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Old 03-06-2011, 10:52 PM
 
Location: Wildside of Oahu
1,253 posts, read 1,529,037 times
Reputation: 1863

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Quote:
Originally Posted by h886 View Post
Personally, I think it's rude to have such a blunt public discussion about who is paying how much for what. The bride should have discussed the wedding privately with her father, asking what if anything he could contribute. She should have repeated the same discussion in private with her mother and her mother's new husband, and also with the groom's parents.

At no time should any party have been made aware of how much anyone else was paying, nor who was making up the balance of anything, or whatever. That was extremely tacky of the bride. If anyone asked, she should have politely declined to answer.

It's like at Christmas. Aunt Mary might send a gift of $5 to her nieces--perhaps it's all she can afford as a single mom. If Aunt Jo chooses to send $15, that's her business. Both should be thanked graciously and at no point should anyone ever say anything about, "Aunt Jo is giving more than Aunt Mary," nor reveal details that allow others to figure that out like, "Aunt Mary only sent enough for this pack of gum, but Aunt Jo sent enough for this new sweater." It is tacky to discuss money like that, particularly gifts. The amount and circumstances should remain private between the giver and the recipient.

Again, the bride could have prevented this entire situation by simply demonstrating better manners. It is tacky to discuss anyone's contribution (in amount or otherwise) with anyone but the giver and recipient. The groom's parents could have simply been asked, "Could you please contribute x amount?" without any mention of what other parties were contributing. It is inappropriate that this bride has broadcasted to all involved how much each person is paying, to the point where the father knows how much the mother is paying, and so forth. That information should have remained private.
Absolutely correct! Yet it was the FATHER who brought this to a public forum. Perhaps he has a history of not paying his share or using his alimony payments as an excuse to avoid what most Fathers would be thrilled to do.

And I agree...$3500 for 250 guests? An incredible bargain!
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Old 03-07-2011, 07:49 AM
 
10,086 posts, read 14,716,801 times
Reputation: 6050
Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus View Post
It's a WEDDING. She's not "demanding her parents pay for things". The OP himself said that he would pay for the reception, and that it's traditional to do so. If he thinks that, then the daughter has probably been brought up to think that.

Having your reception at an Elks club with a DJ and a cash bar is hardly "Bridezilla mentality".

Everybody is so eager to point out that kids are "entitled" these days that they want to label every young adult that way. I give her kudos for not planning a truly ridiculous wedding that they can't afford. Good for her.
It's Bridezilla mentality if you're demanding someone pay for something (wedding or not) that you can't afford. It sounds like she CAN'T afford the wedding if she's demanding that her dad pay for it. (or perhaps just prefers not to?)

Yes, I definitely know there are many young people out there these days who aren't sucked into the entitlement thing -- this young (assuming she's young, but do we really know?) woman doesn't sound like she's one of them. She admittedly has a modest budget, but there's no dollar limit on what it takes to have an entitlement attitude. People should be HAPPY when their parents agree to pay for or contribute to their weddings, not just expect that it should happen. And yes, I think the dad should do his best to pay for something if he can -- but I still don't think that excuses the daughter for not stepping up and being an adult about the situation.
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Old 03-10-2011, 04:11 AM
 
2 posts, read 968 times
Reputation: 10


Because of money, we wear different clothings. Someone always have expensive clothings, some ohter only have several top-grade costumes for occasions. The reality is different, so we should not demand the same payment from parents.

If you already in debit for a period of time, your daughter should thinking about to spend less in the ceremoney. It is not comfortable to spend too much in front of others and eat a little in our daily life.

Our life doesn't aim to be envious to others. You can have a talk with your daughter on the base of your reality. I think so.
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Old 03-10-2011, 07:20 AM
 
Location: Eastern time zone
4,459 posts, read 4,023,511 times
Reputation: 3393
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
What it boils down to is what you can afford. If you can't afford it you can't afford it. But for some reason, the tone of your post indicates that it's not really that you can't afford it (yes, I know you said you can't but something just sounds....off) but that you don't want to part with $3500 and think you shouldn't have to.

Don't pay if you dont' have the money. Give what you can but if she can carry off a reception for 250 people for $3500 then she's a smart and frugal cookie! I was very frugal with my wedding almost 25 years ago and spent that on a wedding for 150 - and people were amazed at what I did with my budget.

Dh and I were married the same day as Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith. Our entire budget was about 1% of what she spent on her dress.

Both they, and we, are still married.

INOm if someone wants to throw some kind of expensive hoogag surrounding their nuptials, have at it, but never confuse want with need, or the trappings with the actual event.
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Old 08-21-2011, 08:12 PM
 
80 posts, read 104,516 times
Reputation: 29
wow, did we just get hit. Just found out my daughter is getting married in Oct 2012 and my son in Spring 2012. They were both "out of the blue" engagements?

I still can't figure out what to give........................what amount. One son, one daughter.

Any money I give will be a loan.............unless we only go 2K each? but is that considered acceptable in today's age?

We just purchased another property and I don't know what else we could do but loan it?

suggestions please?

thanks
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Old 08-21-2011, 08:18 PM
 
Location: here
17,004 posts, read 14,311,731 times
Reputation: 13905
Quote:
Originally Posted by happy393 View Post
wow, did we just get hit. Just found out my daughter is getting married in Oct 2012 and my son in Spring 2012. They were both "out of the blue" engagements?

I still can't figure out what to give........................what amount. One son, one daughter.

Any money I give will be a loan.............unless we only go 2K each? but is that considered acceptable in today's age?

We just purchased another property and I don't know what else we could do but loan it?

suggestions please?

thanks
It depends on a lot of factors. How old are they? How much can you afford? Are your son's fiance's parents planning to pay for the wedding? That sounds kind of old fashioned now, but that's how we did it 12 years ago, and my sister 5 years ago. Do they want big weddings? If not, they might not even want a loan.
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Old 08-21-2011, 08:57 PM
 
Location: NJ
17,580 posts, read 20,757,045 times
Reputation: 15413
Just give whatever you feel:

1. You can afford
2. You feel is proper

It isn't more complicated than that. The kids don't like it? Too bad.
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Old 08-21-2011, 08:58 PM
 
Location: NJ
17,580 posts, read 20,757,045 times
Reputation: 15413
Quote:
Originally Posted by scapegoatpa View Post
Yes I want to see my daughter have a nice wedding and give her a nice sendoff, but anyone who spends more than $5k on a wedding is either nuts or rich in my book.
You don't seem to have a good grasp on what rich or nuts mean.
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Old 08-22-2011, 06:32 AM
 
2,596 posts, read 2,699,365 times
Reputation: 3878
Quote:
Originally Posted by happy393 View Post
wow, did we just get hit. Just found out my daughter is getting married in Oct 2012 and my son in Spring 2012. They were both "out of the blue" engagements? I still can't figure out what to give........................what amount. One son, one daughter.

Any money I give will be a loan.............unless we only go 2K each? but is that considered acceptable in today's age? We just purchased another property and I don't know what else we could do but loan it?

suggestions please? thanks
The truth is, you don't have to give anything. In this day and age, it's becoming more common for couples to pay for things themselves. Definitely do NOT feel guilty or that you have to pay for the wedding. Sometimes it really helps the bride and groom to put things in perspective to have a money limit. It can really define for them what's important and what isn't in a way that isn't possible when they have a blank check.

I would give the same amount to each.

I would make it a gift, not a loan, even if that means you give less. Never loan money to family--it usually causes bad feelings, and especially that's likely in this case. Make it clear that you're thrilled for them and so happy, but also be clear that this is all you will be contributing. As you said, you are not in a financial position to give more.
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Old 08-22-2011, 08:30 AM
 
Location: Connecticut
2,727 posts, read 2,864,577 times
Reputation: 1866
I know this original thread is several months old, but I'd like to add in my opinion anyways.

I would NEVER tell my parents what to pay for my wedding. I think that's just rude. When I got married, my father told me what he could afford to give me. My mother was willing to spend more as there were things SHE wanted for my wedding. She actually insisted my father pay for half of all those things, which he refused. I was on his side. He said in the beginning what he could afford and that was that, and since it was things SHE wanted I could see his point.

Parents should NOT be obilgated to pay for a child's wedding. I never expected my parents to pay for mine. They offered and I worked with what budget we had and it was still a beautiful wedding.

I have a friend whose in-laws offered up $15,000 for the reception ONLY, the RECEPTION. My friend got miffed saying it wasn't enough for what SHE wanted. Pffft, too bad! You're 26 and work - pay the rest for what you want.
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