Trying to understand the whole (some) women and weddings thing (girls, invites)

[victorianpunk]

Okay, first and foremost please understand that I'm not referring to ALL women in any way shape or form, but just some whom I've observed and what societal expectations are, which, I will be the first to say, is usually BS as I am not a big fan of society. I've met women who got married at City Hall with two people there per their own request and never had any interest in big, lavish weddings, but from what I've personally witnessed and observed about most western human society, that is the minority.

Well, my question is this: why is it that so many women want a huge, lavish wedding: big ugly flower displaces, decorations, bars, etc etc etc, and men are suppose to say "yes dear, okay dear, whatever you say dear" and go along with it because "that's her day" and "that's what she dreamed about her entire life since she was a little girl" blah blah blah, BUT, if a man has something he's always wanted to do his entire life, it's perfectly 100% OK for his wife to say "hell no!" and put her foot down, no matter how comparatively reasonable the man's request might be?

I personally know a fellow who spent a great sum of money on the "dream wedding" that his wife wanted, complete with a absurdly stupid horse and carriage. Well, a few years later this fellow, who was a whimp growing up and always dreamed of being a tough guy, decided that he wanted to learn mixed martial arts in the hopes of fighting at least one amateur fight in front of people and winning. Now, does that sound at all unreasonable? A guy paying for his own lessons in fighting and just wanting to fight one fight to prove something to himself? Well, his wife was not having it and now he has to go to kickboxing and jujitsu classes in secret while his wife thinks he's playing racquetball.

I have also known a fellow who also gave his wife a big, ugly wedding and when he finally got the money to buy the Porsche he always wanted, she through a fit. Even though he always dreamed of owning a Porsche since he was a little boy, and even though he saved enough money to put a down payment over 50% of the total cost that he put aside for that sole purpose, the woman through a fit and demanded that the money go instead to a new kitchen...despite the fact that their kitchen was quite alright and had been remolded by the people who owned their house before them only five years ago. At least this guy stuck to his guns, bought the car and nearly got divorced over it.

I'm sure there are many, MANY more stories out there of women crushing the dreams of their husbands for no good reasons, even when the said men provided them with the dream wedding that men, for the most part, have no interest in. Just one big stupid party that makes little sense (who invites old people to a party?) and is all about the woman's ego...but the minute a man wants to fulfill his own ego and dreams by learning to be the tough guy he dreamed about being growing up or driving the car he drew pictures of in his fifth grade notebook, it's 100% ok for the woman to say "hell no!" and brag about it with her friends over cosmos.


Am I the only one who sees this as hypocrisy? If a man even hints at cutting back the cost of the wedding everyone jumps up and screams "BUT SHE'S BEEN DREAMING ABOUT IT SINCE SHE WAS A LITTLE GIRL!" and he's suppose to comply, but the minute a man wants to fulfill his dream it's just dandy that the woman says "no! you're not spending our money doing that!"

This is yet another one of the million things I cannot understand about intimate human relationships.

[ferretkona]

My first wife had to have the big wedding, this was 30 years ago and the wife's family was expected to pay for the weddings back then. She went the cheap route even thou very large. I bought some flowers and paid for the honeymoon.

My sister had her wedding a few months previously. She contracted with a scheme. She made the after party dinner for 1000 and arranged prices for "extra" guests. What was supposed to be a medium wedding became a $30,000 wedding that bankrupted my parents.

When I got married 10 years ago to my wife we went to the court and had a judge perform the wedding. We did this with no witnesses, cost $5 more. We wore our favorite Aloha shirts.

I think many women are out to spend money, even more so if it is not theirs. Some sort of entitlement I guess.

Both my brother and my brother-in-law quit high school in 10 th grade. They both ran up debt and had parents bail them out of trouble. These two men have never met. Both made the same statement to us regarding repayment of their bailouts. "This is just my college funds mom and dad did not give me". Neither my in laws had money for my wife to go to college and my parents did not have the money for me to go to college, and we both graduated high school with honors.
I think somehow very slow people seem to expect something is due to them. They people may have everything given to them thru their life and learn to expect it.

If a man is persuaded to give up dreams before even getting married I think this person either did not care for the dreams as much or is a weak person. Giving up a Porsche to pay for a wedding??

I would bet that the same women who must have the large expensive weddings are the same women who bought expensive gowns for their high school proms. These women expect the men to pay for limousines and hotel suites for after parties. Women have never got the clue that men do not care about the prom.

[victorianpunk]

Originally Posted by ferretkona

If a man is persuaded to give up dreams before even getting married I think this person either did not care for the dreams as much or is a weak person. Giving up a Porsche to pay for a wedding??

I'm not saying that he gave up a Porsche to pay for the wedding, what I'm saying is that he could afford the Porsche, had saved up for it, but was shot down by THE SAME WIFE who spent a small fortune on a wedding simply because she disapproves.

These guys didn't think they were entitled to what they dreamed of, just that if they worked hard on it and paid their own way for it that they should get it...yet, it's perfectly okay to tell such a man "no" while earlier in life essentially ordering him to go along with a woman's desire for a huge wedding that HE has to pay for, at least in part.

Yet another example of society's double standards against men.

[ferretkona]

I caught that after I typed. Same feeling thou.
No, if a person has a dream and has worked toward it they do deserve it. But it is in poor taste to distroy someone elses dream if they earned it.

I understand the dream wedding women want, they need to step up and pay for it.

I have listened to women, many marry a man with full intention to change them. The term "he is a gem in the rough".
My wife and I dated for a few years and then seen each other once a year or so till we married. 10 years, we have few secrets. I allowed my first wife to bullly me in to marrying her before I knew her, she knew if we dated any longer I would have dropped her.

[juniperbleu]

As far as why some women want the big, fabulous wedding, I think it's just the fantasy. You get to be a princess for one day, plus some have had it beaten into them their whole lives about how the wedding is "perfect" and should be the best day of their lives. (all I ask for is a fun party: good music, decent food, and good bar)

Regarding the wife splurging on the wedding and denying her husband the Porsche....if it's really that important to him, everything else equal I just think he picked wrong. Part of being a good couple is respecting each other's dreams

[sydney1987]

"she *threw* a fit"


hmm so why do you think people break up, get divorced, etc.

[fun with pudding]

Oh, don't EVEN get me started on this subject. But you did, soooo

As a woman, I NEVER dreamed of a wedding. I had other aspirations and thought if I got married along the way, great. From my experience with the girlfriends who did get married, it was all pomp & circumstance, mere fluff with little substance behind it (and they are divorced now). Many women dream of being a wife & mother which is great but some approach it in a technical way that eludes me. "My fiance makes ___money. He'll be partner soon so he'll make this___much. We'll get a house in __and have 3.2 children."

Never did I hear she loved him. That he was the man she wanted to share her life with. No sentiments, just financial details. In some ways I think maybe I'm not that feminine to not have dreamed of the big wedding day. I dreamed of a man I could love enough to want to spend the rest of my days with and could care less about the ceremony.

Are there really that many women who do this? And why do men put up with it? Do you think we are all like this?

I agree that the guy has a right to his dream as well but time after time I've warned male friends of their fiances and they were not deterred. The red flags are there, but for some reason you guys don't see it.

[miyu]

Originally Posted by victorianpunk

Well, a few years later this fellow, who was a whimp growing up and always dreamed of being a tough guy, decided that he wanted to learn mixed martial arts in the hopes of fighting at least one amateur fight in front of people and winning. Now, does that sound at all unreasonable? A guy paying for his own lessons in fighting and just wanting to fight one fight to prove something to himself? Well, his wife was not having it and now he has to go to kickboxing and jujitsu classes in secret while his wife thinks he's playing racquetball.

I have also known a fellow who also gave his wife a big, ugly wedding and when he finally got the money to buy the Porsche he always wanted, she through a fit. Even though he always dreamed of owning a Porsche since he was a little boy, and even though he saved enough money to put a down payment over 50% of the total cost that he put aside for that sole purpose, the woman through a fit and demanded that the money go instead to a new kitchen...despite the fact that their kitchen was quite alright and had been remolded by the people who owned their house before them only five years ago. At least this guy stuck to his guns, bought the car and nearly got divorced over it.

I see one prob with your arguments. You don't know the reason why the women don't want their guys to be doing martial arts and buying porsches. Maybe she is afraid he might get injured? Maybe the other wife thinks driving fast in a Porsche is dangerous? Maybe they really needed to save up for a minivan to transport their kids or had other expenses that would be better served. Just because you have the money saved up does not mean you should use it that way. If somebody could truly afford a Porsche there would be no arguments about it either way. Most people can't. Most sane people would rather get a new kitchen which would be for the whole family, raise the value of their home... rather than a depreciating car with expensive repairs. On the other hand if the kitchen was fine then there isn't much of a point in getting a "new kitchen". Either way the second couple sounds like a real pair of tools and probably deserve each other.

The wedding isn't for the bride only. It's also for the groom, and more importantly it is for both their families. Girls only want the big wedding because they are competing with all their friends. Pretty lame too.

[mizdezigner]

I think the wedding is not just form the bride and groom but for their families also. How many parents would have a fit if their child eloped? Many parents pride themselves on the day that their son or daughter gets married and wants to celebrate it with everyone. You have to invite aunts, uncles, cousins, etc...and you don't want to not invite someone (that could lead to the grudge of a lifetime). If you are marrying someone with a large family, then it is expected that the wedding might become quite large.

When I get married one day (I guess if, I am currently single) then I expect for my father to pay for a good portion of the expenses. I don't know if that is old fashioned or what. However, I do not need to have a huge $30,000 wedding. I probably won't even need a quarter of that. I would never bankrupt my parents for my wedding. Also, I would definitely contribute to the expenses as much as I could. As long as I could offer decent food and booze for my guests then its fine. Most likely I will want to keep it small so I can offer a better quality experience (aka more money per head= better food and higher quality venue).

It is the day I have dreamed about since I was a little girl. However, I do not want to waste it on anybody though (I do only want to be married once).

As for those problems you listed, I think that the wedding expenses are not the issue at all. It is an issue of control and/or pettiness. Who really knows? These relationship issues would have came up even if they just got married at the justice of the peace. So don't blame it on the wedding day.

[victorianpunk]

Originally Posted by miyu

I see one prob with your arguments. You don't know the reason why the women don't want their guys to be doing martial arts and buying porsches. Maybe she is afraid he might get injured?

There are allot less serious injuries in MMA than one would think. Statistically, it's safer than football.

[quote
Maybe the other wife thinks driving fast in a Porsche is dangerous? Maybe they really needed to save up for a minivan to transport their kids or had other expenses that would be better served.[/quote]

They had no kids and money to spare (the guy was an engineer)

Just because you have the money saved up does not mean you should use it that way. If somebody could truly afford a Porsche there would be no arguments about it either way. Most people can't. Most sane people would rather get a new kitchen which would be for the whole family, raise the value of their home... rather than a depreciating car with expensive repairs. On the other hand if the kitchen was fine then there isn't much of a point in getting a "new kitchen". Either way the second couple sounds like a real pair of tools and probably deserve each other.

The guy was a friend's uncle, and he's a good guy all and all. It's just that why spurge on a big wedding and then flip out when a man wants to splurge on a car? I mean, if it's his dream car and he's got the money, why does she feel the right to shoot down his dream? At least a Porsche is going to last awhile while a wedding is just one stinking day.

The wedding isn't for the bride only. It's also for the groom, and more importantly it is for both their families. Girls only want the big wedding because they are competing with all their friends. Pretty lame too.

But the point is, they want it, and as a society men are expected to HAVE TO give in and give them what ever they want...but at the same time, if a man has something he wants, no matter how small and reasonable it is ($80 a month to learn Muay Thai and jujitsu is not that bad for a guy with a decent job) it's perfectly okay, as a society, for a woman to throw a fit.

Also, for the most part, most men don't give a damn about the whole wedding crap. It's a girly thing that men just go along with for the good of the relationship...like so many other things.