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This. I would go a step further and say that in order to avoid any conflict between who gets invited to a more modest event and who doesn't, you've cancelled the shower. Who is she to tell you what to do, anyway? Bizarre. Then you can hold a simple party at some point, not calling it a shower, and invite who you want. You could even hold it after the wedding, as an intimate celebration between friends, so it can't be mistaken by MIL-zilla as a covert shower.
Why do the bride and groom require a gift haul at a shower AND a second haul of wedding gifts? Why can't they be happy with just the wedding gifts?
This is a cluster fluff and it's not your fault, even though you've been left holding the bag.
I understand weddings are expensive and time consuming and that a wedding party is expected to help with the shower and/or Bachelorette parties. It's also the coming together of 2 families who may have vastly different ideas of what they want for the brides wedding.
I'm sorry for your friend that this woman is going to be her mother in law and I agree that her MIL and the way she is handling the shower is rude and inconsiderate.
However, you're friend needs to decide what SHE wants and then tell you and her MIL.
If she thinks the best way to go is to have the one big shower exactlt as her MIL wants it because it's easier and less dramatic to pacify her MIL, then that is her choice. If this was what my friend chose, I would kindly explain to her that what you can contribute is $xxx be it a shower with 100 guests or 30 guests, this is what you can afford.
If your friend can't understand that then I'd have some serious thinking to do about this friendship.
I am maid of honor in one of my best friend's wedding, and she told me right away that her fiance's mother is a bit pushy. In fact, EVERYONE has told me that she is "a bit" pushy, and that it will be ugly if she does not get what she wants.?
So now not only is your dumb, dumb, oh-so-dumb friend catering to the whims of this nutty person, you're planning on doing it, too?
No.
Nope.
No way.
Frankly, I would have told my friend that she should rethink marrying this guy. That MIL isn't going to get better.
Your friend has married a p***y whipped mama's boy. MIL is going to make her life hell.
If it were me, I would get in the MIL face and say "look old crone, you may run your son and everyone around you but you aint running me. I'm doing the shower my way and you are not invited. Oh and this is Leroy, a local pimp in the neighborhood. He's here to pimp slap you because its been a long time coming. And if you tell anyone what transpired here, they will find you in a box somewhere in Russia." Works everytime girl. Now go have a fun shower!
I have never in my life heard of "inviting every female guest", and I suspect that it is the woman's own self-assigned rule. In that case, SHE should pay for it all. I can't believe the ballz in some people.
If you know the other bridesmaids well enough then you could consider broaching the subject with them to see if they can help out, but I really don't think it would be appropriate.
This whole thing reveals a lot to me. I just hope that your friend won't be living close to her MIL.
I'm finding this whole scenario so outrageous that I'm having a hard time even believing this post is genuine (sorry, when a brand new poster posts outlandish things, us old timers have red flags that go up.)
IF this OP is genuine, OP needs to simply put her foot down. I have never in my life heard of a 100 guest shower. It is very common for one small shower to be for friends, one for bride's family, one for groom's family, and maybe even other showers for work, church, or neighbors.
If your best friend actually expects you to give in to MIL's demands, she's no friend. I'd pull out of the wedding completely before I'd be bullied by this unreasonable woman.
MIL has NO right to dictate the guest list for an event that you are hosting. None. Zero. And she would be the first person I crossed off the list.
Very simple, actually. Stop being pushed around.
If the bride gives in to her MIL's demands on the shower then I predict that she will be giving in to her for as long as she is married to her son.
I have been to plenty of bridal showers in my day and I bet that even the absolute most expensive shower never cost more than $10 to $20 for each of the bridesmaids to chip in.
I can't even imagine a 100 person shower. That is more guests than my entire wedding.
This is outrageous. I also find it a bit hard to believe that the future MIL is insisting you pay for all of those people and invite all of those people after specifically being told you cannot afford it.
You've said the venue is reserved, and you can't back out of paying for it. It's time to get creative. Another poster had some great suggestions for keeping it inexpensive. Cake, punch, a few little snacks like nuts or small candies on the table, and call it done. You and the other bridesmaids need to set a maximum limit you are willing to spend and stick to it. I'd also hand the invitations for the groom's family to the MIL. Tell her if she wants them mailed out, she needs to do so. Postage for that many people is not in your budget.
Have the shower mid-afternoon so people are not expecting a light meal--I'd suggest 2:00 because it's too late for lunch and too early for dinner.
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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I think you're problem is that you seem to be "asking" instead of "telling" the mother in law.
Come up with a number of guests you can comfortably afford. Tell her she can invite X number of guests and to forward you the names and you'll send them invites. Warn her if she gives you more than X names, you'll randomly decide who gets the invite.
Yes, I spoke to her about my options, but she was unwilling to compromise. She will not help us pay, and she will not cut down on the guest list. I also offered the suggestion of holding 2 separate showers, but I received a firm "NO" in response to that as well. She actually went as far as to say multiple times during our phone call that she'd warned my friend to think about these things when deciding who she should choose as her bridesmaids. So I guess in the MIL's eyes, you should ditch your best friends in order to choose bridesmaids with fatter bank accounts...I mean, I understand that bridesmaids DO need to be able to put out money, and we are able to do that, but we cannot afford a shower the size some people's entire weddings! I was fuming on the inside, but I remained calm on the phone. I told her my overall estimated price for the whole shower, and she did not think that it was unreasonable. She responded with, "Well, how much did you THINK it would cost to throw a shower?" I told her that I'd anticipated a guest list of 30-40 people, so I expected the cost to be less than half of what it was! She continued to get angrier and angrier, so I politely ended the call in a stalemate.
Since there was no compromising to be had, a talked to the bridesmaids about our options. At that point, I'd realized I was just going to have to make a decision that was ultimately going to make her even angrier, but what else was I going to do? We decided to hold a shower for the bride's close family and friends and tell the MIL that she could hold a separate shower for her side of the family if she would like. I even changed the date of our shower so that she could hold hers on the original date that we'd agreed upon. Despite all of her unwillingness to work with me, I'm still trying to be civil and work with her as best I can. To avoid another useless back-and-forth, I did send this via text. I explained my reasons for my choice, and ended by saying that I'd still love to have her at our shower.
I did not receive a response from her, but a few hours later, the bride called me. Apparently the MIL was upset about the text (as I'd expected), showed her son, the groom, and the groom told the bride that I'd "kicked his family out of the shower." Now, for the first time, the bride is insisting on having just one large shower. The whole time leading up to now (and we've been discussing ideas for several months), she had described to me a small, backyard shower, and she was fine with the idea of splitting it into 2, especially because the families live about an hour away from each other. So I have a feeling this new push for one shower is due to the MIL's reaction. I told the bride she should not have to deal with this, and that I would talk to the MIL directly.
I just have no idea what to do now though. This has gotten way out of hand. I was sitting here after all of this commotion thinking that I didn't even want to be in this wedding anymore. I'm going have to be at all the fittings, rehearsal dinner, and wedding, and half the people there are going to hate me. But I DO want to be there for my best friend. I'm not actually going to give up my spot. I wouldn't do that to my best friend. No matter what, I will be there for her on her big day and leading up to it. I just really hate drama, and this is all totally unnecessary. I just don't even know where to go from here.
Wow! This is completely ridiculous. I think you've done all you can do. The bride is probably feeling really torn between not asking too much of you, and trying to keep her mom happy. She should be more solidly on your side.
Can you do cake and punch for the large number of people for a reasonable amount of money? That's probably the choice I'd give the bride (not her mom). 30-40 people for a back yard lunch, or 100 people for cake. I don't know if you can even do just cake at banquet facility, though. Is there a church hall, or something you could use?
Man, people can be so selfish!
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