U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > True Crime
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 01-08-2012, 10:42 PM
 
9,912 posts, read 9,304,041 times
Reputation: 8053

Advertisements

I did volunteer work at a abused and battered women's shelter. This was a connected shelter and we did offer relocation to other states where they were assisted with housing, daycare and work. We accepted women from other areas that we helped.

I have seen women with broken noses, teeth knocked out, legs broken, arms broken, black eyes, crying and terrorized little children. The facility provided medical when needed, transportation, counseling and we had people that manned the telephones 24/7.

Ninety nine percent of the women that walked through the door ... returned to the abusive situation. I understand it well ... they entered in pain and tears with screaming babies and children hanging onto their legs. They healed and would talk the talk of independence and leaving but only a few would follow through. Others resorted to the ... I love him!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-08-2012, 11:33 PM
 
18,852 posts, read 31,717,452 times
Reputation: 26118
I don't like "blaming" victims. But in DV, I have to admit, that even though I understand Dependent Personality Disorders, or whatever makes a victim stay with an abuser, I still think that abusers start with small control issues, and just keep pushing, and escalating.

What I don't like about the women I have worked with in DV situations, is that they want to not accept any personal responsibility for the situation they are in, and they say they want all this help, then, a few days, or weeks later, they go back to the same situation. It is crazy, and I don't get it. These were women who were in a safe shelter. With tons of childcare, free counseling, all types of assistance, free legal aid to file for divorce, protective orders, it was a large, clean, nice place, bright, sunny, new, women were given their own room, large enough for them, and their kids, free meals. They did not have to pay. The only rule was they could not have the abuser on premises, or talk to the abuser after 6pm. And the women even broke those rules!!!! How difficult are those two rules?!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-09-2012, 09:00 AM
 
1,617 posts, read 2,465,687 times
Reputation: 1352
One comment is certainly true, the victim must have a plan, it may take some time preparing one, but a plan is vital and it is also a mechanism, as small as it is, to give the victim a little confidence that he/she is moving forward in a positive direction.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-09-2012, 11:30 AM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,085 posts, read 23,894,650 times
Reputation: 17987
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolinaWoman View Post
I did volunteer work at a abused and battered women's shelter. This was a connected shelter and we did offer relocation to other states where they were assisted with housing, daycare and work. We accepted women from other areas that we helped.

I have seen women with broken noses, teeth knocked out, legs broken, arms broken, black eyes, crying and terrorized little children. The facility provided medical when needed, transportation, counseling and we had people that manned the telephones 24/7.

Ninety nine percent of the women that walked through the door ... returned to the abusive situation. I understand it well ... they entered in pain and tears with screaming babies and children hanging onto their legs. They healed and would talk the talk of independence and leaving but only a few would follow through. Others resorted to the ... I love him!
I was relocated to one out of state. Theres not enough of the extended shelters, a shame there aren't more.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-09-2012, 11:49 AM
 
1,617 posts, read 2,465,687 times
Reputation: 1352
Virgode, you are absolutely correct, it is a shame that there are not enough extended shelters.

Many states, now, have a Safe At Home Program - in essence...a victim connects w/this program-service; the victim moves and only uses a specific PO Box in a specific town - that mail is retrieved by a small handful of people in this Program and they forward that mail to the specific physical address the v/s is at - all bills including but not limited to fuel, phone, mortgage/rent and drivers' licenses all reflect that PO box. It is a way of protecting that individual from a specific physical location being in a public records database, such as a property grand list, licenses, etc. Even bank statements are sent to that respective p.o. box.

When someone wants to find someone, there are many ways to do so, especially with public records - this is one additional mechanism used to protect someone.

On another note, I recall very vividly, my 'punishment' for obtaining a restraining order was an attempt to burn my house down, with me in it.

What some people do not realize, and certainly I did not either, initially, that when an order of protection is being prepared and brought to Court for a hearing, that initial hearing to receive a temporary RFA order, the copy of the order along with the affidavit [which has to be pretty specific and sometimes, unfortunatly, pretty graphic w/facts] must be served on the offender - gives the offender the right to be able to attend the hearing - and it also gives the offender the opportunity to read that affidavit - clearly, that affidavit is not warmly received by the offender, and frequently, that offender gets pretty upset with the victim for not only filing that document but including the situation[s] that have brought the case to the Court - and it can give that offender an additional amount of time to 'punish' that person for doing so.

All of this is scary.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-09-2012, 11:56 AM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,085 posts, read 23,894,650 times
Reputation: 17987
Quote:
Originally Posted by sugarmaple View Post
Virgode, you are absolutely correct, it is a shame that there are not enough extended shelters.

Many states, now, have a Safe At Home Program - in essence...a victim connects w/this program-service; the victim moves and only uses a specific PO Box in a specific town - that mail is retrieved by a small handful of people in this Program and they forward that mail to the specific physical address the v/s is at - all bills including but not limited to fuel, phone, mortgage/rent and drivers' licenses all reflect that PO box. It is a way of protecting that individual from a specific physical location being in a public records database, such as a property grand list, licenses, etc. Even bank statements are sent to that respective p.o. box.

When someone wants to find someone, there are many ways to do so, especially with public records - this is one additional mechanism used to protect someone.

On another note, I recall very vividly, my 'punishment' for obtaining a restraining order was an attempt to burn my house down, with me in it.

What some people do not realize, and certainly I did not either, initially, that when an order of protection is being prepared and brought to Court for a hearing, that initial hearing to receive a temporary RFA order, the copy of the order along with the affidavit [which has to be pretty specific and sometimes, unfortunatly, pretty graphic w/facts] must be served on the offender - gives the offender the right to be able to attend the hearing - and it also gives the offender the opportunity to read that affidavit - clearly, that affidavit is not warmly received by the offender, and frequently, that offender gets pretty upset with the victim for not only filing that document but including the situation[s] that have brought the case to the Court - and it can give that offender an additional amount of time to 'punish' that person for doing so.

All of this is scary.
You are aware he's a sociopath?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-09-2012, 12:48 PM
 
9,912 posts, read 9,304,041 times
Reputation: 8053
Quote:
Originally Posted by virgode View Post
I was relocated to one out of state. Theres not enough of the extended shelters, a shame there aren't more.
Just curious did that work out for you? We did the re-locations for very few and it was always such a secret operation I wondered if it ended well for the women.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-09-2012, 01:14 PM
 
1,617 posts, read 2,465,687 times
Reputation: 1352
Virgode, I certainly learned that he was/is a sociopath - and a very well dressed up and savvy one at that [smile]. I must admit it was way beyond my comprehension, still is actually, that someone can be that good at pretending, pretty amazing! And yup, very very scary!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-09-2012, 01:16 PM
 
1,617 posts, read 2,465,687 times
Reputation: 1352
CarolinaWoman - some do well; some finally begin to settle down, calm down and relatively relax in their surroundings; however, it can take, and frequently does take, a very very long time to stop looking over your shoulder even when intellectually you pretty much know you are finally safe and do not have to live in fear anymore. It truly takes a lot of reconditioning to learn to relax.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-09-2012, 01:25 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,085 posts, read 23,894,650 times
Reputation: 17987
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolinaWoman View Post
Just curious did that work out for you? We did the re-locations for very few and it was always such a secret operation I wondered if it ended well for the women.
Worked for me. Because these facilities are limited, they don't allow woman there to take up space. Curfews and monitoring are for protection of the participants. One woman had 5 children and disappeared for her drug habit. They didn't call DFS, but just put her and the kids out on the street. I thought it was an unprofessional way to handle the situation. I personally called another shelter to help make arrangements for the sake of the kids and drove them there myself. The shelter workers there knew that I had helped her and never said a word to me.

I have always wondered what happened with her situation.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > True Crime
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top