Do You Care For An Aging Parent? (Tulsa, Sand Springs: how much, attorneys)

[JimCarey]

My mother (20 yrs younger) is caring for my dad (85 yrs old). Most people would be in a nursing home at this age being cared for by people who do that for a living. She's trying to do it alone (it's just the 2 of them in their household). They may qualify for someone to come in P/T and assist, but she doesn't want that. Maybe she's making her own bed that way. In particular, incontinence is a frustration for her right now. Of course, it's not just caring for him, but watching him as he's now just a shell of his former self.

Any comments? Suggestions?

Thanks!
David

[flintysooner]

Originally Posted by JimCarey

My mother (20 yrs younger) is caring for my dad (85 yrs old). Most people would be in a nursing home at this age being cared for by people who do that for a living. She's trying to do it alone (it's just the 2 of them in their household). They may qualify for someone to come in P/T and assist, but she doesn't want that. Maybe she's making her own bed that way. In particular, incontinence is a frustration for her right now. Of course, it's not just caring for him, but watching him as he's now just a shell of his former self.

Any comments? Suggestions?

Thanks!
David

I was the principal caregiver for my parents for 9 years. My father suffered with Alzheimer's and my mother from Parkinson's and both had other things as well. I served them both until their separate deaths.

While I feel it was a great privilege to be able to serve my parents it was also easily the most difficult thing I've ever attempted and I could not have been much less qualified when I began.

Eventually I was forced to seek help but it would have been better if I had sought help much earlier.

Probably the most important thing in my opinion is to begin putting together a support group. In my case I began with an online caregiver list (this was before 2000). Just the fact that I found others who could understand my situation was a huge help but there was also a lot of practical advice.

Initially I had some time to read and was able to benefit from some of the titles recommended by my caregiver list.

Eventually I called the local Alzheimer's association office and a wonderful lady came to our home and spent several hours with me. She, and the association, proved very valuable to me. Mainly they were able to help me find other resources but the practical advice they offered for so many things was equally helpful.

Later I was able to hire a part time caregiver aide that allowed me a few hours a week to get away. My brother was able to help some and my adult children also became part of our team. I cannot stress how important it is to get some private time.

Hospice service came in the last year and that was truly a blessing.

I don't mean to convey that the work became easier because it did not. Nor did the responsibility I felt become less heavy. It was unbelievably stressful in every dimension.

Faith played a huge part for me.

I believe that one has to have some support to both effectively serve the patient and survive the experience.

My very best wishes to you, your mother, and your entire family.

[taurus430]

We are going through some challenging times with my Dad who is 97 yrs old. He lived alone in S Jersey since Mom passed away 6 yrs ago. He had meals on wheels, my Brother visited once a week and I lived further so I visted every other week. I use to cook at his place and stay over but it was easier to cook meals at home, freeze them in containers to bring to him. He was managing ok, I had all bills sent to my home so I did all the administrative work for him.
Then Hurricane Sandy struck. I picked him up the day before and got him out of there as his house is on the lagoon near the bay in S Jersey. He has a bit of a problem walking but the biggest issue is incontinence. He stayed with me for 3 weeks then went to my Brother's house since we had to leave town a few days. He can't return to his house since he got 2 1/2 ft water on the first floor so it's shot. While at my Brother's he had a problem breathing so My Brother took him to the hospital. He's now in rehab but we don't know what to do. He doesn't qualify for Medicaid (not poor), and is not rich to pay for a nursing home. I want to look into the Veterans home. I'm not sure what they charge but it's hard to give him the proper care he needs without professional help.

[flintysooner]

Originally Posted by taurus430

We are going through some challenging times with my Dad who is 97 yrs old. He lived alone in S Jersey since Mom passed away 6 yrs ago. He had meals on wheels, my Brother visited once a week and I lived further so I visted every other week. I use to cook at his place and stay over but it was easier to cook meals at home, freeze them in containers to bring to him. He was managing ok, I had all bills sent to my home so I did all the administrative work for him.
Then Hurricane Sandy struck. I picked him up the day before and got him out of there as his house is on the lagoon near the bay in S Jersey. He has a bit of a problem walking but the biggest issue is incontinence. He stayed with me for 3 weeks then went to my Brother's house since we had to leave town a few days. He can't return to his house since he got 2 1/2 ft water on the first floor so it's shot. While at my Brother's he had a problem breathing so My Brother took him to the hospital. He's now in rehab but we don't know what to do. He doesn't qualify for Medicaid (not poor), and is not rich to pay for a nursing home. I want to look into the Veterans home. I'm not sure what they charge but it's hard to give him the proper care he needs without professional help.

Please find someone to help you with the Medicaid option. There are attorneys who specialize in elder care and there generally are other state provided agencies that may help. You won't necessarily like what has to be done in order to qualify for Medicaid but you may find no other options. My cousins went through something similar with their father. And the Veterans Administration may very well be able to help you find resources. You just have to start working the phone and calling people. One person may not help but may give you another lead or two and you just keep calling and keeping a list for other contacts. It's like following a string that unwinds slowly and you will get so tired and depressed you'll want to quit but you can find help if you stay with it.

Truly sorry for all you're having to deal with.

[Okiegirlfriend]

My mom took care of dad at home until he died at 87. His quality of life had been going down since he hit 80 and had a ruptured ulcer. After he died, mom stayed in her house until she turned 90 and my brother decided she couldn't live alone. She really could have for a couple more years. She went into assisted living, then into my brother's home. She died there just before her 94th birthday. I spent the last 2 summers with mom before she sold her house. We had some great times! Once you take away their independence, they give up on living.

[Bill236c]

There is a forum for issues like this here on City-Data called Caregiving that may help.

http://www.city-data.com/forum/caregiving/

[JimCarey]

Thanks for your input, guys, and, yes, I will take in the CD "Caregiving" forum...

[rescuecaregiver]

Naturally, I recommend getting a caregiver and have many reasons why. You said one already...." incontinence is a frustration for her right now". I can truly understand and relate to that, but I can almost guarantee you that he feels the same way! Secondly, and most importantly, there is the risk of getting rashes, sores, skin infections, etc (Special care must be taken to keep the skin clean and dry).

I'm not sure what his physical and mental issues are but if she is frustrated, he is too and that doesn't help either of them. Here are some things I take into consideration that most family members don't. Taking these things into consideration will help with some of the stress that comes along with incontinence. How much water does he drink every day? What foods is he eating? Is the problem better or worse during the daytime or at night? Is it linked to a physical condition inability to move quickly? Is he upset by his incontinence? How many episodes does he have and in what time period? Does he understand the signal or urge to go or are they unaware of the need? Typically, if one is totally incontinent and unaware, you would want to monitor food and fluid intake and take him to the bathroom every two hours (approx) to avoid accidents and possible sores from forming.

Furthermore, it is important to remember that incontinence is not a disease, but rather a symptom of an underlying issue that has developed with the him.
If a medical condition is ruled out, the doctor may move on to other options like medications that treat the bladder’s urge to urinate or the frequency. If he has Dimentia or Alzheimer's, this is usually an inevitable stage and medications that treat incontinence interfere or counteract the medications that are also treating dementia.

Therefore, I suggest some of the following to help reduce some frustration and/or embarrasement for both of them. Adaptive clothing, replacing hard-to-manipulate buttons and snaps with velcro and zippers, disposable incontinence products (although, communicating the need for these products may be a challenge), adding a portable toilet chair to the room(s) where the he spends most of his time, balanced meals and snacks and a routine with these things.

A caregiver helps to reduce some of these frustrations that come along with incontinence which may also be a part of the overall cognitive decline.
There is probably much more that they she needs help with that a caregiver can provide to reduce some of the pressure. Compared with other solutions, a caregiver it is the most cost effective and comfortable method there is. His wife can spend quality time with him without worrying about caregiving responsibilites. I love the elderly and would love to help if they lived in my area. I believe they would both be happier if they had someone to care for him so they can enjoy each other more!

I know it's hard to open your home and allow someone to help, but I hope that this will help to be more open-minded about a caregiver. There are still some REALLY good, trustworthy, genuine and loving caregivers still out here. I'm one of them I wish them the best

[JimCarey]

keep abreast of any info sent to this Thread, and retain it. Again thank you very much. They live in west Tulsa, almost to Sand Springs, rescuecaregiver. Just FYI.