Destination Weddings (invite, proposed, ceremony, beach)

[revrandy]

A family member is getting married in the fall. They have chosen to have the ceremony in Italy and would like 15 - 20 of us to fly over for the celebration. I have also been asked to perform the ceremony for them, something i would be honored to do.

In looking at costs for the trip (self and other half), flights would be $1K each ($500 each if we used points and just paid taxes/fuel surcharges), plus the cost of lodging for a week, plus food, plus expenses. That is way outside our budget.

What is the protocol here with respect to destination weddings? Should the bride/groom cover some or all of the expenses or is it assumed that we pay our own? When I do a wedding locally, I am given an honorarium to cover my time and costs. Clearly with a family member I am not looking for an honorarium, but is it realistic to expect us to pay $2K - $3K+ to attend and be part of their wedding?

Thoughts from others who have been in this situation.

[andreaspercheron]

If they asked you to perform the ceremony, I would certainly not be above asking them to help out with flying you over. If you were just a friend being invited to their destination wedding, that would be different but because they specifically asked you for your services.. ya know?

From what I understand if you were just a friend being invited the onus would be on you to cover all your expenses. I think on their end they could or should block rooms off in a hotel for a discounted price to the guests flying over.

[gvillesux]

i can only say that those who hold destinatino weddings are thinking only of themselves. if you cannot afford to go there, then by all means let them know the ONLY way you will be able to attend or perform the ceremony is if they pay one or both of your expenses. honestly i would think they should pay yours, and you be responsible for your spouse's.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by revrandy

A family member is getting married in the fall. They have chosen to have the ceremony in Italy and would like 15 - 20 of us to fly over for the celebration. I have also been asked to perform the ceremony for them, something i would be honored to do.

In looking at costs for the trip (self and other half), flights would be $1K each ($500 each if we used points and just paid taxes/fuel surcharges), plus the cost of lodging for a week, plus food, plus expenses. That is way outside our budget.

What is the protocol here with respect to destination weddings? Should the bride/groom cover some or all of the expenses or is it assumed that we pay our own? When I do a wedding locally, I am given an honorarium to cover my time and costs. Clearly with a family member I am not looking for an honorarium, but is it realistic to expect us to pay $2K - $3K+ to attend and be part of their wedding?

Thoughts from others who have been in this situation.

The proper thing to do is tell them you are honored they asked, and that while you would love to make the trip and perform the ceremony, your budget does not allow for you to do so.

At that point they will either offer to pay some of your expenses or you will have graciously let them off the hook and they will say "we understand"

[Cindy_Jole]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

The proper thing to do is tell them you are honored they asked, and that while you would love to make the trip and perform the ceremony, your budget does not allow for you to do so.

At that point they will either offer to pay some of your expenses or you will have graciously let them off the hook and they will say "we understand"

(Will give you reps when I'm able )

[Nite Ryder]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

The proper thing to do is tell them you are honored they asked, and that while you would love to make the trip and perform the ceremony, your budget does not allow for you to do so.

At that point they will either offer to pay some of your expenses or you will have graciously let them off the hook and they will say "we understand"

I think this is the best advice you will get.

In this day and age many young people and even some older people don't stop and thing how a destination wedding affects guest. I'm sure some of these weddings don't last as long at the payment term does.

[miyu]

Originally Posted by gvillesux

i can only say that those who hold destinatino weddings are thinking only of themselves. if you cannot afford to go there, then by all means let them know the ONLY way you will be able to attend or perform the ceremony is if they pay one or both of your expenses. honestly i would think they should pay yours, and you be responsible for your spouse's.

Hah. I know this one couple who planned a foreign destination wedding and right before the wedding, after everyone has paid for tickets, accomodations, set aside their vacation times, they called it off due to some stupid tiff. The fallout was not pretty. Eventually they got married but they were too ashamed to have a ceremony, LOL. That is why I would never pay to attend any destination wedding, unless they were willing to pay for everyone who couldn't.

[revrandy]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

The proper thing to do is tell them you are honored they asked, and that while you would love to make the trip and perform the ceremony, your budget does not allow for you to do so.

At that point they will either offer to pay some of your expenses or you will have graciously let them off the hook and they will say "we understand"

Thank you for the suggestion. I had already emailed the family member something similar to what you proposed but have had no response. The lack of response was one of the reasons I posted the question, I wanted to make sure I wasn't missing something.

For no response to come as of yet has me puzzled. This family member carries a Blackberry and always responds within an hour to emails.

[LovelyinLa]

I think destination weddings are great, I myself would like to have one. However the couple has to know that not everyone invited will be able to attend. As previously stated if they really want you there they will be willing to work something out. But you definitely shouldn't feel bad about not being able to afford to go. You will not be the only person who opts out because of budget issues. If you can't make it, get them a nice gift, participate in any celebratory festivities stateside and wish them the best. While I'm sure they will miss your presence they will understand. However, just don't wait until the last minute to let them know. Since you were in the ceremony they will need time to find a replacement.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by gvillesux

i can only say that those who hold destinatino weddings are thinking only of themselves. if you cannot afford to go there, then by all means let them know the ONLY way you will be able to attend or perform the ceremony is if they pay one or both of your expenses. honestly i would think they should pay yours, and you be responsible for your spouse's.

Yep. It is a terribly self-centered thing to do, almost as vulgar as a cash bar at the reception. Shall I count the ways?

1) The expense. Because if you hold a wedding in some place such as Italy or Jamaica, then you are asking guests to shell out thousands of dollars to attend. So basically, you are imposing a hardship on people in a way that's not the same to ask them to fly out to Memphis or Chicago for a weekend. What's more, you are essentially deciding that your guest list can only be made up of people with substantial amounts of discretionary income. Add the logistics of childcare, etc., to the equation and this nice little romantic idea of yours has become a gigantic pain in the ass for anyone who isn't the bride and groom.

2) The time. International travel isn't just expensive. It also means that you'll be taking off at least a week from work. Essentially what you've done is dictated not only when people will need to take their vacations, but where.

3) The really gauche nature of it. Seriously? Weddings are not entertainment in need of a fabulous backdrop. They are a simple ceremony that celebrates an incredibly beautiful moment in the lives of two people. If you need to have a Maui beach or Roman ruins as the setting for your wedding and your last name isn't Trump, then I seriously advise you to get a grip fast.