Moving in the UK, how to tell unhappy family (appointed, new house) - United Kingdom - City-Data Forum

clewsy01 · 11-25-2012, 09:50 AM

Hi, My wife and I have been offered a new house back where I am from in Stockport UK. We are currently living 171 miles from there near Newcastle which is where my wife is from and we want to accept this house we have been offered.

When we first mentioned the idea of moving back in June an horrendous row ensured from my wife's family, blaming me for the move when in reality we have 4 children, my wife has a severe disability and we need the extra support that my family in Stockport can provide as no support is given here. We raised this issue with my wife's family because where my wife's sister is concerned her mother does every thing for her and her 1 child and I mean everything. My wife feels very aggrieved by this and her disability has got so bad that I had to stop work to care for her needs and the needs of the children. The house we have been offered has adaptations to help her mobility.

The house move would not be until the 1st week of January, but my wife is scared of telling her family that we have agreed to this because of the fury and anger coming her way. I do understand but the way we have been treated since June I feel she should just get it out of the way, I have even considered emailing them, (as i am not welcome at anyone's home because it is my fault we want to move in their opinion)telling them what is going on and that they need to speak to my wife about it, as I dont feel she has the confidence to make the first move.

All we are going to get is the guilt trip etc and the why questions, but where we live, there is no train station, we live 25 miles from the nearest city or large conurbation, It takes an hour on a bus to get there, everything you do needs a car, the school has now been described as failing by OFSTED and the house we have been offered is next to an outstanding school and is in a very affluent area of stockport and 2 miles from manchester airport so is in a very good area.

To me this is an opportunity to good to turn down for my wife and my children, but i worry that her family will fear and guilt her into pulling out, any suggestions on how to sort this out, or how to go about telling people, as its nearly December so we are 6 weeks away from moving.

thanks

Jezer · 11-25-2012, 10:59 AM

The important thing is that you as a family stick by each other in your move to Stockport.

If the expected reaction from your wife's family is, as you say, fury and anger, then quite frankly you are better away from them.

You're still in the same Country and visits are not out of the question, and there is the phone.

I found that when we moved to the USA I chatted more to my mum than when I was an hour away in the UK!

Your first responsibility is to your own immediate family.

Good luck to you and focus on the positive things that lie ahead.

PA2UK · 11-26-2012, 03:40 AM

You have to do what is best for YOUR family (ie, your wife and kids) and if her family can't understand that, that's their problem. I realize that your wife has a physical disability but she's a grown adult - why is she "scared" of her family? She needs to stand up for herself and tell them "Do not blame my husband for this, we made this decision together and we made it for the good of our family. If you can't respect that, then you must not have very much respect for me either." Assuming, of course, that this is true. Your wife sounds submissive and you do need to be sure this is really what SHE wants, not just what you think would be best for everyone. Perhaps her family are used to having control over her because she is submissive and because of her disability but be careful that you have not gone down that path too and this just becomes a power struggle between you and them.

I had to tell my American family that I was moving from the US to the UK and I didn't even have any disability reasons! Was it hard? Yes. Were they disappointed and upset? Yes. But I told them and made it clear that this was my choice and they needed to respect that and they have. Stockport isn't THAT far from Newscastle - imagine being an ocean away! Time to give them some freaking perspective.

Cruithne · 11-26-2012, 03:20 PM

Totally agree with Jezer and PA2UK.
The distance in this day and age really isn't that far and if they are caring people they will drive that distance to visit. Its 3 hours at most.
I live 5000 miles from my family who I love dearly, but you know Skype is free and takes no time to set up. It really makes all the difference. My family accepted the move because they knew what a great opportunity it was.
Sorry to sound harsh but if they are going to give a disabled lady a hard time about doing what's best for her then quite honestly the further you are away from them the better. You'll probably find you are better off in more ways than you think.

sunshineleith · 11-27-2012, 10:16 AM

Family interference like this really gets my blood boiling.

Is this how families show "love"? By freaking out and trying to put guilt trips on people? Argh!

Well Clewsy, you and your wife BOTH need to put your foot down with the extended family and their opinions. Period.

I am assuming that neither you or your wife are 12-year olds? Right? Does her family realise this as well? It doesn't sound like it. You are adults, and you make decisions for yourselves and your children as adults of sound mind.

So if they start giving you grief stand up tall and say "We aren't asking for your permission - or your opinion for that matter! We are adults and have made this decision based on what is best for us and our children. We are just letting you know in advance in case you wanted to help us with packing."