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"This is all truly so unfortunate and I just wish that i can close my eyes, open them and BAM! new family personalities! O well, I guess everyone has problems and mine was being born into a crappy family "
I don't think any of this is really a surprise, right? If your in-laws don't get along with your parents, this may be a blessing in disguise. A wedding is the beginning of a new life with your love. You are carving a new path so start it off the way you want to.
I have had a decent/good job since i was 18 y/o. They never paid a bill of mine, I bought and paid for my car in full, and now I live on my own and about to sell that house, to purchase a bigger house farther away.
I'm at a loss for words. I dont know what to do anymore. I am completely opposite from my family. Different goals, different hobbies, totally different personalities. We aren't close, I dont get sad when weeks go by and we don't see one another... so what to do?
The OP believes she is very different than her family, quite a bit better than her mother and doesn't feel close to her at all, doesn't really care if she ever sees her.
Did the mother ever say that she wanted to just hand over $30,000 (more than many people earn in a year) and have all her friends left out?
It looks like to me that the daughter really doesn't give a hoot about her family, other than have them hand over money she believes she's entitled to have. Yet she has a good job and income, has plenty of money of her own -- so to me the best solution is just have her wedding the way she wants to have it and pay for it herself. Or since the groom's family is very excited about the trip, let them pay for it.
I guess also almost everyone I know, especially people who have good careers and have lived away from home for many years tend to pay for their own weddings, in fact I thought the trend was not to expect your parents to pay - but if your parents do pay for it, then you include them in on the plans and let them invite some of their friends.
Yes, but how much of what the op says is because her family is so demanding and pushy that she feels she has to stay away? I mean, they certainly aren't acting reasonably now.
Look, I'm totally on board with 'if you want it your way, pay for it yourself.' And I am totally also for grown adults paying for their own wedding. I paid for my own wedding...there's no reason this day and age for parents to have to pay (it's just nice if/when they do).
But this woman's mother is clearly pouting, petulant, and now playing her kids against each other. There is nothing redeeming about this mother (in this situation). Who CARES if she dreamed of all her friends coming? It's not her freakin' wedding! I would think the mother would want to 'hand over' 30k because she was so happy her daughter was getting married. Not some sick 'strings attached' situation.
I see the point in wanting to host your daughter's wedding and invite your friends, because they have probably invited you to their kids' weddings, but a solution to that would be to just throw your own party and invite them.
Yes, but how much of what the op says is because her family is so demanding and pushy that she feels she has to stay away? I mean, they certainly aren't acting reasonably now.
Look, I'm totally on board with 'if you want it your way, pay for it yourself.' And I am totally also for grown adults paying for their own wedding. I paid for my own wedding...there's no reason this day and age for parents to have to pay (it's just nice if/when they do).
But this woman's mother is clearly pouting, petulant, and now playing her kids against each other. There is nothing redeeming about this mother (in this situation). Who CARES if she dreamed of all her friends coming? It's not her freakin' wedding! I would think the mother would want to 'hand over' 30k because she was so happy her daughter was getting married. Not some sick 'strings attached' situation.
I can't really imagine an adult child expecting the parents to simply hand over a huge bundle of cash for a party and then not have the courtesy to ask them who they'd like to invite. To me that would just be the right thing to do. I could never be so crass as to expect that kind of money from my parents and then just tell them to get lost or that I don't have any use for their suggestions.
Traditional weddings usually involved the parents in the plans. Friends on all sides were invited - so if you want to keep the tradition of the families pouring in a whole lot of their money, it seems to me that you would keep the tradition of them inviting people also. This bride has no use for her mother or her mother's friends or her mother's suggestions, but she sure seems to think she's entitled to her mother's money.
I think at least we agree that the OP should just stop pouting, and pay for her wedding herself like so many people today do. She admits she has little use for her parents and sister anyway, well before her wedding plans.
I see the point in wanting to host your daughter's wedding and invite your friends, because they have probably invited you to their kids' weddings, but a solution to that would be to just throw your own party and invite them.
Ding ding ding ding!!!!
This is exactly what is happening next week for us. My parents have been invited to so many weddings of their friends' children that they are feeling obliged to throw a SECOND wedding for my brother so that all the people who couldn't come to his small, intimate gathering can come.
It's not because my brother and wife actually want another wedding.
I can't really imagine an adult child expecting the parents to simply hand over a huge bundle of cash for a party and then not have the courtesy to ask them who they'd like to invite.
This bride has no use for her mother or her mother's friends or her mother's suggestions, but she sure seems to think she's entitled to her mother's money.
I think at least we agree that the OP should just stop pouting, and pay for her wedding herself like so many people today do. She admits she has little use for her parents and sister anyway, well before her wedding plans.
Wow! I never once stated that I was "entitled" to my moms money to pay for my wedding. She's told me before that she will pay for my wedding.... now all of a sudden b/c it's not what she wants, she's not paying. I NEVER expected ANYTHING from my parents. This is how I was raised - independent. All they did was keep a roof over my head and food on the table. I purchased my own car, I enrolled myself into college, I learned how to cook, I saved up thousands for a down deposit on a condo, I did all of this without any of my parents' help. My parents never sat down with me and explained what buying a home entails. Never sat down with me and helped me through the college application process. Never explained to me about saving, checking accounts, credit cards, etc. I learned on my own and from my peers... My mom came ONCE to see a house I liked but she made faces and said the place was ugly, dirty, etc.. Don't you think from all the years of doing this on my own since I was a teen, they should be PROUD and WANT to do something nice for me since I'm their successful daughter?!!!! (my sister is getting nowhere in life, no goals, no good job, parents STILL pay her bills at 23y/o) after everything I've accomplished? A token of pride by doing what it takes to see me happy? I would be saving them money at the end of the day.
You see, I don't expect them to pay.. however, I do expect them to be parents and not turn their backs on me because I want something different.
I'm pouting because my family is making me really upset. They're not happy for me, and they are treating me like I'm an adopted child. That's reality - I have no one else to help me through this... that's why I came here for advice from random strangers to see if I'm in the wrong, or if they are... and the reason why I have little use for my family, is because after all these years (I'm 26 now) they've done nothing for me and if there's no solution to this wedding drama, I'm washing my hands of them.
I also want to add that I went to a therapist before and we have discussed my family dynamics.
My mom had dysfuntional parents. Her mom was an alcoholic, and her parents always fought (I'm going with what she's said to me in the past) - my mom has a brother who left for the army at 18 yrs old... for pretty much half my mother's life, her brother has been away, living seperate from all of us for years..
My dad's parents died when he was 18 yrs old. My dad married young and had 2 kids. He later got divorced, the wife left and took the kids - moving out of state. My dad's sister passed away 5-6 yrs ago, and his brother lives 6 hours away... My dad's entire life and been nothing but people leaving him. So he's afraid to get close to anyone b/c deep down, he probably fears that they are just going to leave anyway because that's what's happened his whole life.
The way my parents were raised effects me. As a child, I was never shown affection. No hugs, no kisses, no pat on the back saying "good job - we're proud of you" Yes we've had family vacations, I did sports, had toys, etc. But that interaction was never there. It's hard to put in writing, but I think some of you get where I'm going with this. My therapist helped me work through this, but it still affects me today. It's hard to just keep it moving, especially when my fiance's family is completely different. I will eventually accept the fact that we will never be that family I've always wanted, but in the future - this teaches me a lesson because I will never treat my kids in this manner, and I will be all the things my mom wasnt.
Well, you know who and how your parents are. Why are you expecting any different?
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I never once stated that I was "entitled" to my moms money to pay for my wedding. She's told me before that she will pay for my wedding.... now all of a sudden b/c it's not what she wants, she's not paying. I NEVER expected ANYTHING from my parents. This is how I was raised - independent. All they did was keep a roof over my head and food on the table. I purchased my own car, I enrolled myself into college, I learned how to cook, I saved up thousands for a down deposit on a condo, I did all of this without any of my parents' help. My parents never sat down with me and explained what buying a home entails. Never sat down with me and helped me through the college application process. Never explained to me about saving, checking accounts, credit cards, etc. I learned on my own and from my peers... My mom came ONCE to see a house I liked but she made faces and said the place was ugly, dirty, etc.. Don't you think from all the years of doing this on my own since I was a teen, they should be PROUD and WANT to do something nice for me since I'm their successful daughter?!!!! (my sister is getting nowhere in life, no goals, no good job, parents STILL pay her bills at 23y/o) after everything I've accomplished? A token of pride by doing what it takes to see me happy? I would be saving them money at the end of the day.
