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Old 06-17-2012, 03:22 PM
 
327 posts, read 237,120 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thebunny View Post
I agree. But I do also see why my fiancee wants him there, he grew up with him from the time he was 12, as a member of the family. They were married for 22 years. So, it is not like the ex was never a part of the family...it is just a tough situation. I am leaning toward not inviting him, but at the same time I am a little frustrated at the sister who is adding and deleting people to the guest list. yes, she is asking each time...but to remove someone my fiancee sees as family because it makes her unhappy for him to be there while adding someone none of us knows (the parents of her new husband) because she feels they should be there is tough to take, LOL.

I guess my issue is that if she can have people she wants there, my fiancee should be able to as well without creating drama.

But the guest list was just finalized, and the ex is not on it.
Well, there you have it. Problem solved. Honestly, I don't even think it's a big deal to the ex-husband. Men don't usually lose sleep over such things. I'm sure he'll understand. Hope you have the wedding of your dreams!!
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Old 06-17-2012, 03:39 PM
 
Location: California
4,404 posts, read 4,523,987 times
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It is sort of a problem solved. I still feel a little bad, but I think it is for the best. I pretty much posted this to make sure that I wasn't missing something major. I am not saying that I let others make decisions for me, but if I had come back to the thread to find 15 "why it is wrong to NOT invite him" I would have rethought.

So thanks all for the input!
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Old 06-18-2012, 09:22 AM
 
Location: Volker, Kansas City, MO
12,062 posts, read 17,883,681 times
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I weasn't around when you posted it, but I think you're doing the right thing even though it kind of sucks.
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Old 06-18-2012, 02:32 PM
 
Location: California
4,404 posts, read 4,523,987 times
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Thanks. It does kind of suck, but in the end, I decided it was the best way to handle it. Although, I do still think it is a little out of line for her to be telling us who we can't invite while adding in people. But oh well...if this is the biggest guest list issue I have, its all good.
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Old 06-18-2012, 03:55 PM
 
3,735 posts, read 2,116,223 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tropical Trouble View Post
The ex shouldn't be at the wedding/reception. The reception is at the sister's house and she is still family, while this guy is not. It's completely disrespectful to invite her ex.

^^^^ The ex has no place at your wedding.

If you and your fiance want to have a relationship with him, you can socialize with him after the wedding. If he's at all mature, he'll understand that it would have been inappropriate to go to the reception at his ex-wife and her new husband's house.
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Old 06-18-2012, 04:03 PM
 
879 posts, read 742,991 times
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Let him come to the wedding to see the important part but he should not come to the reception. If he really cares about your fiance he wouldn't want to go to her house and cause trouble. If he does want to come to the reception you can be absolutely sure it is not because he wants to celebrate. He wants to torture his ex-wife. Your fiance's SISTER.
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Old 06-18-2012, 04:21 PM
 
Location: California
4,404 posts, read 4,523,987 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms_Christina View Post
Let him come to the wedding to see the important part but he should not come to the reception. If he really cares about your fiance he wouldn't want to go to her house and cause trouble. If he does want to come to the reception you can be absolutely sure it is not because he wants to celebrate. He wants to torture his ex-wife. Your fiance's SISTER.
I actually disagree with that. And, after a 29 year marriage that actually was when my fiancee was 5, I think it is fair to say he is his BROTHER. Divorce or not, once that amount of time has passed, the whole "divorce means they are no longer family" thing stops being reasonable. And that is the crux of the issue as far as I am concerned. But it is settled and we are not inviting him.
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Old 06-18-2012, 11:45 PM
 
442 posts, read 212,541 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thebunny View Post
I actually disagree with that. And, after a 29 year marriage that actually was when my fiancee was 5, I think it is fair to say he is his BROTHER. Divorce or not, once that amount of time has passed, the whole "divorce means they are no longer family" thing stops being reasonable. And that is the crux of the issue as far as I am concerned. But it is settled and we are not inviting him.
I think many people with divorced siblings could give similar stories about how close they were to their sibling's wife/husband.

As someone with a divorced sibling, I think the general default position is that this guy would not be invited. Who are you to decide what is the appropriateness of your future sister in law's feelings here?

I do think it is odd that you'd have the reception on her property, but be unable to empathize with her wishes on that matter.

If this was me, I'd never in a million years think about inviting my former sibling in law. For one, I'd be able to empathisize and honor my sibling's wishes. Even if I wasn't though, it'd cause a rift that wasn't worth having...so matter what I would not do it.
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Old 06-19-2012, 01:08 AM
 
Location: California
4,404 posts, read 4,523,987 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aspentree View Post
I think many people with divorced siblings could give similar stories about how close they were to their sibling's wife/husband.

As someone with a divorced sibling, I think the general default position is that this guy would not be invited. Who are you to decide what is the appropriateness of your future sister in law's feelings here?

I do think it is odd that you'd have the reception on her property, but be unable to empathize with her wishes on that matter.

If this was me, I'd never in a million years think about inviting my former sibling in law. For one, I'd be able to empathisize and honor my sibling's wishes. Even if I wasn't though, it'd cause a rift that wasn't worth having...so matter what I would not do it.
I do empathize. And while the decision has been made, the issue that I have is that she is not really giving any thought to why he would WANT the ex husband there. It was all about how she didn't want him there...at no point did she even comment that she would understand why he would want him there. This is also what upset my fiancee, as he did feel a little slighted that she didn't ever consider how he would feel. It also goes deeper as my fiancee lost his older brother in a motorcycle accident, and the ex was there to be the older brother role model for my fiancee.

I did let it go as it is at her house (which we didn't really want, we just decided to do it because she LITERALLY started painting the house, cutting down trees, clearing the yard, and sending us photos of how great it looked while offering the location...we finally gave in because it was obvious she REALLY wanted it there) but am just a little frustrated that she is really excited and trying to help, but sort of forgetting to see how we feel.
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Old 06-19-2012, 08:03 AM
 
Location: here
16,642 posts, read 12,969,340 times
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I think it is the sister's house and if she doesn't want her ex there, he shouldn't be there.

I don't think she should have free reign over the guest list, though. It is your wedding, not hers.
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