I was such a "Richard Simmons-lovin homosexual" because I didn't like Dallas. I'm not making this up!

A cop came eventually and broke up the argument. He sent asked what it was about and we told him. He eventually let the other two go, and even my cousin, but he kept me around to give me a lecture on why his crappy city was so great! I couldn't believe it. For almost an hour I was standing with some cop in Thanksgiving Square listening to him go on about Dull-as. If that wasn't bad enough another cop eventually strolled up to us and joined in on the conversation. This added another thirty minutes to the lecture. It was horrible. I was sweating, tired, and hungry beyond belief. It took me over an hour just to get away from them. And the funny thing about it was that those two cops were fat in an abnormal way. Texans have a weird way of getting fat. Those two cops had too much upper body fat compared to their lower bodies. They could have fed two starving villages in Ethiopia with their upper body fat alone. No joke!

After I left them the rest of the afternoon and most of the evening was uneventful. The city was dead on a Saturday. We drove around the place looking at things until we decided to park and walk to the West End. There we went to a stripclub. Only a few of the dancers impressed me. My brother bought me a dance with a stripper who stank so bad that I held my breath throughout the entire thing. I was turning purple. I thought employees were supposed to wash whenever they went back to work. Apparently she didn't know that. Her taco smelled like a moldy cabbage. After she was done I went back to the center stage and saw a stripper who was even worse. She had the meanest face I had ever seen on a stripper. She looked even more angry and hateful than the most notorious gangsta rappers. She would have put those dudes to shame with her stare. I looked around and wondered, "Is somebody holding her at gunpoint and making her dance? Why does she look so vicious?"

Only me and two other dudes were at center stage. It looked like all the other guys were afraid of her. But I felt sorry for her and threw a dollar onstage when she came over to me. She actually got made and said, "No, I'm not rubbing my **** on you for just a dollar."

"You're service is worth just a dollar," I said. "You're dancing is terrible. And you're stare is so vicious. Why are you mad?"

"I'm not mad. I just deserve more than this." And then she started giving me the third degree about how I was so horrible and junk. I couldn't believe she was chewing me out onstage, buttnaked, and calling me names. This was the worst customer service I had ever had! And then she said, "I oughta kick you in the head."

I got mad and said, "Hey, if it wasn't for me you wouldn't even have this job. You have zero talent. Even this you can't do right. I pay your bills. I can't believe you said you ought kick me in the head. B--ch, go kick a landmine!"

She actually started to cry and yell, "You don't have to be rude!" and then she ran to a nearby bouncer and started telling him about me and pointing at me. When he started to come over me and my cousin left the club. We went to a nearby bar and drank our drinks. I was fuming so I drank a lot! In no time I was tipsy on my feet, and I spotted what looked like a Kashardian broad. I laid down the lines, she laughed, took me back to her place, and I did my thing. When I woke up the next morning I saw the most horrible creature on Earth! God this woman was hideous! She was so godawful even Frankensteins monster would have been scared at the sight of her. "Raaaar, ugly chick! BAAAAAAAAAAAD!"

I left as quickly as I could, hoping I'd never see her again. But some months ago, when I went to the movies I saw her again. I'm almost positive I saw her as one of the monsters in the movie Cloverfield! Let me tell you, in order to get a real hottie Dullas you must be making some real bread. Dullas hotties are gold-diggers. If you don't have much dough then settle for a woman who is average at best.

I'm glad I left there as quickly as I did. I've been back a few times after that, hoping Dallas will change for the better but it is always an uneventful trip in that dry city.

So, what are your vacation horror stories to American cities and towns? Can you please tell them? I need a good laugh.

Next, I'll tell you my Phoenix AZ horror story.
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Old 05-05-2008, 01:22 PM
Location: Sacramento, CA
1,196 posts, read 4,340,426 times
Reputation: 606
LOL, cloverfield monster.
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Old 05-05-2008, 02:06 PM
Location: Middleton, Wisconsin
4,229 posts, read 15,407,876 times
Reputation: 2294
Wow! That's quite a story.
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Old 05-05-2008, 03:57 PM
Location: Phoenix metro
20,005 posts, read 69,400,887 times
Reputation: 10115
One of the weirdest stories Ive ever read.

Im outta here.
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Old 05-05-2008, 04:16 PM
Location: Zurich, Switzerland/ Piedmont, CA
32,345 posts, read 55,148,798 times
Reputation: 15415
What a bizarre story.

It seems the underlying theme was your bad attitude.
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Old 05-05-2008, 07:56 PM
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
6,239 posts, read 15,443,702 times
Reputation: 8108
Wow, I can't imagine why anyone would get so upset that you don't like their city! Rather than focus on what's wrong with the places you've visited, why don't you focus on what's right about them? Very few cities have no redeeming qualities whatsoever! Besides, to me, your story wasn't funny. It was rather cruel, and also sad.
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Old 07-11-2008, 09:27 AM
3 posts, read 10,935 times
Reputation: 10
Default 0_0

oh wow thats is quite a story.
you should go on this site.
& tell everyone about why they shouldnt go there,
i certainly dont want to visit there! haha :]

just copy and paste the link in your browser
its a cool site where you tell people how much a place you went to sucked ;]
http://dontgothere.org/submit-a-place-not-to-visit (broken link)
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Old 07-11-2008, 10:24 AM
Location: Phoenix metro
20,005 posts, read 69,400,887 times
Reputation: 10115
My American vacation horror story?

Taking an non air-conditioned truck to Phoenix in June. That was a whole lotta fun, driving in a truck that was 130 degrees inside, even with the windows down. Even better is when I got a ticket for "following too closely" (way to single out out of state plates there, AZ!) by some flakey, fat, dyed blond haired state patrol cop.
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Old 07-11-2008, 11:02 AM
Location: In a delirium
2,588 posts, read 4,943,557 times
Reputation: 1379
It was horrible! Our trip started in Portland, Oregon. We loaded up the Honda Element with our 6-month-old boxer puppy and bags, and drove eastward to Atlanta for a funeral. At first, things were okay. But, we had to stop for the night somewhere near Salt Lake City. We were prepared to deal with the icky hotel rooms that smelled of smoke. We had no warning of this trip and we had to bring the puppy. It was understandable that the lodging wouldn't be stellar. What we weren't prepared for was what happened the next morning. Brace yourselves. We ... couldn't ... find ... a ... Starbucks! I know, it's amazing I lived to tell this story.

From there, it only got worse and we had to make peace with gas station coffee. Even the puppy felt bad for us and went on a hunger strike. For days, we had to subsist on sub-par gas station coffee and we drove as quickly as we could. But, finally, one morning, as we neared the suburbs of Atlanta, we stopped to get gas. We were cranky and groggy with nothing but the lowest of expectations. After all, not only is Atlanta the east coast, but it just might be the meanest city in the nation. I went in to pay and get our coffee. We shuddered before taking our first sips, but then the skies opened up and became bright blue. Butterflies suddenly appeared. Birds sang out in rapture. The gas station coffee was actually rocking good.
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Old 07-11-2008, 11:18 AM
Location: The Big D
14,874 posts, read 37,253,110 times
Reputation: 5787
Originally Posted by What! View Post
Dallas....... park and walk to the West End. There we went to a stripclub. Only a few of the dancers impressed me. My brother bought me a dance with a stripper who stank so bad that I held my breath throughout the entire thing.

LOL!!!! This all is just WAY TOO FUNNY!!! Please stop. It makes my sides hurt from laughing so hard. I just love it when people try to make up stuff like this. LOL!!! Thanks for the good laughs.

And the name of this strip club was?????? Why I ask? Because there are NO strip clubs IN the West End . Everyone IN Dallas knows THAT. There is not much of anything left down in the West End as a matter of fact. Much of what was there has moved across the highway over around Victory Plaza and the AAC and there is nary of a strip club there either.

Maybe others that have never been to Dallas will believe you but those of us that KNOW the city much better won't.

BTW, did the Dallas PD have you in handcuffs to PREVENT you from walking away??? You stayed there on your own free will for over an hour because YOU wanted to. If this is even true which I highly doubt it is.
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