[MissEJ]

I grew up in the Upper Valley area of Vermont and left in 1999 to go to nursing school in North Carolina. I met my husband here and we now have two daughters, one who is almost three and another who is 6 months old. We are comfortable here in North Carolina- it really is easier and cheaper and we bought a house here two years ago. But... the guilt and loneliness of being apart from my parents and the rest of my family, and the feeling that I am denying them the chance to see their grandchildren grow up is killing me. And I do miss the natural beauty of VT and the snow (at Christmas anyway!) I am just afraid that we won't be able to afford to live in VT. I don't want to work full time while my girls are tiny and there have been times that it has been tough for us to pay the bills even here so I am just afraid we might not be able to do it there. Does anyone have any words of wisdom My husband says he will support me if I decide that we should move back to VT but he is from El Salvador! He says he likes the snow when we visit in the winter but really, 5... or 6 months of it??? This has been eating away at me since our first daughter was born. And my mom says she'd be happy if she died in Vermont so my chances of convincing her to move here are slim. I'm looking for any & all advice you've got here...

[harry chickpea]

If you examine life closely, you may discover that your responsibility is towards yourself first, then your husband, and your kids. You have to be in good shape yourself before you can help and support others on an ongoing basis. You might be willing to die to save your child, but then that is the last thing you can do for them. Your kids have to depend on you for support until they are grown, and you are hopefully a team with your spouse.

If you don't have enough income to stretch a little where you live now, I don't understand how you think you would be able to make ends meet in Vermont, unless you had a job lined up for you AND your husband before you moved, and a place that fit within your budget. Reality has to fit in somewhere.

You can't make choices for your mother. She has experienced life longer than you, and has as much as said that her priority must be her life in Vermont instead of following your kids around as a grandmother figure. She may have very good reasons for that choice - doctors, paid-off house, supporting community, and/or a host of other reasons. Sometimes life works out that way. That isn't your responsibility.

You can set up videoconferencing so your kids and grandparents get to see as well as hear each other, you can push for a routine of emails or letters between them that the kids can keep and have as history later in life, you can work with your mother on a family history scrapbook or exploring family roots. You can put together a scrapbook for the children that you share on a regular basis with your mother. You can budget for one or two visits per year a lot more frugally than moving. You have other options than moving to a place where your financial survival might not happen.

Physical distance doesn't have to mean emotional distance. Some of the greatest poetry and prose was written by long-distance lovers. What long distance closeness takes is time, effort, and a consistency between the people communicating. You aren't the first to learn this. One of the common themes of the early industrial revolution in Vermont was daughters leaving the farm and going to work in the mills in Mass. and writing home weeekly to keep the family connections alive. You have a lot more options than them.

[Colomonter]

Originally Posted by harry chickpea

If you examine life closely, you may discover that your responsibility is towards yourself first, then your husband, and your kids. You have to be in good shape yourself before you can help and support others on an ongoing basis. You might be willing to die to save your child, but then that is the last thing you can do for them. Your kids have to depend on you for support until they are grown, and you are hopefully a team with your spouse.

If you don't have enough income to stretch a little where you live now, I don't understand how you think you would be able to make ends meet in Vermont, unless you had a job lined up for you AND your husband before you moved, and a place that fit within your budget. Reality has to fit in somewhere.

You can't make choices for your mother. She has experienced life longer than you, and has as much as said that her priority must be her life in Vermont instead of following your kids around as a grandmother figure. She may have very good reasons for that choice - doctors, paid-off house, supporting community, and/or a host of other reasons. Sometimes life works out that way. That isn't your responsibility.

You can set up videoconferencing so your kids and grandparents get to see as well as hear each other, you can push for a routine of emails or letters between them that the kids can keep and have as history later in life, you can work with your mother on a family history scrapbook or exploring family roots. You can put together a scrapbook for the children that you share on a regular basis with your mother. You can budget for one or two visits per year a lot more frugally than moving. You have other options than moving to a place where your financial survival might not happen.

Physical distance doesn't have to mean emotional distance. Some of the greatest poetry and prose was written by long-distance lovers. What long distance closeness takes is time, effort, and a consistency between the people communicating. You aren't the first to learn this. One of the common themes of the early industrial revolution in Vermont was daughters leaving the farm and going to work in the mills in Mass. and writing home weeekly to keep the family connections alive. You have a lot more options than them.

MissEJ the best advice that I can give you is to read this post by "harry chickpea"...and if you have read it once then read it again and again if necessary.

Harry, this post is one of the most well thought out, enlightening essays that I have read in this forum. It should be required reading for anyone contemplating giving up their established lives in one part of the country and moving back "home" to be closer to family.

Great job!!!

[square peg]

I wholeheartedly agree with that masterpiece of a post too.

[ab8mi]

What Harry said, that was great and pertains not just to VT but anywhere. Job well done harry.

[MissEJ]

Thank you for your reply, Harry. I know my decision is more of a personal struggle than a Vermont versus North Carolina issue. We would not be completely left to our own defenses in Vermont. My parents own a little land and would give us what we need to build a house (or a modular home). And my job here is a telecommuting nursing job so I could probably take that with me (although the pay scale would not be the same as what nurses are paid in VT.) My husband would have to look for a job, but he is in the restaurant management industry so that might be possible in the Lebanon, NH area which is close by. Anyway, thanks for your well-thought-out response to my ramblings. I am just afraid I have adapted to living here in NC and the thought of changing everything is huge.