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I don't understand what calling it "formal" has to do with anything. It is a catered wedding. No one should show up who isn't invited, and no food should be allowed on the BBQ that wasn't brought by the caterer. There is no way the caterer is going to allow them to throw some corn on, anyway, so I don't know if I'd even worry about that. "Formal" when referring to a wedding has to do with the time of day, the type of dress the wedding party wears, the type of decorations, etc. What you have described isn't formal. I don't understand how calling it that solves any of the issues with the SIL.
the SIL is contributing. the fact that you could have had the reception at the church for free is irrelevant. She is opening her home to a large group of people. Her input should be limited to venue logistics, though; like which bathroom will guests use, when will the caterer arrive to set up, etc. Aside from her ex, she shouldn't have any say in the guest list, or any say over what kind of food is served.
As an aside, did I read somewhere that you expect guests to sit on the ground? I think that is a huge mistake. Even if you don't have tables, you need to at least provide some chairs. It doesn't matter how formal or casual it is, people need a place to sit.
While I agree mostly about the point of her input being related to logisitics I'm not sure how that plays out in real life if it isn't spelled out before hand. Right or wrong, the fact that it is being held at her house does reflect on her in a different way than if the reception was being held in a different venue. I think that by agreeing to having at her house, they've sort of put the SIL in a certain role that she wouldn't have had if she was not involved in the planning at all.
Years ago I cohosted a shower in my MIL's house. There were definitely unspoken rules about what MIL would desire/not desire as far as the shower went, and she did make a few comments about what she wanted to see at the shower. I think that was a tradeoff to having it at her house, that we had to weigh when deciding where to have it.
Bunny, I'll tell ya this - completely off topic and worth exactly what you are paying for it ...you've got problems. Surprised???
I don't think 'formal' or 'informal' is the problem - I think "WEDDING" sorta rules out Billy Bob and Bitsy dropping by for a rib - but the biggest problem I see at this point is you and Spouse To Be are not on the same page.
I agree. And I DO feel for him as it is putting him in the middle MUCH more than he wants to be. But I did tell him, this am in fact, that ifit really matters to him that the reception is at her house, then he needs to support it being done correctly. And that DOES mean that thinking it is ok if people just bring extra people is an issue.
I'll kind of stick up for him. At the risk of sounding sexist, men just do not get it. I'm sure he understands this is a very special day, but really - they don't get it as far as the big picture goes. To those men who get it I apologize profusely, but on the whole men just don't get all twisted about something like this. Their mantra is "it will all work out".
OMG...I have lost count of how many times he has said, it will all be fine. Enough to make me respond that IT may be but that if he said it one more time, HE wasn't going to be. I was MOSTLY kidding.
And it usually does. Usually. But he truly doesn't see what the problem is if the venue has to be moved at the last minute, and there is most definitely a problem there. The logistics can just boggle the mind on a date when you should be more carefree and joyous than ever! The flip side is that if everything was going wonderfully with sister and the weather pooped on your head you'd have that to deal with anyway.
There is that, and it is the weather thing that he keeps mentioning. And I have lined up a few people to handle the "reception move" if necessary. One of them is an event coordinator for a living and she could herd cats.
The bigger problem that I see, and it's probably just due to tension ratcheting up as the date becomes closer, is his insistence to keep sister happy over keeping YOU happy.
I agree. But he JUST doesn't see it. He keeps saying it will all work out, and he knows that I initially wanted to have the reception outside, and at his sister's house as it is beautiful and has all the lush trees that they have in Ohio that we just don't have in CA. He has said a couple of times that he is trying to keep the peace with SIL so I can have the wedding I want. Yes, I know he is missing the point. But he is a "fix it" type guy and all about the end result...so, as far as he is concerned, whatever he has to do to keeo the wedding where I want it is what he will do. Its grustrating, but I understand it.
Plus the fact that for the rest of your natural lives you will have to perpetuate this myth about formal versus informal. I don't think you should lie or be forced into a corner where you have to hedge on the truth with his sister, although lord knows we all end up hedging to some degree with relatives just to keep the world from tilting on it's axis. But I see a puff of smoke on the horizon signaling what could be a situation in the future - putting someone else's needs in front of yours to keep the peace. You might wanna keep an eye on the sky on that one.
Yup. I know. I see the same issues you do. It is just too late to unring the bell, as in order to do that I have to call the SIL, tell her that her brother lied to her, and generally stick my nose into their relationship. There's a nasty smoke puff there too.
Sigh. He's your spouse to be and she's your sister-in-law to be. You sure are starting out on a rocky path....I am hoping everything will settle down to whatever normal is for y'all after this blessed event is over.
Me too. And I am not all that surprised. His family is ALL in Ohio and whenever we visit, they all treat him like he is returning from war, so I am somewhat used to the placate and make happy dynamic...from both sides.
The caterer doing the hog roast is a friend of the SIL. I am guessing he would let her put on corn because they are friends. Unfortunately. In fact, we gave him a deposit and don't even have to pay the full bill until the wedding because"he is so and so's brother". Wish it was that simple.
While I agree mostly about the point of her input being related to logisitics I'm not sure how that plays out in real life if it isn't spelled out before hand. Right or wrong, the fact that it is being held at her house does reflect on her in a different way than if the reception was being held in a different venue. I think that by agreeing to having at her house, they've sort of put the SIL in a certain role that she wouldn't have had if she was not involved in the planning at all.
And that has turned into a giant oops. And it is way more than logistics. She has asked to see my dress, because we are having the reception at her house. I told her no one is seeing it before the wedding, and she responded that as the person hosting the reception, she should have special privledges. She wants us to spend our wedding night on the lawn in a tent so she can fix us breakfast in the AM. She told us there was no reason to rent a car, that she could drive us everywhere we needed to go that week. She has mentioned that she doesn;t like one of the flowers I am using in my bouquet (it is a flower that is a family tradition) and should remove it. She is adding food to the menu, telling people to BYOB, and adding guests. I have NO idea if this would have all happened if she was not hosting the reception as I have no "how she behaves when not the host" frame of reference.
Years ago I cohosted a shower in my MIL's house. There were definitely unspoken rules about what MIL would desire/not desire as far as the shower went, and she did make a few comments about what she wanted to see at the shower. I think that was a tradeoff to having it at her house, that we had to weigh when deciding where to have it.
I am ok with a few tradeoffs. I expected them. But it has gone off into way overboard.
I don't understand what calling it "formal" has to do with anything. It is a catered wedding. No one should show up who isn't invited,
I have been told, and I quote "this is going to be just like a family reunion and you just don't know who is going to show up. People may hear about it, rent a van, and come on up. And of course they are welcome" So, I think appearances by the uninvited are MORE than possible.
and no food should be allowed on the BBQ that wasn't brought by the caterer. There is no way the caterer is going to allow them to throw some corn on, anyway, so I don't know if I'd even worry about that.
As I mentioned in another post, the caterer is a friend of the SIL...so I am guessing she might manage it.
"Formal" when referring to a wedding has to do with the time of day, the type of dress the wedding party wears, the type of decorations, etc. What you have described isn't formal. I don't understand how calling it that solves any of the issues with the SIL.
Because, apparently "formal" discourages the "they can just rent a van and show up invited or not" attitude. According to my fiance. I am somewhat doubtful that this will be the case as if you are willing to "just show up" at a wedding, does "formal" really cause you to rethink?
the SIL is contributing. the fact that you could have had the reception at the church for free is irrelevant. She is opening her home to a large group of people. Her input should be limited to venue logistics, though; like which bathroom will guests use, when will the caterer arrive to set up, etc. Aside from her ex, she shouldn't have any say in the guest list, or any say over what kind of food is served.
Well, there are now 4 people invited I have never heard of. She added them to the guest list. And she has made numerous attempts to add alcohol to the reception by telling people that it is BYOB. ACK by the way. We are low key on the alcohol at this point, as the church is Baptist. So alcohol if the reception is outdoors and none if it is moved to the church. But BYOB????????? Um...no. I waffle if that is better or worse than a cash bar...but neither is an acceptable option.
As an aside, did I read somewhere that you expect guests to sit on the ground? I think that is a huge mistake. Even if you don't have tables, you need to at least provide some chairs. It doesn't matter how formal or casual it is, people need a place to sit.
There are tables, benches on the balcony, hay bales and a large blanket for the people who want to eat "picnic" style. The on the ground is because I am able to plan enough chairs for the INVITED guests but no darn clue how many people I need to plan for if "they just rent a van and show up" so as there is NO way to guess, we are trying to think of something that will accommodate the people who just show up.
Is it possible to put on the invitations an in case of inclement weather reception location? That way whatever happens the guests kind of know about a back up location, and it won't be so awkward to announce a new venue the day of. Although I think the proper thing to do would be to call each and everyone of your guests and let them know at least a week before the wedding that the reception has changed and that it will now be at the church.
That's the plan. We are going to make the decision on about Monday/Tuesday of the week and call any guests. As for the inclement weather thing, we actually have it mentioned on the website when they RSVP that it is a possibility. We did not include anything in the invitations themselves. This issue cropped up after they were ordered. We have been engaged for 2 years, all this happened recently.
But is that how he explained formal/informal to his sister?
As far as I know, yes. As I mentioned, I was not part of the conversation so I am going off of what he told me after. I have no reason to think he lied to me, but I am not sure if what he intended to convey made it to understood.
I get where he's coming from, but if his sister is thinking of it in a different way she will still feel lied to.
I know this. He is convinced it is handled.
Formal doesn't just mean formal wear. Like a formal visit, or an informal visit. An informal visit would mean you are just dropping by, it wasn't planned, its more of in unofficial visit. A formal visit on the other hand was planned, and the host knows you are coming.
Well, I am hoping that formal means we know the people are coming. It would clear my biggest issue which is people thinking it is ok to just show up.
Spend your wedding night in a tent in their yard????
That will always be my favorite. And I say that knowing that she may come up with other things, but that one shall always be my favorite. Luckily, we were able to tell her that we had already booked a hotel.
No, I don't think "formal" would cause people like that to rethink.
Nor do I. So we had to open up the guest list to everyone we could think of to force them to RSVP (or I will call them) hoping they get the hint.
BYOB? No way. That is way worse than a cash bar. Way.
Yup. That is how I usually vote.
I don't know what your last straw will be, but I have a feeling it is coming and there will be no way to keep the peace when it does.
I promise I will keep everyone updated. All weddings, at least from what I have heard, have some drama. My wedding drama all just seems to be coming from one source.
No idea why you would go through all this nonsense unless you are a typical Bridezilla and need to complain, complain complain. Either change it, go to Las Vegas or just shut up and get married at your SIL since you and your fiance are allowing it. Easy choice if you ask me.
No idea why you would go through all this nonsense unless you are a typical Bridezilla and need to complain, complain complain. Either change it, go to Las Vegas or just shut up and get married at your SIL since you and your fiance are allowing it. Easy choice if you ask me.
I didn't.
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...you've got problems. Surprised???
