cutting the cord? dealing w/leaving mom (Seattle, Poulsbo: home equity, home)

[pshinspections]

Not sure why you would want to live away from your parents. Are you not going to be there for them as they age? You cannot be there from a distance.

[allforcats]

BBC, remember: you are you, and others' opinions and emotions always express who they are, not who you are...

[bye bye cali]

You're right AFC but I'd like the chance to respond to the issue of being there for my parents. I've lived my entire adult life in the same town as my mother. I wanted to see more of the world but I just couldn't get past the "being there" for my mother. My husband's family also lives in the same town. (monterey peninsula VERYexpensive)

Now at 40 with children of my own, I'm assessing life choices and I see that to a large extent, I've lived my life for someone else and I'd like to live my life for me for a while at least. Believe me, I wrestle with the thought of depriving my children of their grandparents and vise versa and with the worry of what if something happens to mom that I could have prevented by being here, but I also have to consider that my children need a mother that gave herself and her own family a chance at a better life. There were references to co-dependency and stretching in other posts that are so truthful. I feel like in some respects that if I had left at an early age, both I and my mother could have stretched in terms of independence and self reliance. At this time, our parents are in good health so if we're going to make the "break" it should be now. I think it will be interesting to see how a move shapes all the relationships in my life. At the very least, I won't look back at 50 and wonder what if....

[Woof]

Well, set up an internet video link if you miss them a lot, it'll be nice to visit.

[allforcats]

Hey Woof, what a fabulous idea!!! Couple of webcams and the grandparents can even blow kisses to the kids! Fabulous!!! BBC, waddaya think???

[haggardhouseelf]

Originally Posted by bye bye cali

... I've lived my entire adult life in the same town as my mother. I wanted to see more of the world but I just couldn't get past the "being there" for my mother... Now at 40 with children of my own, I'm assessing life choices and I see that to a large extent, I've lived my life for someone else and I'd like to live my life for me for a while at least... At this time, our parents are in good health so if we're going to make the "break" it should be now. I think it will be interesting to see how a move shapes all the relationships in my life. At the very least, I won't look back at 50 and wonder what if....

Maybe you can make yourself a compromise? Could you take time for yourself to travel? Of course I don't know your personal situation, but maybe you could find a way to travel and have new adventures for yourself and your children without moving away? Or perhaps you could arrange to have your family care for your children while you went on some wonderful adventures of your own? If your parents are in good health, maybe they could help in this? What about you and your mother going on an extended mother-daughter adventure! Don't think of it as selfish! Think of it as soul food. Mind nourishment. It's for your heart.

Sometimes just getting away is all it takes to make you so incredibly happy to be home.

Could you spend a month somewhere? A school year? 6 months? Brainstorm and see what you can come up with.

My husband's mother was Thai. Very very old school traditional master of guilt-trip giving Thai. I also mentioned my codependent family. I do understand where you are coming from. It's a very hard decision to make... and of course a very personal one. You ultimately have to think about YOUR feelings though. It's YOUR life.

But maybe take it one day, one week, one month at a time? Don't think of it as if you would be moving away forever. Do a vacation. A month-long holiday. Or move for one school year. See how that goes. It's hard to do that with kids - I don't know the ages of your kids so maybe it wouldn't be a big issue, I don't know.

Another thing to consider, though: The ages of your kids? When my kids were ages 12 and younger, moving was much easier. Now my oldest will be entering into junior high next year, and we are not planning on moving again once we move back to Oregon (if all goes well - this summer). I feel that junior high and high school are just so tricky to navigate through as it is, I don't want my kids having to deal with moving and all of that on top of everything else... Some families do it though - military families especially - so it's not like you couldn't if you really wanted to. If your children make friends really easily and are very adaptable, they should be fine regardless of their age. This is one benefit I have seen from our moves - my kids just seem to fit right in no matter where we are or what we're doing. Moving around has made them comfortable in their own skin, and very strong independent sort of people. This is what traveling gives you, among other things. Freedom to be yourself, independence, a greater sense of the world, an open mind.

And also - WA and CA are very close! I bet it wouldn't be as big a deal as you think it would be.... you just never know until you try. Southwest airlines usually has really inexpensive flights... they do $99 deals!

Good luck with your adventures!

[bye bye cali]

HHE:my kids are young 4 & 5 so I don't think moving would be such an issue. I'm sure they'd adapt quickly. Because they are so young travelling alone (tho very tempting) would be difficult. Trying one school year would probably be doable. I was an army brat, we moved every 3 years and for me, I missed having life-long friends and I especially missed growing up with grandparents. I wanted to give that to my kids but that ideal gets compromised in many families. Providing we like it well enough to stay in the PNW, I'm envisioning long visits during summer/winter breaks either us here in CA or them in Or or Wa. I feel a strong drive to experience another region in which to live. My mother left her parents behind in Korea and my mother-in-law left hers behind in Germany so I feel like I shouldn't feel so guilty. Sometimes I feel as tho, they have issues with leaving their families and so want even more to keep us all together. How did you and your husband in particular deal with your Asian master of guilt? How does he keep in touch? I was also wondering why do you think Or is a better choice for your family than Wa and which area? Hope these questions aren't too personal but you have such a similar situation culturally, I was wondering how your family was affected.

As for the Webcam...not a bad idea for my in-laws, they are pretty computer savvy. My mother, however,is "techno-challenged" but maybe there are some really userfriendly ones. The problem is my mother is the type that might become more saddened at seeing them without being able to touch them. We only live 45 min's away now and that's too much for her. I have them sing songs for her on the phone and she cries. Talk about guilt!

[haggardhouseelf]

I don't mind the questions! My MIL (husbands mother who was Thai) tried to make my husband and I feel very bad for "abandoning her" and his older brother at first. (The older brother who did nothing, he had been raised to do nothing, he was very lazy...) His older brother never dated, didn't have a wife or children, he didn't do anything. Not even laundry or cleaning or cooking. She did all the cooking and cleaning, and he played video games and worked on his cars that she bought for him.

My husband, though, turned to his older brother once we moved and ultimately demanded he step up, mature, and do more for his mother. Once we were out of the picture, the brother had to step up and make himself useful. Mainly that meant just driving her around since she doesn't drive and also explaining some things to her as her English is still a bit choppy sometimes.

My husband had gained a lot of weight and was feeling very pressured and stressed out trying to handle his career, his own wife and children, on top of his older brother who did nothing, and also his mother who was overly demanding and manipulative. (She would call him at work to tell him to drive 45 minutes to her house to bring her apple juice while the older brother sat there doing nothing... my husband would do it, rather than get into a fight with her as well as the older brother... also, she had this wooden spoon that she used to beat him with when she was angry... and my husband didn't want to risk it!)

So - in effect, our leaving was good for everybody, even though the brother and mother both protested and were very angry at first (they acted like spoiled babies, really...). The older brother had to start doing things, and she realized that she had babied him while being too hard on my husband. It took about 6 months, but eventually everything fell into place and as far as she was concerned we were forgiven.

We take trips back home for visits once or twice a year. Really it makes those visits so wonderful, and our relationships have grown stronger. Instead of getting on each others nerves all the time and feeling like we are obligated to do certain things (or we should do them to simply keep the peace...), now we feel more like we want to do things and we are happy to visit. Also, I feel our leaving helped both his mother and his brother to grow as people and become more capable of taking care of themselves.

As far as OR vs WA... I think that is a very hard thing for me to say... You might want to spend a few weeks in each place and decide which suits you and your children the best. For us, OR is a better fit. You can read around my other posts and probably get an idea of why. Basically - it's less expensive, we feel it is more beautiful, there are less people, there is less traffic, we felt safer there, it is more laid-back and comfortable, we had more fun on the weekends, the weather was better where we lived, the school where we lived were better (this varies... WA has excellent schools, too, depending on where you are. I love our school in WA, but I loved our school in OR even more...)

Anyway... There is a growing Korean community especially in the northern part of Eugene. My boys had many Korean friends while they attended Gilham Elementary while we lived there. We met a few other Korean families also at the community pool in Eugene (the Sheldon pool) where my children took swim lessons. I think you would love Eugene, but of course I think everybody who prefers a small'ish sort of town with an artsy and family feel to it would really love Eugene.

[haggardhouseelf]

I didn't mention my side of the family - it's sort of a long story... but in the end I was very glad to leave that nest. I felt smothered and hindered by it my entire life. I felt I couldn't grow anymore as a person, and I felt my children were going to be stuck in it for their entire lives if I didn't take the opportunity to escape. As I said before - everybody lived with or next to or very near everybody else. It seems no one can stand on their own two feet - everybody leans on somebody else. The odd part, though, was that even though they are physically very close to one another, and use each other for so many things they need to survive (food, housing, transportation...), communication rarely happens directly between them. If something happens or needs to happen - the communication is spread through a grapevine... a trickle down effect. Beginning usually with my grandmother and moving down the hierarchy from there... to her favorite gossip-partners, to their children, to their favorites, etc... My family is very gossipy and secretive. They will say one thing to your face, and another behind your back. So - you can understand why it wasn't very hard, ultimately when I really truly thought about it to leave all that behind. I realized that I was moving away from blood relatives, but we do visit and keep in touch and do the blog and all of that... so it's not like they are gone forever. Also - we have removed ourselves from having to be unwilling participants among all the gossip. It's made us feel lighter. There's more to the story... but that's probably enough to help you understand why we were able to make our decision. It's hard... to go from seeing your family every day of your life to only seeing them for a week or two out of the entire year. Sometimes you miss little things, like sometimes I think about my moms hands, or my sisters hair. Just little things like that... the way my grandmother's house smells or how soft my grandfather's old overalls are. But when you visit you get to tell them those things and really appreciate those things while you are together. I never really thought about those things until I moved away. I took them for granted.

I'm sorry if I've written or shared too much.

[ElkHunter]

Hell no. You've shared with friends and family. Live with it. You mention the trickle down effect. We've all felt that. We lived and loved. We had grand parents that taught us something. maybe not. But we learned. And I can appreciate that. Some can't.

Originally Posted by haggardhouseelf

I didn't mention my side of the family - it's sort of a long story... but in the end I was very glad to leave that nest. I felt smothered and hindered by it my entire life. I felt I couldn't grow anymore as a person, and I felt my children were going to be stuck in it for their entire lives if I didn't take the opportunity to escape. As I said before - everybody lived with or next to or very near everybody else. It seems no one can stand on their own two feet - everybody leans on somebody else. The odd part, though, was that even though they are physically very close to one another, and use each other for so many things they need to survive (food, housing, transportation...), communication rarely happens directly between them. If something happens or needs to happen - the communication is spread through a grapevine... a trickle down effect. Beginning usually with my grandmother and moving down the hierarchy from there... to her favorite gossip-partners, to their children, to their favorites, etc... My family is very gossipy and secretive. They will say one thing to your face, and another behind your back. So - you can understand why it wasn't very hard, ultimately when I really truly thought about it to leave all that behind. I realized that I was moving away from blood relatives, but we do visit and keep in touch and do the blog and all of that... so it's not like they are gone forever. Also - we have removed ourselves from having to be unwilling participants among all the gossip. It's made us feel lighter. There's more to the story... but that's probably enough to help you understand why we were able to make our decision. It's hard... to go from seeing your family every day of your life to only seeing them for a week or two out of the entire year. Sometimes you miss little things, like sometimes I think about my moms hands, or my sisters hair. Just little things like that... the way my grandmother's house smells or how soft my grandfather's old overalls are. But when you visit you get to tell them those things and really appreciate those things while you are together. I never really thought about those things until I moved away. I took them for granted.

I'm sorry if I've written or shared too much.