Paying for a wedding...how much? (marriage, invite, money, invitation)

[scapegoatpa]

My daughter announced at xmas she and her boyfriend intend to get married in July. She never asked me or consulted me about how much I would be willing to pay for her wedding. She came to me (I am divorced) and said "mom is going to buy my dresses and pay for the church" and you can pay for the reception. I thought this was fair UNTIL I asked how much she thought it would cost. I almost passed out when she told me $3500!!!!

She intends to invite 250 people (everyone they know) for a catered sit down dinner. I balked. The mother and stepfather's share turned out to be $1750 and they refuse to pay a dime more as they feel that is already excessive. I have mixed emotions, as I know it is customary the brides parents pay, but I am thinking of matching $1750 and let the grooms parents kick in the rest. The daughter boo hooed to them that I said 250 people and a $3500 reception was ridiculous. They said they would pay what I wouldn't.

I am not rich, and I just lost $250k in a divorce two years ago and she knows this. I am still in debt from the divorce and would have to borrow whatever I give. I feel she should have discussed it with me before making plans, but it is too late now.

Would I be unreasonable to only pay half the $3500, or should I offer the whole thing? Am I going to be labeled as a cheapskate by the grooms parents (who aren't real bright) or should I expect them to understand my circumstances? Incidentally, they are not hurting for money and could easily afford to help out. Opinions/suggestions please....

[maciesmom]

<wondering how you have a sit-down dinner for 250 for $3500?>

[AnonChick]

I don't know what part of the country you're in, but around here in Connecticut, $3500 would *probably* suffice for a deposit on the catering hall, accommodating 250 guests. Think about that dad. 250 guests into $3500, that's only $14 per person. You can spend that much for breakfast and a tip at IHOP these days. With a wedding, you need a reception location to accommodate that many people, or a friend with a HUGE lawn, then you would still need to rent a tent, seating, place settings - just the cake alone, can set you back $350. Then there's the flowers for the reception, and the bouquet - very easily around $1000 JUST for the flowers, even if you get them at the superamarket's floral department.

She's actually being pretty reasonable about the costs - there's no way it's going to be that cheap unless someone is donating a lot of the components of the reception.

What I would recommend, is that you tell your darling daughter that she needs to cut down drastically on the guest list. Tell her that you will fund 2500 if she can pare down to 150 guests. Let her "convince" you to pay $3000 for 200 guests. And at that price, you'll be getting a HUGE bargain of a wedding for your daughter.

[purehuman]

Just give her what you can, if the grooms parents think you're cheap..so what. You shouldn't have to go in debt to pay for a wedding..

[raggy491]

Just tell her how much you can afford base on your means. And that Her and groom will have to figure how to come up with rest. How about your daughter turn to her father for some financial help?

My Mother in law and Father in Law did not pay for our wedding and they pretty much made that clear to my wife long before we married. Knowing the bill was on us , we happily made it a simple wedding with only the closest family and friends in attendance. Inlaws howerver did suprise us by paying for half Our honeymoon in Vegas.

Another question. Do you feel based on what you have seen of your daughters relashionship that the marriage will hold up? It would suck to spend the money if you had a good feeling it wont last.

[maciesmom]

What it boils down to is what you can afford. If you can't afford it you can't afford it. But for some reason, the tone of your post indicates that it's not really that you can't afford it (yes, I know you said you can't but something just sounds....off) but that you don't want to part with $3500 and think you shouldn't have to.

Don't pay if you dont' have the money. Give what you can but if she can carry off a reception for 250 people for $3500 then she's a smart and frugal cookie! I was very frugal with my wedding almost 25 years ago and spent that on a wedding for 150 - and people were amazed at what I did with my budget.

[no kudzu]

I agree that there are probably way too many people invited but the price is downright cheap. BTW a sit down dinner is way cheaper than finger foods. most people don't realize that.
I don't think anybody should go into debt to pay for a wedding. I strongly disagree that your financial contribution, if any, should be based on whether or not you think the marriage will last.

And yes she should have asked you before she assumed you would pay.

The groom's parents usually pay for the rehearsal dinner and that isn't always cheap either.
wonder what would happen if you offered her $2,500 to just have a small family at home wedding and use your gift for savings for down payment? I'm not into big show offy weddings anyway.

[AnonChick]

My parents paid $10,000 for my wedding. But that included everything. My gown (I got lucky with that - handmade in the 1940's; yards of vintage watery pure silk satin for only $90, plus $250 for professional restoring, cleaning, and altering to fit), flowers, wedding and reception venue, the JP, music, food, invitations, open bar for 4 hours, and I think 120 guests. The same wedding today would probably be around $18,000. I won the cake at a bridal show, did my own hair and makeup. A friend played classical guitar for the wedding itself so we didn't have to hire a harpist (it was an outdoor wedding so a church organ would not have been an option). The venue was in the main building of the place we had the ceremony; the entire property was a working farm, that had been partially converted around 30 years prior to be a fully catered reception hall for events, and clambake facility. It that had taken place at a more "common" wedding facility, the same wedding probably would cost around $40,000 in today's dollars.

And this was only semi-formal, nothing gourmet, spring time garden wedding for a very middle-middle-class family.

Edited to add oh - that was 20 years ago. Back when I was born (nudge to Hopes, who ain't getting away from this easy, heheheh).

[uptown_urbanist]

Do you mean $35,000? If not, consider yourself very lucky! That's one cheap sit-down dinner.

In any case, I think your daughter needs a wake-up call; she is completely out-of-bounds, and extremely rude.

If you're willing and able, then offering to pay half of the reception cost is very generous and perfectly acceptable. Frame in a positive way. Or better yet, just write them the check for the amount (whether half or some other amount), and tell her that it's your wedding present to the couple, and that they can choose to use it however they feel is best. And, of course, offer up your love and tell them that you're looking forward to the wedding!

And whatever you do, don't borrow money to give to them. If you can't afford it, offer up your time and support instead.

I wouldn't debate the number of guests. If she knows the final budget then she can work out the details. If need be that will involve either cutting out guests, or maybe cutting back to a cocktail reception or a brunch, going with a cheaper venue, or whatever else they need to do to get their wishes best aligned with their budget. It will be a good real-world experience for the bride and groom; they sound either very young and naive, or perhaps just have entered into the realm of the alternative wedding universe, and in either case they are adults, are responsible enough to take on marriage, and should therefore be responsible enough to work with a budget.

[maciesmom]

Or better yet, just write them the check for the amount (whether half or some other amount), and tell her that it's your wedding present to the couple, and that they can choose to use it however they feel is best

That is what my father did. My parents just didn't come from a background of extravagant weddings. Midwest, middle class Protestants had coffee, punch (nonalcoholic), cake and mints in the church basement in their era. Dinner and a band was........Plus, my father had 2 daughters who married within months of each other!