Sadly Dreading My Own Wedding Whenever it Finally Comes...Here's Why (marriage, ring)
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1st off, I'll say that I don't like attn on myself at all. I'm a humble, down to earth, quiet person who MUCH prefers to stay in the background & just do my own thing.
I don't have a wedding date set, in fact, my long-time SO & I aren't engaged just yet, but I'm pretty sure he's the one I'll probably marry & we plan to be engaged sometime next yr (2015). I'm 39 & my SO is 40. (It will be our 1st marriage for us both.)
I'm an only child. It's just my parents & I & we haven't seen extended family on either of my parents' sides in yrs. My parents are MUCH older than the parents of most people my age. In fact, I fear if my dad will live long enough to see me even get engaged. I don't really have close friends...maybe 1 who I see once a yr. My SO really only has 1 friend too who he sees about as often as I see my friend, maybe a tad more.
Anyway, my SO's family is quite large. He has 3 siblings & they're all married & 2 of them have 4 kids total. I don't really care for any of his family members. They're just not my kind of people...very unfriendly, not warm, & insincere. His mom's OK, I guess. I don't go to his family functions really at all. So I could care less if any of them are at our wedding.
I dread that when it's time to plan our wedding, my mom will literally be THE ONLY person on my side of the family, while his side will consist of at least 12+ people, probably more. I won't have bridesmaids/maid of honor...don't have friends for that.
It's just really going to feel unbelievably weird & awkward because a bride's wedding day should be the best day of her life, but for me, it's going to be like my mom & I amongst all his family in which OUR wedding day will pretty much be the "His family show". I have no idea how we're going to plan this. He'll definitely at least want all his immediate family members in attendance. Then, on one side of his family, he has 8 aunts & uncles.
One thought I had & we had talked about before was having our wedding in Hawaii or someplace & just stay there for the honeymoon. (Whoever can come will have to pay their own way since we sure can't afford to.)
I can't believe I'm dreading my OWN wedding day! Anyone have any kind of ideas whatsoever?
1st off, I'll say that I don't like attn on myself at all. I'm a humble, down to earth, quiet person who MUCH prefers to stay in the background & just do my own thing.
I don't have a wedding date set, in fact, my long-time SO & I aren't engaged just yet, but I'm pretty sure he's the one I'll probably marry & we plan to be engaged sometime next yr (2015). I'm 39 & my SO is 40. (It will be our 1st marriage for us both.)
I'm an only child. It's just my parents & I & we haven't seen extended family on either of my parents' sides in yrs. My parents are MUCH older than the parents of most people my age. In fact, I fear if my dad will live long enough to see me even get engaged. I don't really have close friends...maybe 1 who I see once a yr. My SO really only has 1 friend too who he sees about as often as I see my friend, maybe a tad more.
Anyway, my SO's family is quite large. He has 3 siblings & they're all married & 2 of them have 4 kids total. I don't really care for any of his family members. They're just not my kind of people...very unfriendly, not warm, & insincere. His mom's OK, I guess. I don't go to his family functions really at all. So I could care less if any of them are at our wedding.
I dread that when it's time to plan our wedding, my mom will literally be THE ONLY person on my side of the family, while his side will consist of at least 12+ people, probably more. I won't have bridesmaids/maid of honor...don't have friends for that.
It's just really going to feel unbelievably weird & awkward because a bride's wedding day should be the best day of her life, but for me, it's going to be like my mom & I amongst all his family in which OUR wedding day will pretty much be the "His family show". I have no idea how we're going to plan this. He'll definitely at least want all his immediate family members in attendance. Then, on one side of his family, he has 8 aunts & uncles.
One thought I had & we had talked about before was having our wedding in Hawaii or someplace & just stay there for the honeymoon. (Whoever can come will have to pay their own way since we sure can't afford to.)
I can't believe I'm dreading my OWN wedding day! Anyone have any kind of ideas whatsoever?
Elope, or just have a wedding with DIRECT family (parents/siblings) and your wedding party (best friends, and I mean BEST. People you talk to on a regular basis).
People seem to forget your wedding is just that, your wedding. If you keep it small you won't hurt any feelings (and if you do, they are idiots), and you'll have a lot less stress. I know a lot of people who do this for various reasons (destination weddings, family issues, tight budget, don't want the hassle, etc). It's completely OK.
Also, don't feel bad if he has a "bigger side". Luckily for you, this is the day you are welcomed in to his family. No reason to dread your big day. It's to marry HIM. If you are too focused on other people, you are already going to have issues. My FI and I are planning our wedding for next year and his family is HUGE! To keep it simple we are inviting direct and close family (aunts that I am close with, but he is not necessarily inviting his entire side), VERY close friends, and that's it. It puts us at a decent number (about 70) but about 55 of those are close family alone! I know yours could be much smaller, but I'm just using us as an example. "His" guests are definitely a bigger part of the list. We are not inviting anyone we don't talk to on a regular basis, and all I want to do is marry him. Unless my father/his parents spring for more than a basic ceremony/reception, that is all we are having.
Just enjoy your relationship and your upcoming new journey.
I also am curious why you guys aren't married, given your age. You should be more than "pretty sure". When I got engaged, the only thing that was a surprise was the ring in the box. I think you are worrying more than you need to, honestly. I would personally bring up eloping early on.
Sad story. You and your S.O. are at a vulnerable age. I wouldn't be 39 or very early 40's again for all the tea in China; people in western society and particularly in America are too obsessed with the number 4-0 and almost always see it as being handed a death sentence. Whether or not this is true for you, it's certainly true for your contemporaries, and so that in itself is a stress.
Additionally, your concerns about your parents is heart-rending. At the risk of sounding cold, I'll say that the most painful interval of my life, in retrospect, was the eighteen years between the death of one parent and of the other. Since this interval almost always occurs for children when they themselves are in middle-age, it makes the twenty years between 35 and 55 trying indeed.
I have never married, am extremely glad I have no further mortality to worry about besides my own, and have no wedding advice. I just wanted to empathize with you.
Why are you wasting time and energy worrying with something you can control?
It is generally a good idea not to worry with these things until you are actually engaged and have a wedding date set.
After that, elope, have a small wedding, go to the court house, get married in the middle of a pond if you want then have a big reception after the ceremony.
Edited to add: I don't understand why you are even thinking about marrying this man if you won't even try to get to know his family.
I would venture to guess that you aren't "their kind of people" either but I bet they would try to at least be cordial because they love him.
I also don't feel like I would worry about any of these things until you are engaged with a date set, either.... and then again, I'd probably choose to have a wedding with just the people I want to have there.
There is also a sign that I've seen around a lot for wedding ceremonies that says, "Choose a seat, not a side.... we're all one family once the knot is tied." There is truth to that cutesy phrase, though. His people are becoming your people.... so don't think of them as "his people" or "my people", but "our people."
Thank you so far for the comments guys. Regarding my age, I don't feel a thing about our older-than-usual-to-marry-ages. That's just how it's turning out for us, so that doesn't bother me much. I'm not one of those types who dreads or has any issues with age or the "big 4-0" as they say. I just thought I'd throw our ages out there.
I thought of elopement, but to me, that's like an obvious slap in everyone's face that I really don't want them there. I mean just within myself, I really don't care, but I don't want to deny that to my SO.
Believe me, I tried to be nice & spark conversation w/ his family members. I've gone to past holiday functions of his before & they flat out have ignored me. If I don't say anything at all to them, they wouldn't to me either the entire time. Now out of common courtesy, I do speak to each of them because I'm trying to make the best of it, unlike them. One regret I do have is not trying to get to know his mom better all these years.
My SO isn't even that close to a couple of his family members. He cannot stand his loser father & has pretty much written him off. His dad's screwed him over so many times in life, it's not even funny. He's closest to one brother who he spends a few nights w/ a few times a year. (This particular brother despises their father too & has zero contact w/ him.) He never has contact w/ his sister just to get together...only for some specific reason like planning their mom's b-day. She thinks she's the "queen bee super b--ch". He's got like a (mostly) love/some hate type of relationship w/ his other bro who has the same personality as their loser father. I think the only reason my SO doesn't hang out w/ him more is because they live far apart. He'd hang out w/ him more if they were closer. My SO sees their bad qualities like I do, which he knows why I don't want to deal w/ them. So he's not even that super close w/ them himself.
Any more suggestions/comments? I'll continue to return to this thread.
Thank you so far for the comments guys. Regarding my age, I don't feel a thing about our older-than-usual-to-marry-ages. That's just how it's turning out for us, so that doesn't bother me much. I'm not one of those types who dreads or has any issues with age or the "big 4-0" as they say. I just thought I'd throw our ages out there.
I thought of elopement, but to me, that's like an obvious slap in everyone's face that I really don't want them there. I mean just within myself, I really don't care, but I don't want to deny that to my SO.
Believe me, I tried to be nice & spark conversation w/ his family members. I've gone to past holiday functions of his before & they flat out have ignored me. If I don't say anything at all to them, they wouldn't to me either the entire time. Now out of common courtesy, I do speak to each of them because I'm trying to make the best of it, unlike them. One regret I do have is not trying to get to know his mom better all these years.
My SO isn't even that close to a couple of his family members. He cannot stand his loser father & has pretty much written him off. His dad's screwed him over so many times in life, it's not even funny. He's closest to one brother who he spends a few nights w/ a few times a year. (This particular brother despises their father too & has zero contact w/ him.) He never has contact w/ his sister just to get together...only for some specific reason like planning their mom's b-day. She thinks she's the "queen bee super b--ch". He's got like a (mostly) love/some hate type of relationship w/ his other bro who has the same personality as their loser father. I think the only reason my SO doesn't hang out w/ him more is because they live far apart. He'd hang out w/ him more if they were closer. My SO sees their bad qualities like I do, which he knows why I don't want to deal w/ them. So he's not even that super close w/ them himself.
Any more suggestions/comments? I'll continue to return to this thread.
No it's not a slap in the face -- IF you don't get "engaged" and make a production out of it. If the two of you went to Las Vegas and got married, you could go back home and say on the spur of the moment we decided to take the plunge!
You might have some people a little put out, but most people would be over the moon happy for you. More than a few friends did this (they went to Reno), and none of them suffered any backlash over it.
Really -- getting married is a personal decision, and so is whether or not to have a wedding. You are no less married getting hitched in Reno, than I am having a barbecue wedding, than my friend who out did Princess Diana -- we're all just as married.
If you still have reservations... you can also pull a surprise wedding. Arrange a family barbecue and have a JP show up and marry you two. No fuss, no dress, no flowers just married.
A wedding is just a day -- it shouldn't be the hill you die on or the one your husband's family dies on... it's just a day, and if you don't enjoy it what is the point?
I remember very clearly when we started planning a wedding, I didn't really care about the darn wedding, I just wanted to be MARRIED. I was very clear on what crapola I would put up with and what I wouldn't.
ONLY my fiance, my parents, & his (divorced) mom go to Hawaii where we have a very simple, yet nice ceremony. (He wouldn't want his dad at our wedding in a million yrs & neither do I.) No wedding party, no dancing. Then they fly back home & my then-husband & I will stay for a week for the honeymoon. We return & enjoy the rest of our lives together!
Tallysmom, I so agree! I could almost just go down to the county courthouse (or whatever that bldg's called) to get married. But I'd want something a tad more special. But if it comes down to that, I could. Sure would save a heck of a LOT of money! I'd rather spend that money on a fabulous honeymoon! In fact, that's a great idea because unfortunately, none of us are wealthy here!
We're both 45 and both getting married for the first time. We're having a planned elopement in 4 weeks, and we're having only my parents, 2 brothers, sister-in-law, and niece and nephew (7 guests). We are having no one from his family. We found a lovely B&B about 3 hours away in Virginia wine country with a great elopement package and they have impeccable reviews. We're staying there a couple of extra nights. We're not having any big reception or party back home. We've told almost no one about our plans, just because we want to be very low-key about it. In fact as far as anyone knows (aside from a handful of people), we're not even "engaged." We only started planning this about 5 weeks ago.
We decided that since his parents eloped, and his sister got married last year and invited only her parents, that a precedent has been set on his side of the family, so we can feel free of guilt for excluding them. His family are nice enough people, but we wouldn't have the kind of day we wanted if they were included. In fact, they don't even know about it and he's considering not telling them until after the fact, just so his mom can't insist on showing up.
We are having the exact wedding we want and I'm excited!!
OP, consider planning a wedding tailored only to you and those whose participation is truly important to you and your fiance. I firmly believe that a wedding should not be a source of stress or unpleasantness. It is not about anyone but you and your future husband.
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I don't really have close friends...maybe 1 who I see once a yr. My SO really only has 1 friend too who he sees about as often as I see my friend, maybe a tad more.
