Wedding Gift Money -- Etiquette Question. (marriage, invites, husband, invitation)
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Last week brought 2 wedding invites and each put me in a "how much/what to give" quandry. I resolved one, but am wondering about the other:
Situation: Good friend's son. Have met the really lovely bride to be on a few occasions. I know the son just a little, he was in his 20's when his mom and I became friends. The bride and groom are in their early 30's and this is a first marriage for both. We will attend the wedding. A little insert in the invitation listed 2 registries as:
Target
DepositaGift.com ("Preferred" )
So I went to the deposit a gift website and indicated the bride's name. A letter from the couple appears that was well written but basically saying they are trying to build a nest egg for a down payment on a house and want money. OK, I will give money.
Now, looking at the website, I notice there is a 7.5% service fee and you can indicate whether you will pay it or you want the couple to pay it. So, if I do use this service, I'll only give $185 v. $200 to cover the fee. I also notice the bride can withdraw it immediately following your deposit. This couple has had some rocky times and the groom has confided some reluctance about the marriage at times to his mom (my friend)...really mostly pre-wedding jitters.
My question to you: I'm thinking of putting a personal check of $200 written to the married couple in her new name "Linda Smith Jones and Mike Jones" in a nice card and giving it to them at the wedding reception. Where I grew up, you always sent your gift ahead so the couple did not have to deal with stuff like that at the wedding. Is this appropriate?
Last week brought 2 wedding invites and each put me in a "how much/what to give" quandry. I resolved one, but am wondering about the other:
Situation: Good friend's son. Have met the really lovely bride to be on a few occasions. The bride and groom are in their early 30's and this is a first marriage for both. We will attend the wedding. A little insert in the invitation listed 2 registries as:
Target
DepositaGift.com ("Preferred" )
So I went to the deposit a gift website and indicated the bride's name. A letter from the couple appears that was well written but basically saying they are trying to build a nest egg for a down payment on a house and want money. OK, I will give money.
Now, looking at the website, I notice there is a 7.5% service fee and you can indicate whether you will pay it or you want the couple to pay it. I also notice the bride can withdraw it immediately following your deposit. This couple has had some rocky times and the groom has confided some reluctance about the marriage at times to his mom (my friend)...really mostly pre-wedding jitters.
My question to you: I'm thinking of putting a personal check in a nice card written to both of them in their married name and giving it to them at the wedding reception. Is this appropriate?
I think your idea is a good one, Squirl.
It was extremely tacky of the bride and groom to suggest that you give money for their nest egg. Especially tacky because of the web site and the service fee. That's nuts! If I were in your shoes, I'd get one of the gifts they registered for at Target and call it a day.
Well, I think it is so tacky of them to do this (on many levels) and that would probably affect the gift I chose, but, if you're more patient than I am and really want to go forward as you stated, then yes, a check would be fine.
Personally, I would instead make a donation to a worthy charity organization in their name and pick out something small off the registry from Target. I dislike the idea of a couple outwardly announcing that they prefer cold hard cash, no matter what the reason. Tacky. It's especially questionable given the circumstances where it looks like the marriage has a less than average shot at making it more than a year or two.
Wow, what nerve to "ask" for money! If you indeed want to give them the money send a check. Personally, I would choose a gift from the registry, the asking for the money just turns me off.
I see no problem with sending a check. However, from experience, I know that checks written to Linda and Mike Jones can be problematic because they will not be able to deposit the check until her new name is official, which takes a while. If they are going on an immediate honeymoon, they will not be able to cash your check and use the money on their trip. Also, they might not have a joint account, and you can't be sure what Linda's new name will be. I kept my middle name and took my husband's last name, which is probably just as common among women who change their names. Linda might not change her name at all, either. I would write the check to Mike Jones only, and in the card write, "This is for both of you, of course, but I didn't want you to have any trouble depositing it. Best wishes to you both! Love, Squirl."
The deposit fund with service fee is a horrible idea.
It was extremely tacky of the bride and groom to suggest that you give money for their nest egg. Especially tacky because of the web site and the service fee. That's nuts! If I were in your shoes, I'd get one of the gifts they registered for at Target and call it a day.
Same here.
Nothing says "greed" quite like begging for money. If that bride were my daughter, we'd be having a little talk on what is and is not appropriate in terms of weddings. Even registries are pushing it, because they were originally meant to be ways of tracking china patterns, not venues for putting one's grubby little fists out for gifts.
I think asking for money is really quite tacky but it sounds as though giving it in nice card at the reception is the classy way to go if you want to indulge them, though from a practical point of view it might get lost among all the other gifts/cards. To be honest I would be tempted NOT to give money simply because of the underlying expectation of it. Call me contrary but....
Personally I find the idea of asking for money or even gifts really bizarre but then again I did not have a "by the book" wedding.
Gifts to me should be freely given and personal and reflect something of the relationship to the couple. I don't even like the gift registry idea. I often find that gifts are registered in shops where there is often not a range of prices for example suitable for all pockets.
I would have been mortified at the idea of asking my Wedding guests to contribute to my little egg nest... Or to have expected them to buy me my Dinner service for example.
Weddings can often become an excuse for emotional ( and financial ) blackmail and it seems to go agaisnt the grain of what I view as a Wedding. An occasion to celebrate your union to the person you love and to be surrounded by friends and family.
Asking for money really is off putting. We asked our guests to NOT give us anything and to instead donate to a charity of their choice. We still got gifts despite this and all are loved and treasured but there was no expectation and all gifts were meaningful and personal to us.
I think asking for money is really quite tacky but it sounds as though giving it in nice card at the reception is the classy way to go if you want to indulge them, though from a practical point of view it might get lost among all the other gifts/cards. To be honest I would be tempted NOT to give money simply because of the underlying expectation of it. Call me contrary but....
Personally I find the idea of asking for money or even gifts really bizarre but then again I did not have a "by the book" wedding.
Gifts to me should be freely given and personal and reflect something of the relationship to the couple. I don't even like the gift registry idea. I often find that gifts are registered in shops where there is often not a range of prices for example suitable for all pockets.
I would have been mortified at the idea of asking my Wedding guests to contribute to my little egg nest... Or to have expected them to buy me my Dinner service for example.
Weddings can often become an excuse for emotional ( and financial ) blackmail and it seems to go agaisnt the grain of what I view as a Wedding. An occasion to celebrate your union to the person you love and to be surrounded by friends and family.
Asking for money really is off putting. We asked our guests to NOT give us anything and to instead donate to a charity of their choice. We still got gifts despite this and all are loved and treasured but there was no expectation and all gifts were meaningful and personal to us.
Now, that ^ is class.
Squirl, if you do decide to give a card with a check in it, I wouldn't worry about it getting lost in the shuffle. Every wedding I've been to has had a basket or special box on the gift table in which to deposit cards. If I give a couple a cash gift, it's actually cash and not a check. Almost all of my friends do this as well.
I've heard too many horror stories of somebody walking off with the basket of envelopes. There goes all the cash and gift cards. I suggest sending it to the bride or groom's house ahead of time.
I think asking for money is really quite tacky but it sounds as though giving it in nice card at the reception is the classy way to go if you want to indulge them, though from a practical point of view it might get lost among all the other gifts/cards. To be honest I would be tempted NOT to give money simply because of the underlying expectation of it. Call me contrary but....
Personally I find the idea of asking for money or even gifts really bizarre but then again I did not have a "by the book" wedding.
Gifts to me should be freely given and personal and reflect something of the relationship to the couple. I don't even like the gift registry idea. I often find that gifts are registered in shops where there is often not a range of prices for example suitable for all pockets.
I would have been mortified at the idea of asking my Wedding guests to contribute to my little egg nest... Or to have expected them to buy me my Dinner service for example.
Many, many moons ago, it was traditional to give china, crystal, and silverware as gifts. Registries arose in the 1920s so that gift-givers would know which patterns to buy.
Unfortunately, that gave rise to the "here's what we want" kind of registry made popular in the last 20 years or so. I can understand wanting to avoid duplicate gifts, but that is why people used to ask the parents.
And not for nothing, but where I live, everyone gives money anyway. The envelopes into a "mailbox" or a bag.
"Oh, don't worry about that. No one's gonna steal that here."
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OK, I will give money. 
So, if I do use this service, I'll only give $185 v. $200 to cover the fee. I also notice the bride can withdraw it immediately following your deposit. This couple has had some rocky times and the groom has confided some reluctance about the marriage at times to his mom (my friend)...really mostly pre-wedding jitters. 
