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Old 05-01-2009, 08:22 AM
 
Location: Arizona, The American Southwest
51,816 posts, read 29,893,956 times
Reputation: 90870

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All too rarely, airline pilots and attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane".

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!".

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his aircraft into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
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Old 05-01-2009, 09:56 AM
 
Location: SW France
14,249 posts, read 14,137,087 times
Reputation: 27914
Absolutely loved them!

Don't know which was best, they're so good!
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Old 05-01-2009, 10:39 AM
 
Location: Beautiful Pennsylvania / Dull Germany
2,214 posts, read 2,632,057 times
Reputation: 2090
Very funny

I also love George Carlin's Airline Announcements
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Old 05-01-2009, 07:58 PM
 
Location: Haymarket, Va
621 posts, read 2,926,525 times
Reputation: 390
Hilarious!
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Old 05-02-2009, 07:39 AM
 
Location: Arizona, The American Southwest
51,816 posts, read 29,893,956 times
Reputation: 90870
At 36,000 feet going over 500 knots (540 MPH) when the captain or the first officer come on the aircraft's PA system, the last thing you want to hear one of those guys is accidentally saying is "Oooops... I think we're in trouble"..
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Old 05-02-2009, 04:16 PM
 
Location: Colorado (PA at heart)
8,904 posts, read 13,655,028 times
Reputation: 11540
When I was flying on RyanAir or easyJet, can't remember which one... but when we landed one of the flight attendants said something along the lines of "Thank you for flying with us, we hope you have enjoyed the flight and if you haven't, please tell your friends you flew with a different airline."
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Old 05-05-2009, 02:32 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
266 posts, read 492,568 times
Reputation: 116
Those were very funny!
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Old 05-05-2009, 11:57 PM
 
Location: Way on the outskirts of LA LA land.
3,040 posts, read 10,446,359 times
Reputation: 1927
Waaaaay back in the 70's I was on a TWA L-1011, flying from Philadelphia to Los Angeles. When we landed in L.A., it was a rather hard landing, causing the aircraft to bounce quite a distance before touching down again. The captain then got on the P.A. and nonchalantly addressed the passengers with something along these lines, "Ladies and Gentlemen, in case didn't notice, we just touched down in Los Angeles."
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Old 05-06-2009, 12:23 AM
 
Location: Way up north :-)
3,031 posts, read 5,297,594 times
Reputation: 2918
We flew with Delta, they have 'zone numbers' which are called out when boarding. So the announcement went something like "good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, all passengers holding a ticket for zones 1 and 2 may now board."
After a bit this was repeated with 'zones 3 and 4'.
The next announcement "...all passengers with zones 5 to - oh what the heck, everybody just get on the plane!".
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Old 06-05-2009, 09:52 PM
 
Location: Airports all over the world
6,153 posts, read 6,322,548 times
Reputation: 100635
While taxing to the gate in Anchorage, over the p.a. came the following...Passengers continuing to Seattle may want to get off and grab a bite to eat as we are not going to feed you.

Heard during the safety briefing...In the event the flight turns into a cruise the seat cushions can be used as floatation devices
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