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We are dealing with planning a wedding now too. Just to give you an idea, throwing a rehearsal party dinner (informal) for approx 50 people is adding up to more than your daughter is looking to spend for 250. I would LOVE to know what kind of meal she hopes to serve for those prices.
I would not let anybody pressure you into paying more than you can comfortably afford. There is nothing wrong with expecting the bride and groom to kick in some money either.
I am not a bar or club guy, so I am not sure what kind of place this is, but it is being held at and catered by the "Elks" club, which is some kind of social club. Sit down dinner with ham/turkey and the trimmings for 250. Club rental for four hours and meal for $3500. DJ for three hours another $400. Cash bar.
I can see a completely different interpretation of the OP - since he hasn't returned yet to explain, all we can do is guess. So here's my current guess:
The daughter and her fiance are funding/borrowing the bulk of the event themselves. The event will probably cost a few tens of thousands. But the daughter feels that her parents should contribute, to maintain some involvement since traditionally, the girl's parents funded the wedding. Her mom is contributing 'x.' She came up with this $3500 number as something she felt dad could handle, knowing that there was absolutely no way he would be able to afford the whole wedding. Obviously, the dad disagrees, and is angry about it and resentful of his ex-wife for taking all his money and leaving him with a daughter's wedding expense even though his daughter doesn't live with him.
It looks to me, that there are two main issues going on here:
1) the father is more concerned about what his ex-wife took from him, than he is giving his daughter a happy send-off to wifedom.
2) if the daughter expected money from her parents to fund the wedding, then she should have consulted with them BEFORE making the actual wedding plans. If she is asking that they only contribute a small portion of the actual cost, then she should have asked the dad to contribute something, and not given a specific amount.
It sounds to me, if I am interpreting this as intended, that the father and daughter need to have a heart-to-heart about life in general. And it sounds like it may be a very very long overdue discussion.
The whole event is $5300.00 for everything. Am I pissed I gave the ex wife $243,000.00 YES, but that has nothing to do with it. I was merely pointing out that was why I am strapped for cash (along with a year and a half of $1500.00 a month alimony, plus $7000.00 I still owe on a loan for legal fees. This is why I am balking at "my share" as it is. Mommy's share is $1750.00 because as my daughter says and the excuse anytime money is involved "mom's broke" but "you know dad has the money" as it always is stated. Nice.
My daughter thinks the ex-wife and I should pay for it all. I feel 250 guests is excessive. She is a nurse and invited everyone she works with at the hospital as well as friends. For those who think spending $3500.00 towards a wedding is no big deal, you are either rich or like many others and don't know the value of a dollar and are living beyond your means and probably deeply in debt. My thanks to those with fair advice.
Yes I want to see my daughter have a nice wedding and give her a nice sendoff, but anyone who spends more than $5k on a wedding is either nuts or rich in my book.
My daughter thinks the ex-wife and I should pay for it all. I feel 250 guests is excessive. She is a nurse and invited everyone she works with at the hospital as well as friends.
This is all I need to know. Tell her it's nice to think someone else should pay for it all, but the reality is, you're going to give her X amount of money (or none), and she can figure out where the rest is coming from.
You say she's a nurse, well she's not making peanuts. She can figure something else out.
Tell her to stop acting like an entitlement princess, and to start acting like an adult.
The whole event is $5300.00 for everything. Am I pissed I gave the ex wife $243,000.00 YES, but that has nothing to do with it. I was merely pointing out that was why I am strapped for cash (along with a year and a half of $1500.00 a month alimony, plus $7000.00 I still owe on a loan for legal fees. This is why I am balking at "my share" as it is. Mommy's share is $1750.00 because as my daughter says and the excuse anytime money is involved "mom's broke" but "you know dad has the money" as it always is stated. Nice.
My daughter thinks the ex-wife and I should pay for it all. I feel 250 guests is excessive. She is a nurse and invited everyone she works with at the hospital as well as friends. For those who think spending $3500.00 towards a wedding is no big deal, you are either rich or like many others and don't know the value of a dollar and are living beyond your means and probably deeply in debt. My thanks to those with fair advice.
Yes I want to see my daughter have a nice wedding and give her a nice sendoff, but anyone who spends more than $5k on a wedding is either nuts or rich in my book.
Nobody was saying $3500 is "no big deal". No need to start flinging mud at people's imaginary finances, or their handling there of.
In the context of a wedding for 250 guests, it is a bargain, nonetheless. If you don't want to spend it that's fine. If you are not in a position to chip in with it without going into debt, that's smart on your behalf. If you think she's invited too many people, that's fine too.
But it's not an outrageous amount for a 250 person wedding. You said in your initial post $3500 for a reception was ridiculous. It's not. That's just the reality of it, is all.
just for laughs you should watch Say Yes to the Dress or that other show where brides compete for a honeymoon trip. You wouldn't believe what some people spend on weddings. And I'm sure many people go into debt for it. probably parents are still paying off wedding loans even after the couple is divorced. What a joke.
We have two 20 something kids and 2 grade school kids. We were in a position to pay for college for the first 2 and send them off without tens of thousands of dollars in student loans. I was happy to do it. But with 2 little ones to educated and a husband still working in his 70's, we have made it known any weddings will be on their own nickles.
Son was close to marrying a girl with $52,000 in student loans who felt she was entitled to a big fancy wedding. She felt it was only right she should be queen for a day. When son told her any wedding would have to be paid by her parents or by her own efforts (son was still in graduate school), she pouted and whined. And they weren't even really engaged. Thankfully son saw the light about her unrealistic expectations and demands before it went any further.
Daughter is educated, working and living with BF of 6 years. No wedding talks yet but she knows mom and Dad aren't for anything more than a small 20-30 invitee wedding and if she wants more it will be on their dime.
To go into debt to impress people you barely know, hardly like and most likely won't see much after is so ridiculous.
Here you can rent the VFW hall for $600 and the bartender for $20 an hour And get a buffet and buy your own liquor.
I would pay halves with the inlaws and leave it at that. Your daughter can pay for the rest if she wants it. I had a big wedding (pressured into it) and would not do it again - too much hassle with both families involved. She needs to not just hold you hostage for the $$ without having you get a say into how much is involved.
Her budget sounds pretty reasonable, I have a co-worker who recently had her family spend $30,000 on a wedding yikes!!
To go into debt to impress people you barely know, hardly like and most likely won't see much after is so ridiculous.
I agree totally, and that's hardly what this girl is doing. To be able to arrange a wedding for even 50 people for $5300 total is pretty resourceful, IMO. She's hardly going overboard.
OP, has she always had the expectation her parents would pay for her wedding? Have you ever discussed prior to this that you wouldn't be doing so?
You said in your first post you thought it was fair to pay for the reception until you saw the numbers. How much were you willing to pay before you were told the amount?
I would hope if the wedding isn't until June that she and her fiance will be able to save the $3500 they need. Doesn't seem undoable.
I just checked a popular wedding calculator online. My zip code is a moderately priced area in an expensive state (New Haven county in Connecticut). So we'll pretend this is one potential "high cost." What I selected on the questions:
200-300 people at a casual event
Rented tux, purchased wedding gown and veil, including cost of gown preservation. I assumed we already had our own shoes and accessories.
One unneccessary perk out of a list: mani/pedi for the bride.
DJ for entertainment
For flowers: boutonierres, corsages, bridal and bridesmaids bouquets, ceremony arrangements, reception decorations, centerpieces, and arrangements.
Gifts for attendents and wedding favors for guests
Invitations, thank you cards, table place cards
Wedding band for bridge and groom
Photographer
Ceremony location fee, aisle runner, unity candle, etc. etc. for ceremony location costs.
Ceremony officiator's fee/donation cost
Reception rental (at 250 people, you're not having it in your back yard), reception food and bar service
Wedding cake
Minimum cost for all the above, in my neck of the woods, is $16,000.
High-end cost for all the above, in my neck of the woods, is $26,425.
The average wedding includes more things than that, and the average wedding is not a casual affair. But I figured I'd try to be frugal, without appearing stingy. You can do your own calculations and find out for yourself how much weddings cost, but I'll save you the trouble if you like the down and dirty:
The average cost, nationwide, for a semi-formal wedding/reception serving between 125-150 guests, is over $24,000. That's twenty-four thousand, not twenty-four hundred. The normal expenditure ranges between $18,050 for a low, to $30,083
For under 200 people.
If you're planning on serving 250 people, you should expect to pay approximately $50 PER PERSON above the average.
I think as a daughter it is bratty of her to assume that you would pay for anything to do with the wedding, however, if you have a good relationship you should be able to have a heart-to-heart talk with her and explain the situation just like you explained it to us and she will understand. I know if my dad said look honey, I just can't afford that much because of x, y, and z - I would be like, oh daddy I'm so sorry, I didn't realize things were like that financially for you - I'll think of something else! I would never want to hurt my dad or impose a hardship on him, now that I'm an adult. I say treat her like an adult, talk to her, and yes, definitely write a check for the amount you finally decide upon, as a gift for her to spend as she sees fit. Much easier all around that way for her and you - you don't have to get involved in any details.
FWIW, I've been married twice and paid for both weddings myself. The first was 25 of our closest friends/family on a beach with cake and finger foods - the total cost of the wedding (minister, beach house rental, dress, etc) was $1000 - the exact amount we got in wedding gift money from our guests, so we came out even, lol. The second and final was just us, the minister, two witnesses and a photographer in a beautiful garden and the cost was under $100 and it was a priceless day that I'll never forget.
Maybe you could encourage your daughter to think of something more unique and special (and affordable) than the traditional sit-down ordeal that everyone else does.
<wondering how you have a sit-down dinner for 250 for $3500?>
250 is not a huge number; 125 couples or 67 couples per side of the family.
Probably a typo, should have been $35,000.
I am a stickler for being old fashioned.
The brides parents pay for everything except flowers and the rehearsal dinner that usually happens the night before wedding. This is not something to be shared.
You can have a decent wedding for $20,000.
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