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Pay for your own wedding on what you want to do and invite your mother. If she doesn't come then you know were your relationship with her stands. I would though sit down and talk to her and let her know that you'll be paying for your own wedding and hopes she'll be there for you and will be in your life. Then it's in her hands on what to do.
Actually I'm with you on this - but from what the OP was saying about her distant relationship with her family in the first place and the little love and respect she has for her mother even apart from this, I think it's just the logical course.
Aside from the wedding, according to what the OP said about how her mother has behaved her whole life, I'm not surprised their relationship is distant.
You have to earn respect. It doesn't just get handed to you because you are the parent.
Aside from the wedding, according to what the OP said about how her mother has behaved her whole life, I'm not surprised their relationship is distant.
You have to earn respect. It doesn't just get handed to you because you are the parent.
Very true and I don't know why parents think that children are indenture servants. Never could understand that mindset.
Aside from the wedding, according to what the OP said about how her mother has behaved her whole life, I'm not surprised their relationship is distant.
You have to earn respect. It doesn't just get handed to you because you are the parent.
Which is even more reason for the OP to not want the money or expensive gift of a party from her mother. She hasn't liked her mother for a number of reasons for years, she believes her mother to be a completely terrible person. Why would you want a terrible person to give you money in the first place? You shouldn't want money from someone you dislike intensely, when you despise someone, the last thing you should want from them is their money.
well its been a week since the last post and here's a quick update:
It's been about 3-4 weeks since I've had any verbal contact with my family. I actually texted my sister to see why she's been ignoring me too.
She said I was "a bit rude" the last time I saw her. Well of course I was because her and my best friend were teaming up against me saying how everything I'm doing is WRONG, and how they would do things differently, I'm stupid for not letting my mom pay for a big wedding, I'm stupid for selling my condo and moving away into a bigger house, etc.. I dont butt into their lives and make judgements against them so I said "well if you have nothing nice to say, dont' say anything at all." I just don't want to hear it! I can listen to their opinions all day everyday - but once it crosses a point and becomes disrespectful and demeaning, it's rude. Why bother with them anymore? They are both miserable people, and I think it's a jealousy thing at the end of the day.
I went to my therapist to talk about this family issue & my wedding. He advised that no matter what I do, my mom's the type of person that will never be happy for me. He said alot of other things too but basically - what it all comes down to is I cant change no one, but I can change myself and the way I react to them.
So I have no reason to reach out to them anymore. When my sister was texting me, I could so tell it was her speaking for my mom. Certain words and phrases she texted were straight from my mom's mouth because she doesn't talk like that! My mom/sister were saying how I "TURNED my back against my family", I'm "brainwashed", "selfish", "its my way or no way", I "should be more acceptable of peoples feelings and opinions" "I was so mean to my parents its unbelievable" (let me remind you that I went to my parents house to show them the resort I liked for my wedding and they had no reaction, no happiness, bascially just acted like they didn't give two sh*ts, when they could've atleast congratulated me and hugged me!) ... she even went so far as lying about something my fiance did to try and turn me against him! .. we went back and forth for an hour and I really let it out and pretty much gave them a piece of my mind. I told them that mom is manipulating me with $, she's in a competition with my cousin, how everyone is happy for us and how it doesnt make sense to me that they arent. I said they are acting stubborn for not seeing how the way they are treating me is wrong, etc. I'm so mad about this guys!!! It's hard to just let it go.. it keeps nagging at me lol.
Why is it so hard for any of them to just say to me "look, we aren't happy with the destination wedding.. it's not what we wanted, however, your our daughter and we want to see you happy. Let's start planning to make this the best day of your life!" .. or anything like that?!
they are turning this situation around and blaming me. It's unbelievable. I'm done with my family, I'm not reaching out to them anymore. I'm ALWAYS the one to lend out my hand first, or contact them when an arguement takes place. They do nothing but bring me down so it's time to open up a new chapter and live my life without them.
well its been a week since the last post and here's a quick update:
It's been about 3-4 weeks since I've had any verbal contact with my family. I actually texted my sister to see why she's been ignoring me too.
She said I was "a bit rude" the last time I saw her. Well of course I was because her and my best friend were teaming up against me saying how everything I'm doing is WRONG, and how they would do things differently, I'm stupid for not letting my mom pay for a big wedding, I'm stupid for selling my condo and moving away into a bigger house, etc.. I dont butt into their lives and make judgements against them so I said "well if you have nothing nice to say, dont' say anything at all." I just don't want to hear it! I can listen to their opinions all day everyday - but once it crosses a point and becomes disrespectful and demeaning, it's rude. Why bother with them anymore? They are both miserable people, and I think it's a jealousy thing at the end of the day.
I went to my therapist to talk about this family issue & my wedding. He advised that no matter what I do, my mom's the type of person that will never be happy for me. He said alot of other things too but basically - what it all comes down to is I cant change no one, but I can change myself and the way I react to them.
So I have no reason to reach out to them anymore. When my sister was texting me, I could so tell it was her speaking for my mom. Certain words and phrases she texted were straight from my mom's mouth because she doesn't talk like that! My mom/sister were saying how I "TURNED my back against my family", I'm "brainwashed", "selfish", "its my way or no way", I "should be more acceptable of peoples feelings and opinions" "I was so mean to my parents its unbelievable" (let me remind you that I went to my parents house to show them the resort I liked for my wedding and they had no reaction, no happiness, bascially just acted like they didn't give two sh*ts, when they could've atleast congratulated me and hugged me!) ... she even went so far as lying about something my fiance did to try and turn me against him! .. we went back and forth for an hour and I really let it out and pretty much gave them a piece of my mind. I told them that mom is manipulating me with $, she's in a competition with my cousin, how everyone is happy for us and how it doesnt make sense to me that they arent. I said they are acting stubborn for not seeing how the way they are treating me is wrong, etc. I'm so mad about this guys!!! It's hard to just let it go.. it keeps nagging at me lol.
Why is it so hard for any of them to just say to me "look, we aren't happy with the destination wedding.. it's not what we wanted, however, your our daughter and we want to see you happy. Let's start planning to make this the best day of your life!" .. or anything like that?!
they are turning this situation around and blaming me. It's unbelievable. I'm done with my family, I'm not reaching out to them anymore. I'm ALWAYS the one to lend out my hand first, or contact them when an arguement takes place. They do nothing but bring me down so it's time to open up a new chapter and live my life without them.
If I didn't know better, I'd swear I was the one who posted this 10 years ago, and someone just bumped the thread.
I'm glad you're seeing a therapist and that he's giving you the right advice.
Do not allow jealous, self-centered people to define you. YOU, and only you, get to define you.
This is YOUR life, not theirs. Their "opinion" about what you "should" do, our "shouldn't" do amounts to ZERO. I'm promising you, even if you did everything exactly how they tell you to do it, they will still find something to criticize you for. You can take that to the bank. You will never, ever, ever please these people. Never. You are wise to stop trying.
I have been 100% happier since I redirected my focus on my husband and the new family we created together, and marginalized my family to the degree that they cannot attempt to emotionally tear me down anymore.
I know this is not an easy decision to have to come to, nor is it easy to actually follow through with. But trust me, loving your new husband enough to want to protect him from their ugliness will be a strong motivator to stand firm.
I'm wishing you all the very best in your new life! Have an awesome wedding! And post pictures when you get back!!
How does she sound like a princess
Its her wedding, her husband, her marriage, and her prerogative.
She has the right to have it her way, she sounds completely reasonable
to me, its her family that are narrowminded and stubborn.
Your therapist had it right, you cannot change others, only yourself.
Take your focus off of them, and put your energy into yourself, your husband, your new family and wedding. Believe it or not, it was not me, but my husband who had a similar scenario, and it still eats at him. Don't let it get to you, just let go, no reason to focus on negative people.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jefetio
Your mom sounds like a controlling Witch
and you sound like a spoiled little Princess
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