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Old 04-21-2011, 12:04 PM
 
Location: Containment Area, NC
13,479 posts, read 8,387,373 times
Reputation: 10701
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
Op, I know where you're coming from. My parents were so put out, I had to pay for their airfare, hotel, and rental car as well as my own wedding just to get them to show up.

EFF IT! It's your day. They need to get over themselves. What a bunch of selfish jerks.

Have a wonderful time. We will never regret our wedding in Hawaii...30 people was just the perfect number and everything was gorgeous and wonderful. Congratulations.
Sometimes I think you and the wife are our dopplegangers out there in Texas. LOL!

We had a destination wedding (not too far from home, but still a jaunt, and not cheap) at Biltmore Estate.

We paid for the whole thing (which we didn't mind). However, I paid for my parents to be there. My folks are divorced, and my dad and stepmom offered to pay their way, but since they were driving from the other end of the state, I felt like it was nice to spring for their room.

My mom, otoh, refused to find a dogfights so my stepdad could be there, then I paid for her room, and all her food, all gas, etc.

She tried to skip out on going to the Biltmore House for the tour we'd paid for, but I told her that she'd be upsetting her grandkids so she caved and went. Then, she griped the whole time.

LOL!

Yanno what? I wouldn't change a thing. I'm glad we did it, even though my mom acted like a total bumpkin in front of the butler at the Market Gardener's cottage (went rented it for several days and honeymooned there). The butler rocked. I still have his cell number and we call him direct when we want to book trips there.

Funny thing is that my mom isn't a bumpkin. She's quite familiar with such things as butlers. I think she was just being bitchy.

Family can be such a hoot.
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Old 04-21-2011, 12:06 PM
 
Location: Containment Area, NC
13,479 posts, read 8,387,373 times
Reputation: 10701
Dogfights? LOL. Dog sitter.


ps. My mom got plastered at the reception, and kept accusing me of being drunk. I'd only had 2 glasses of champagne and half a glass of wine over 5 hours. Yeah. I was wasted.
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Old 04-21-2011, 04:05 PM
 
24,607 posts, read 25,730,348 times
Reputation: 32816
It's your wedding. But it's her money. And, despite what every bride wants to believe, it's not all about her on her wedding day.

Weddings are a milestone in the lives of two families. You can't exactly ask Mom to pony up tens of thousands of dollars for a wedding that a large proportion of her friends and family probably can't even attend.

That's the problem with destination weddings, after all. If you have it in Hawaii or Italy or the Virgin Islands, you're not only asking people to spend a lot more money to attend than if you had it in your home town, but you're also essentially telling them where and when they are going to be taking their vacation. After all, you can fly anywhere in the continental United States for a three-day weekend. But once you start asking people to go overseas, it becomes an entirely different kettle of fish in terms of inconvenience. I mean, heck, only 30% of Americans even have passports. So you're telling them to go through a major pain in the ass before they even step on the plane.

To me, the irony is that you're implying that your mom's motivation is that she only wants to throw a big showy wedding for her friends and family. What the heck are you doing by having it in some tropical locale? To me, that's just the same kind of thing. It's just a different brand of ostentation.

Back to the point. Your mom may or may not be trying to outdo someone. That's not really the point. The point is that you're asking her to not only write the check, but to pay for something that she fundamentally disagrees with. So if you want your destination wedding, then knock yourself out. But do it with your own money.
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Old 04-21-2011, 06:54 PM
 
5,244 posts, read 3,019,214 times
Reputation: 1797
Quote:
Originally Posted by nms9747 View Post
Wow! I never once stated that I was "entitled" to my moms money to pay for my wedding. She's told me before that she will pay for my wedding.... now all of a sudden b/c it's not what she wants, she's not paying. I NEVER expected ANYTHING from my parents. This is how I was raised - independent. All they did was keep a roof over my head and food on the table. I purchased my own car, I enrolled myself into college, I learned how to cook, I saved up thousands for a down deposit on a condo, I did all of this without any of my parents' help. My parents never sat down with me and explained what buying a home entails. Never sat down with me and helped me through the college application process. Never explained to me about saving, checking accounts, credit cards, etc. I learned on my own and from my peers... My mom came ONCE to see a house I liked but she made faces and said the place was ugly, dirty, etc.. Don't you think from all the years of doing this on my own since I was a teen, they should be PROUD and WANT to do something nice for me since I'm their successful daughter?!!!! (my sister is getting nowhere in life, no goals, no good job, parents STILL pay her bills at 23y/o) after everything I've accomplished? A token of pride by doing what it takes to see me happy? I would be saving them money at the end of the day.

You see, I don't expect them to pay.. however, I do expect them to be parents and not turn their backs on me because I want something different.

I'm pouting because my family is making me really upset. They're not happy for me, and they are treating me like I'm an adopted child. That's reality - I have no one else to help me through this... that's why I came here for advice from random strangers to see if I'm in the wrong, or if they are... and the reason why I have little use for my family, is because after all these years (I'm 26 now) they've done nothing for me and if there's no solution to this wedding drama, I'm washing my hands of them.
Wow, you sound a little like me SO, being the independent person I am and knew I wanted a different kind of wedding, my husband and I paid for our own wedding and honeymoon. Therefore, nobody else got a say in anything we did AND we did it without going into debt; it can be done if you set your mind to it. I know you know that, with all that you have done. It will be something to be proud of later and you have to consider what is more important to you?--the destination wedding with a few people there that will not include your parents, OR a wedding that will include your parents at a local place.

And, no, you are not alone---you have your fiance that you should be trying to work this through with. Things only get tougher and this is a good way to learn to work through obstacles together as a married couple. Is this destination wedding as important to him as it is to you? What does he want for the wedding? Sorry, if I missed any posts where you may have mentioned this.
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Old 04-21-2011, 07:15 PM
 
Location: state of procrastination
3,458 posts, read 3,487,809 times
Reputation: 2711
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
It's your wedding. But it's her money. And, despite what every bride wants to believe, it's not all about her on her wedding day.

To me, the irony is that you're implying that your mom's motivation is that she only wants to throw a big showy wedding for her friends and family. What the heck are you doing by having it in some tropical locale? To me, that's just the same kind of thing. It's just a different brand of ostentation.
Hrm... very good points. I think I made certain aspects of the wedding all about me (like the aesthetics, dress, etc) but everything else I planned around my budget and comfort for my family/guests.

When it comes down to it, all weddings are ostentatious. You just can't get around that fact.
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Old 04-21-2011, 08:39 PM
 
Location: Texas
27,826 posts, read 22,388,851 times
Reputation: 33009
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post

To me, the irony is that you're implying that your mom's motivation is that she only wants to throw a big showy wedding for her friends and family. What the heck are you doing by having it in some tropical locale? To me, that's just the same kind of thing. It's just a different brand of ostentation.

So if you want your destination wedding, then knock yourself out. But do it with your own money.
1. No one is saying she shouldn't just pay for it herself.
2. Hawaii is a tropical locale and is about as far away from LA as New York is. My trip to Maine for my brother's wedding took as long (travel time wise) as sitting on a nonstop flight to Maui (had to fly to Boston, rent a car, and then drive north through traffic) from the same airport (roughly 7 hours).
3. Doing a destination wedding is about creating a memory in a location that has some meaning for you. It's not necessarily about 'ostentation'. In fact, it is ideal in the sense that just the people YOU care about are there...I'm not sure the op should have a giant wedding full of people she doesn't know or care about just to make mommy happy. That's ridiculous.
4. What's obvious is that this family's support is completely based on getting their way, and that's effed up.
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Old 04-21-2011, 09:25 PM
 
Location: Katonah, NY
15,810 posts, read 8,042,660 times
Reputation: 15685
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
1. No one is saying she shouldn't just pay for it herself.
2. Hawaii is a tropical locale and is about as far away from LA as New York is. My trip to Maine for my brother's wedding took as long (travel time wise) as sitting on a nonstop flight to Maui (had to fly to Boston, rent a car, and then drive north through traffic) from the same airport (roughly 7 hours).
3. Doing a destination wedding is about creating a memory in a location that has some meaning for you. It's not necessarily about 'ostentation'. In fact, it is ideal in the sense that just the people YOU care about are there...I'm not sure the op should have a giant wedding full of people she doesn't know or care about just to make mommy happy. That's ridiculous.
4. What's obvious is that this family's support is completely based on getting their way, and that's effed up.
1. I agree.
2. We got married in Hawaii, too! My family is in Los Angeles, the hubby's family is in Florida and Tennessee (although only his immediate family came anyway), and our friends are mostly in New York. There was no place we could get married that would be convenient for everyone.
3. We only had 50 people at our wedding - all our closest friends and family - well, mostly my family! My family is very tight knit -the hubby's family, not so much. It was the most beautiful, special, heartfelt event. Everyone who came said they had the best time and they had a wonderful vacation, too!
4. I pretty much think my mom is perfect. She's my hero, role model, and best friend. She just wanted me and the hubby to be happy. I can't even tell you how happy she looked at our wedding. She was dancing, laughing, and smiling the entire night! She was happy because she knew how happy I was. That's how it should be. A mother only thinking of herself or her friends, in my opinion, is being selfish and very unmotherly. But like I said - I have an ideal mother. I understand everyone is not so lucky.
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Old 04-22-2011, 12:53 AM
 
2,949 posts, read 2,245,174 times
Reputation: 3079
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
Did the mother ever say that she wanted to just hand over $30,000 (more than many people earn in a year) and have all her friends left out?
The OP said her mom wanted to spend $30,000-$50,000 on a large wedding.

The OP said she would prefer her to only spend $10,000 on a small wedding.


Last edited by Shooting Stars; 04-22-2011 at 01:10 AM..
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Old 04-22-2011, 01:03 AM
 
2,949 posts, read 2,245,174 times
Reputation: 3079
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
I can't really imagine an adult child expecting the parents to simply hand over a huge bundle of cash for a party and then not have the courtesy to ask them who they'd like to invite.

To me that would just be the right thing to do. I could never be so crass as to expect that kind of money from my parents and then just tell them to get lost or that I don't have any use for their suggestions.
The OP suggested they spend A LOT LESS for a smaller wedding. Gee, that's sooooo evil.

You want to make the OP out to be a despicable person, and you repeatedly keep getting the facts wrong.

When exactly did the OP tell her parents to get lost?
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Old 04-22-2011, 01:13 AM
 
47,586 posts, read 33,856,578 times
Reputation: 21520
Quote:
Originally Posted by nms9747 View Post
Wow! I never once stated that I was "entitled" to my moms money to pay for my wedding. She's told me before that she will pay for my wedding.... now all of a sudden b/c it's not what she wants, she's not paying. I NEVER expected ANYTHING from my parents. This is how I was raised - independent. All they did was keep a roof over my head and food on the table. I purchased my own car, I enrolled myself into college, I learned how to cook, I saved up thousands for a down deposit on a condo, I did all of this without any of my parents' help. My parents never sat down with me and explained what buying a home entails. Never sat down with me and helped me through the college application process. Never explained to me about saving, checking accounts, credit cards, etc. I learned on my own and from my peers... My mom came ONCE to see a house I liked but she made faces and said the place was ugly, dirty, etc.. Don't you think from all the years of doing this on my own since I was a teen, they should be PROUD and WANT to do something nice for me since I'm their successful daughter?!!!! (my sister is getting nowhere in life, no goals, no good job, parents STILL pay her bills at 23y/o) after everything I've accomplished? A token of pride by doing what it takes to see me happy? I would be saving them money at the end of the day.

You see, I don't expect them to pay.. however, I do expect them to be parents and not turn their backs on me because I want something different.

I'm pouting because my family is making me really upset. They're not happy for me, and they are treating me like I'm an adopted child. That's reality - I have no one else to help me through this... that's why I came here for advice from random strangers to see if I'm in the wrong, or if they are... and the reason why I have little use for my family, is because after all these years (I'm 26 now) they've done nothing for me and if there's no solution to this wedding drama, I'm washing my hands of them.
Instead of asking random strangers, you should talk with your mother one more time. Put your foot down and tell her if she pays for your wedding, you'll invite her, but if she's not going to pay for it, she's out of your life for good, and you're not only washing your hands of her but your sister and dad as well and that as you already have little use for them so it won't be difficult.

Then if she doesn't give you the money, go to the soon-to-be inlaws and tell them it's up to them now to pay and since they're excited about this trip, most likely they will give you the money.
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