Paying for a wedding...how much? (band, dress, ceremony, beach)

[FinsterRufus]

Originally Posted by h886

She's having 250 guests. I think the figure of $3,500 sounds different to different families. To some, that's a heck of a lot of money. To others who are fortunate enough to have a lot of disposable income, maybe it's just pocket change.

Personally, I'm not sure that too much emphasis isn't put on the wedding day in today's society. While it is an important event, it's just one day and I can't help but wonder if peer pressure isn't contributing to so many brides thinking they *have* to have this or that, or the day is ruined.

Additionally, the figure of 250 guests is pretty high, and when you're talking about needing someone else's money to pull it off, it's starting to get greedy too. Likely that guest list could be trimmed down quite a bit, or if the bride is so insistent that these people be there, shouldn't she be willing to take out personal loans and work extra hours to pay them off? Seems it's too easy to be a free spender when someone else is writing the checks.

I totally agree with what you're saying, regarding the emphasis on weddings. I had a very small wedding myself. I didn't mean to imply that it's "pocket change".

But realistically, she isn't asking for an absurd amount. If the OP can't afford it, or if that figure is completely out of the question, or if he simply doesn't feel like he wants to contribute, then she needs to look at alternatives and be grown up about it.

However, in response to the poster that said she needs to come back down to earth - really in this day and age $3500 is comparatively little for a reception. I'm still thinking perhaps he meant to write $35000. That would seem a much more realistic figure for 250 people, and certainly one to balk at.

[ajzjmsmom]

I agree with those who say give what you can to help, if you don't have it to give then offer your time and support. The days of parents paying for weddings are very quickly going away. I know there are some parents out there that are willing to go into debt to have this event for their kids but quite frankly your daughter is an adult and she needs to be willing to accept whatever help you can give and figure out the rest on her own. Our oldest son is getting married, he has a very good job and they will be paying for their own wedding, we will give them a monetary wedding gift.

[h886]

Originally Posted by FinsterRufus

I totally agree with what you're saying, regarding the emphasis on weddings. I had a very small wedding myself. I didn't mean to imply that it's "pocket change".

But realistically, she isn't asking for an absurd amount. If the OP can't afford it, or if that figure is completely out of the question, or if he simply doesn't feel like he wants to contribute, then she needs to look at alternatives and be grown up about it.

However, in response to the poster that said she needs to come back down to earth - really in this day and age $3500 is comparatively little for a reception. I'm still thinking perhaps he meant to write $35000. That would seem a much more realistic figure for 250 people, and certainly one to balk at.

Okay, I agree with you there. In the grand scheme of what some brides ask for, $3,500 isn't as bad as it could be. Still, the OP did say he got hit hard in the divorce a few years back, and it may be a lot to him, even if his daughter thinks it's a reasonable amount and even if it's small compared to what some brides have been known to ask for (our dentist said his daughter wanted $10K for flowers alone!)

I guess where I'm still raising an eyebrow at the bride a bit is on the guest list. If there aren't enough funds (for whatever reason), it seems that a guest list of 250 could be cut back a bit. I think some are too tempted to invite every single person they know or were ever friends with when it's just not something they can afford (or their dad can afford, in this case.) I still maintain that if having these 250 people there is so very important to her, shouldn't she be willing to pay for the last 125 of them herself? That would bring the figure down to a number dad thinks he could manage. While it's great to have a lot of friends, chances are she could prioritize a bit, or if she is really so close to all 250 people, then she should be willing to work extra hours to pay to have them there. My gut reaction was just that the bride was a little too free in her planning when it was someone else's money... I do agree with you on most points.

[suedonym]

$3500 isnt bad (of course, it is when you dont have it!)

regardless, I believe that the couple should pay for their OWN wedding. If parents want to contribute, great, but the financial responsibility lies on the bride and groom. If more people did this, over the top weddings wouldnt be as common as they are now. It's about the MARRIAGE - NOT- the wedding.

jmo...

[FinsterRufus]

Originally Posted by h886

Okay, I agree with you there. In the grand scheme of what some brides ask for, $3,500 isn't as bad as it could be. Still, the OP did say he got hit hard in the divorce a few years back, and it may be a lot to him, even if his daughter thinks it's a reasonable amount and even if it's small compared to what some brides have been known to ask for (our dentist said his daughter wanted $10K for flowers alone!)

I guess where I'm still raising an eyebrow at the bride a bit is on the guest list. If there aren't enough funds (for whatever reason), it seems that a guest list of 250 could be cut back a bit. I think some are too tempted to invite every single person they know or were ever friends with when it's just not something they can afford (or their dad can afford, in this case.) I still maintain that if having these 250 people there is so very important to her, shouldn't she be willing to pay for the last 125 of them herself? That would bring the figure down to a number dad thinks he could manage. While it's great to have a lot of friends, chances are she could prioritize a bit, or if she is really so close to all 250 people, then she should be willing to work extra hours to pay to have them there. My gut reaction was just that the bride was a little too free in her planning when it was someone else's money... I do agree with you on most points.

Yup - 250 people? That's a lot of close friends and family. I'd have to start inviting the mailman and the pizza guy if I were to have a guest list that large. (Not ragging on those of you that had a large wedding. It does seem like a lot of people if you're on a budget. Do you really need to invite Auntie Harriet's 2nd cousin twice removed?).

[AnonChick]

I can see a completely different interpretation of the OP - since he hasn't returned yet to explain, all we can do is guess. So here's my current guess:

The daughter and her fiance are funding/borrowing the bulk of the event themselves. The event will probably cost a few tens of thousands. But the daughter feels that her parents should contribute, to maintain some involvement since traditionally, the girl's parents funded the wedding. Her mom is contributing 'x.' She came up with this $3500 number as something she felt dad could handle, knowing that there was absolutely no way he would be able to afford the whole wedding. Obviously, the dad disagrees, and is angry about it and resentful of his ex-wife for taking all his money and leaving him with a daughter's wedding expense even though his daughter doesn't live with him.

It looks to me, that there are two main issues going on here:
1) the father is more concerned about what his ex-wife took from him, than he is giving his daughter a happy send-off to wifedom.
2) if the daughter expected money from her parents to fund the wedding, then she should have consulted with them BEFORE making the actual wedding plans. If she is asking that they only contribute a small portion of the actual cost, then she should have asked the dad to contribute something, and not given a specific amount.

It sounds to me, if I am interpreting this as intended, that the father and daughter need to have a heart-to-heart about life in general. And it sounds like it may be a very very long overdue discussion.

[FinsterRufus]

Originally Posted by AnonChick

I can see a completely different interpretation of the OP - since he hasn't returned yet to explain, all we can do is guess. So here's my current guess:

The daughter and her fiance are funding/borrowing the bulk of the event themselves. The event will probably cost a few tens of thousands. But the daughter feels that her parents should contribute, to maintain some involvement since traditionally, the girl's parents funded the wedding. Her mom is contributing 'x.' She came up with this $3500 number as something she felt dad could handle, knowing that there was absolutely no way he would be able to afford the whole wedding. Obviously, the dad disagrees, and is angry about it and resentful of his ex-wife for taking all his money and leaving him with a daughter's wedding expense even though his daughter doesn't live with him.

It looks to me, that there are two main issues going on here:
1) the father is more concerned about what his ex-wife took from him, than he is giving his daughter a happy send-off to wifedom.
2) if the daughter expected money from her parents to fund the wedding, then she should have consulted with them BEFORE making the actual wedding plans. If she is asking that they only contribute a small portion of the actual cost, then she should have asked the dad to contribute something, and not given a specific amount.

It sounds to me, if I am interpreting this as intended, that the father and daughter need to have a heart-to-heart about life in general. And it sounds like it may be a very very long overdue discussion.

Yes, that makes more sense. I'm having a hard time reconciling the $3500 figure with the 250 people guest list. Pretty impossible, I would imagine.

[TurtleCreek80]

I would tell her that if they are old enough to get married, they're old enough to pay for it themselves. Then write them a check as a "wedding present" for whatever amount you can comfortably & happily afford to give, be it $500 or $5,000.

FYI- assuming the wedding will be in/near at least a decent sized town/city, the total cost of the she-bang for 250 is probably closer to $20,000-50,000. $14 per head for dine would be about $7 of food and $7 for rental fees/ taxes/ service charges & tips. The numbers don't jive at all.

[Ceece]

Years ago I worked with a woman who went out to lunch one day and got married at the courthouse. When she came back so told us all what she did then took the rest of the day off and a few days vacation for a honeymoon. Her and her husband were very driven professionals and planned it that way so they could concentrate on what was important to them...their careers and each other. No need for outsiders. I think they had a party later on to celebrate with friends and family.

[ajzjmsmom]

Originally Posted by suedonym

$3500 isnt bad (of course, it is when you dont have it!)

regardless, I believe that the couple should pay for their OWN wedding. If parents want to contribute, great, but the financial responsibility lies on the bride and groom. If more people did this, over the top weddings wouldnt be as common as they are now. It's about the MARRIAGE - NOT- the wedding.

jmo...

great post