cutting the cord? dealing w/leaving mom (for sale, jobs)

[sphinx]

[quote=allforcats;2367744]No matter what you choose to do or not do, you will always feel guilty if you continue to believe that you are responsible for how other people choose to feel....

You are not responsible for others' emotions. THEY are responsible for their choices.

QUOTE]



Wise words.

[bye bye cali]

HHE: Thank you so much for your stories. I had to chuckle at the image of your MIL chasing your husband with a wooden spoon. I know the type well! It's encouraging to hear that your husband's moving actually empowered your in laws to be more self dependent and that your visits are more pleasurable than obligatory. I'm hoping for the same. I'm hoping that after an initial adjustment period, we will have fullfilling week long visits back and forth.

Hey, nice to hear about the Korean community in Eugene. Yeah, access to Kimchee!We're considering Corvallis, Or only 45 min's north of Eugene. I'm glad to hear that your family had such a positive experience there. We're planning on giving Corvallis a second look and Poulsbo a first look as soon as our home sells.

I have to say, I was touched by your description of missing the little things. I know what you mean...the smells, the feel of little things...I know.

Thanks again HHE. Much happiness to you and your family.

[haggardhouseelf]

Originally Posted by bye bye cali

HHE: Thank you so much for your stories. I had to chuckle at the image of your MIL chasing your husband with a wooden spoon.

One time she broke the spoon while she was beating him, so she got even more angry at him and made him go outside and fetch a large stick! She still talks about the time he broke her favorite wooden spoon...

Originally Posted by bye bye cali

Hey, nice to hear about the Korean community in Eugene. Yeah, access to Kimchee!We're considering Corvallis, Or only 45 min's north of Eugene.

In Eugene there are two really good Asian grocery stores. There is one on 11th called King's Asian Market which was my husband's favorite to go to. Also there is one on 24th called Sunrise, I think? We didn't go to that one very often, but it was packed full of good fun stuff as well. I think the Sunrise location on 24th would be the best bet for Kimchee - but I also saw kimchee at Red Barn Grocery as well as most of the Market of Choice gerocery stores in the area. Market of Choice is a really good place to do your grocery shopping there! They have everything...

Corvallis is supposed to be really great, too. I only spent a small amount of time there, we would take little road trips on weekends and we'd usually end up stopping there for coffee or to look around a shop or something. We knew people who attended OSU in Corvallis and also an older couple who decided to retire there. They said that they chose Corvallis over Eugene because they felt it was slightly more affordable. Corvallis seemed as though it was very similar to Eugene. Perhaps a bit more conservative and less "hippy" than Eugene can tend to be sometimes in some areas, but still very family-friendly and laid-back - as is most of Oregon.

Originally Posted by bye bye cali

Thanks again HHE. Much happiness to you and your family.

Thank you, and the same to your and your family. Good luck with everything!

[Woof]

Good Lord, every supermarket on the west coast has kimchee. And it's really not that hard to make, either (nor the European version, sauerkraut).

Oh, I used to love wandering through the International District in Seattle and foraging in the big and small Asian grocery stores. Uwajimaya of course, but so many others also, with a bazillion different kinds of hot garlicky sauces and preserved fish and soy laden chicken carcasses hanging in the dusty windows, and Vietnamese soups, and herbs and snake oil medicines, and elders doing their tai chi in the morning.

[West coast at heart]

I can definately relate to your situation bye bye cali. I have lived here in the midwest ( Indiana) for 42 years. My wife is from the San Francisco bay area. Her parents moved to LaConner,WA and recently retired in McMinnville, OR. She wants to move back west to be closer to her parents and to get away from the heavy snow and midwest attitude. We have made several visits to WA and I love it there and want to move there as well. We plan to move in a year and a half. We are looking at Sequim. Any way, I have never lived away from my family either. My dad just retired and my mom will retire in a year. They really are upset about us moving. It has started to get a little ugly. My wife has been the target of their passive agressive behavior. They are not making this easy. I am feeling guilty about the move but we are still going to do it. I really enjoyed all for cats first reply to you about not being responsible for other people's feelings. That actually helps me. Thank you one and all for this thread. I am looking forward to the PNW.

[madicarus2000]

I know what you’re going through. My mother is asian and I was the only male child. So I knew my “role” within the family unit. However while living in SoCal, my wife and I were swimming in debt and slowly watching that home equity peak and then start its decline. I was given a nice opportunity to transfer to a better position within my employer to go to Washington state. It meant better pay and a much shorter commute, and getting my hands on the equity, therefore less debt and more time with the wife and kids. My wife’s family is all over the place so the move wasn’t a problem, my mother was bitter over it as I was “leaving” her and my “responsibility” to her.

As it stands I’m here in WA now and I spend more time with my wife and kids and the debt is gone and doesnt appear to come back. My mother is still bitter but I learned to accept it as her problem as my responsibility was to my wife and kids and they are very happy, which makes me happy. That’s all that really matters.

[West coast at heart]

Thanks Madicarus. I guess guilt only has as much power as you give it.

[madicarus2000]

Originally Posted by West coast at heart

Thanks Madicarus. I guess guilt only has as much power as you give it.

Exactly, which is why I always focused on that small little often quoted Shakespeare line, “to thine own self be true”. My happiness is defined by my actions to make life better for myself and hopefully those I am truly responsible for, the wife and kids, and they will reap the dividends of that happiness and in turn be happy. I wont let anyone outside of that small circle define who or what I need to be.

I admit, it does sound selfish, but I think it’s more selfish for a parent to define their happiness by their children’s proximity and not their children’s happiness and successes.

[swsha4]

BBC, as a parent and grandmother, I am here to tell you that it is very wrong to expect your kids to live for you once they are grown. I am very lucky inasmuch as my grown daughters are also my friends, but I would NEVER have expected them to hang around once they were grown. For one thing, we lived in Alaska at the time and it's hard for young people to get good jobs there, to launch a career. For another, I always encouraged them to spread their wings and discover the world.

As a result, I have two very strong and independent daughters and grandchildren scattered all over. Fun to visit them! And as for them being there for me long distance, of course they are! When needed they always step up.

So you follow your heart BBC. Grab you hubby and explore! Granny will find you when she needs you!

[West coast at heart]

Originally Posted by swsha4

BBC, as a parent and grandmother, I am here to tell you that it is very wrong to expect your kids to live for you once they are grown. I am very lucky inasmuch as my grown daughters are also my friends, but I would NEVER have expected them to hang around once they were grown. For one thing, we lived in Alaska at the time and it's hard for young people to get good jobs there, to launch a career. For another, I always encouraged them to spread their wings and discover the world.

As a result, I have two very strong and independent daughters and grandchildren scattered all over. Fun to visit them! And as for them being there for me long distance, of course they are! When needed they always step up.

So you follow your heart BBC. Grab you hubby and explore! Granny will find you when she needs you!

Wow! You have made my day! It is so good to hear that from the other side. Thank you for your reply. I hope my parents will get to that point of view. I may need to sit down with them and hash all this out. I would so very much like for them to feel that way. I love my family and it is hard enough to leave them without the extra guilt on top. How about I give you their phone number and have you talk to them. Just kidding! I do truly appreciate your post though. Bless you swsha4!

Peace and respect,
West coast at heart