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Old 01-11-2009, 01:03 PM
 
21,002 posts, read 11,331,212 times
Reputation: 5898
Quote:
Originally Posted by chance2jump View Post
First off, I'm just venting. I am not looking to start drama with the family, throw a tantrum, or even voice my opinion to the family. I just need to sound off. Overall, it is none of my business and I know enough to stay out of it.

Second, I need to go on the record saying my FIL has nickel and dimed my husband since the day her turned 17. If my husband needed a loan, needed a few extra dollars to make it to his next paycheck, needed help with a car repair, etc, his father always stepped in to help him out. BUT, also always kept a tally of what was owed. We got married when my husband was 23-24 and I was 26-27. He has been living out of the house since 18 (as have I since 18). He served in the Coast Guard. Worked several jobs at once. Had his own apt. Etc. About a year ago, we paid off the back bill to his father at the tune of $6k. All paid off, said and done. For our wedding 2.5 years ago, we got hitched at the local court and just had a family get together potluck that cost about $300, of which we paid $100 out of pocket and his parents covered the rest. His parents gave us $200 for a wedding present. That was great. We've never asked for much and we never have any expectations of his parents giving us anything. We work hard for what we have.

His father is the sole income in the house. My husbands little sister, 22-23, is still at home and going to school. She has a mountain of student loans for her child education degree; she has a car payment that FATHER pays; car insurance that FATHER pays; and of course they pay for all household expenses PLUS her food. Her only "real" expense is a small credit card she used to buy a laptop (most likely paid off by now) and her cell phone bill. This girl can't even grocery shop for herself or do her own laundry because mother waits on her hand and foot. Their mother cleans houses on the side and is always slipping her cash for clothing and gas. His mom slipped him cash at one time, too, and all that was tallied and paid back when we paid them off last year. Both mother and father are very clear that they help her because "she can't afford to pay for everything by herself, and once she is out of school she has student loans to pay!" We already know she will not be required to pay back any of the hand outs she's had.

Father just took a 25% pay decrease at work because of the economy; he is now making a little less than my husband and I put together. He's tightening his belt - my husband and I just gave him a cell phone that we're paying for for a year because he lost his prepaid one and doesn't have the extra cash to replace it. The current economy is very scary in our area right now.

Little sister just got engaged to 22-23 yr old BF (who has also never been out on his own). She is cornering their father today to "discuss" wedding financials. Just wants to spend $15k and split among her parents, BF's parent, and her/BF. She is taking on the prima donna attitude of "you only get to do this once!" so that she can justify spending a disgustingly large amount of money for one day. Her words exactly were "$23 a plate is not that much." My husband's opinion (which he voiced when she "warned" him to put some cash aside for a tux rental - mind you, she didn't ask if he'd be willing to be in the wedding party) was this kind of money could be put away for a rainy day, a down payment on a house, could put a dent in some of those student loans or could even pay off her car -- since she's already going to have a hard time getting a job out of college, especially one that pays enough to pay off the student loans in the education sector!

My husband and I talked to his parents last night. His father was very hesitant about the price tag daughter wants to spend. His MOTHER, though, was justifying and making excuses for daughter's price tag! ...... I was biting my tongue from dropping "well, if you're going to drop $5k on her wedding, you shorted your son a good $4800"

Why do parents allow this between siblings?

Why do daughters feel so entitled?

Spending that kind of money on a wedding is just plain stupid to the bone.
It is ONLY a marriage...NOT a coronation, not an ascension into heaven even if warped mommys think it is.!

And 50% of mariages end in divorce...and then each wishes they had that money back
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Old 01-11-2009, 01:06 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton
9,342 posts, read 15,595,044 times
Reputation: 9016
I'm not saying that there aren't ways to do it for less, but with the dress, flowers and everything, 15k doesn't sound outrageous.
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Old 01-11-2009, 01:07 PM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 9,110,314 times
Reputation: 3589
Especially not when some brides pay $15K for their gown alone!
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Old 01-11-2009, 01:21 PM
 
5 posts, read 7,866 times
Reputation: 10
This girl who expects her family to pay for all of her expenses and her approaching wedding seems to be a girl who has been desperately spoiled all her life...living like a princess....and where did she get that attitude??? Read too many faily tales where the prince will come and live happily forever after??? I feel sorry for her husband who will no doubt pick up where daddy leaves off...unless he has grown up to be a spoiled brat who has been handed everything as well...
Parents just don't know how to teach their kids to live without everything they want. They want their kids to love them and so buy them off...that's a lot easier. Kids don't know how to work hard, make sacrifices and just do with less...
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Old 01-11-2009, 01:21 PM
 
Location: Lafayette, Louisiana
14,097 posts, read 13,152,268 times
Reputation: 7644
My wedding cost $5,000. Was held in a church and reception was in an old Cajun bed and breakfast built in 1906. She got the dress on clearance, her brother provided the catering and a trolley bus instead of a limo. Entire wedding party traveled on the trolley. Music provided by wife's cousin who does DJ work on the side. Engagement ring was passed down from my mom since we could not find a ring to fit my wife (size 3 1/4). Tux rented. We spent over 6 months planning and shopping for values rather than trying to out do someone else's wedding.
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Old 01-11-2009, 02:04 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
20,578 posts, read 17,107,802 times
Reputation: 28674
Quote:
Originally Posted by chance2jump View Post
First off, I'm just venting. I am not looking to start drama with the family, throw a tantrum, or even voice my opinion to the family. I just need to sound off. Overall, it is none of my business and I know enough to stay out of it.

Second, I need to go on the record saying my FIL has nickel and dimed my husband since the day her turned 17. If my husband needed a loan, needed a few extra dollars to make it to his next paycheck, needed help with a car repair, etc, his father always stepped in to help him out. BUT, also always kept a tally of what was owed. We got married when my husband was 23-24 and I was 26-27. He has been living out of the house since 18 (as have I since 18). He served in the Coast Guard. Worked several jobs at once. Had his own apt. Etc. About a year ago, we paid off the back bill to his father at the tune of $6k. All paid off, said and done. For our wedding 2.5 years ago, we got hitched at the local court and just had a family get together potluck that cost about $300, of which we paid $100 out of pocket and his parents covered the rest. His parents gave us $200 for a wedding present. That was great. We've never asked for much and we never have any expectations of his parents giving us anything. We work hard for what we have.

His father is the sole income in the house. My husbands little sister, 22-23, is still at home and going to school. She has a mountain of student loans for her child education degree; she has a car payment that FATHER pays; car insurance that FATHER pays; and of course they pay for all household expenses PLUS her food. Her only "real" expense is a small credit card she used to buy a laptop (most likely paid off by now) and her cell phone bill. This girl can't even grocery shop for herself or do her own laundry because mother waits on her hand and foot. Their mother cleans houses on the side and is always slipping her cash for clothing and gas. His mom slipped him cash at one time, too, and all that was tallied and paid back when we paid them off last year. Both mother and father are very clear that they help her because "she can't afford to pay for everything by herself, and once she is out of school she has student loans to pay!" We already know she will not be required to pay back any of the hand outs she's had.

Father just took a 25% pay decrease at work because of the economy; he is now making a little less than my husband and I put together. He's tightening his belt - my husband and I just gave him a cell phone that we're paying for for a year because he lost his prepaid one and doesn't have the extra cash to replace it. The current economy is very scary in our area right now.

Little sister just got engaged to 22-23 yr old BF (who has also never been out on his own). She is cornering their father today to "discuss" wedding financials. Just wants to spend $15k and split among her parents, BF's parent, and her/BF. She is taking on the prima donna attitude of "you only get to do this once!" so that she can justify spending a disgustingly large amount of money for one day. Her words exactly were "$23 a plate is not that much." My husband's opinion (which he voiced when she "warned" him to put some cash aside for a tux rental - mind you, she didn't ask if he'd be willing to be in the wedding party) was this kind of money could be put away for a rainy day, a down payment on a house, could put a dent in some of those student loans or could even pay off her car -- since she's already going to have a hard time getting a job out of college, especially one that pays enough to pay off the student loans in the education sector!

My husband and I talked to his parents last night. His father was very hesitant about the price tag daughter wants to spend. His MOTHER, though, was justifying and making excuses for daughter's price tag! ...... I was biting my tongue from dropping "well, if you're going to drop $5k on her wedding, you shorted your son a good $4800"

Why do parents allow this between siblings?

Why do daughters feel so entitled?
I know that you're just venting because of your frustration and all, but you're the one who sounds kind of entitled here. You're picking through your in-laws' financial relationship with their daughter, jealous that they are not doing the same for your husband. I'm sure it's because you love him and you're feeling protective, but doesn't that last line sound entitled to you?

"If you're going to drop $5K on her wedding, you shorted your son a good $4800."
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Old 01-11-2009, 03:09 PM
Status: "Humming "Suicide is painless"" (set 12 days ago)
 
Location: Whoville....
21,232 posts, read 15,037,369 times
Reputation: 10741
Some parents hold to tradition and traditions says the brides parents pay for the wedding and the grooms parents pay for the rehearsal dinner.

Why do parents allow this? I don't know. Why does society tolerate women being paid less than men? I would help a daughter more than a son simply because I know he has higher earning potential in our society.

And paying off student loans is a stupid thing to do with money. You can't get loans that cheap. You can, definitely, make more investing the money than you're paying in interest.
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Old 01-11-2009, 04:05 PM
 
Location: Yellow Brick Road
34,510 posts, read 40,003,623 times
Reputation: 17936
You are very wise to just be quiet when it comes to any discussion w/in the family. If Daddy does not wish to draw a boundary w/ daughter - his problem. Same for mother. They are the parents - it is their money to do w/ as they please, regardless of how they treated their son (your hubby).

It really doesn't matter if it feels "fair" or not . . . once a child turns 18, parents are not obligated to do a thing for that child . . .

One thing I learned long ago . . . it is never helpful to "keep score" in a family. It will only upset you and cause ill will. Parents do what they do b/c they either feel they are obligated to do it or want to do it. Either way . . . it is their decision and it really does not get anybody anywhere to compare "what was done for one adult child as opposed to another."

I look at my relationship w/ my parents as just that - my relationship. What they may or may not do for me as compared to my sisters - I don't concern myself with that. That is their business - not mine.

Rent the tux and participate in the wedding and whatever your inlaws decide to do - don't comment. Until you are writing out the checks, it really is not any of your business what they decide they will do in re: to their daughter's wedding (or any other expense, for that matter).
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Old 01-11-2009, 05:21 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
20,578 posts, read 17,107,802 times
Reputation: 28674
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
You are very wise to just be quiet when it comes to any discussion w/in the family. If Daddy does not wish to draw a boundary w/ daughter - his problem. Same for mother. They are the parents - it is their money to do w/ as they please, regardless of how they treated their son (your hubby).

It really doesn't matter if it feels "fair" or not . . . once a child turns 18, parents are not obligated to do a thing for that child . . .

One thing I learned long ago . . . it is never helpful to "keep score" in a family. It will only upset you and cause ill will. Parents do what they do b/c they either feel they are obligated to do it or want to do it. Either way . . . it is their decision and it really does not get anybody anywhere to compare "what was done for one adult child as opposed to another."

I look at my relationship w/ my parents as just that - my relationship. What they may or may not do for me as compared to my sisters - I don't concern myself with that. That is their business - not mine.

Rent the tux and participate in the wedding and whatever your inlaws decide to do - don't comment. Until you are writing out the checks, it really is not any of your business what they decide they will do in re: to their daughter's wedding (or any other expense, for that matter).
Well said.
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Old 01-11-2009, 05:26 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
12,680 posts, read 20,784,524 times
Reputation: 9765
In most cultures, the brides family pays for the wedding and sometimes even comes with a dowry. It's just a long time tradition. And be glad that your FIL was willing to loan his son any money at all, because he didn't have to. Otherwise, sons don't generally get outright gifts of cash every time they come up short and need money. And in those sad rare cases where the father dies early, his oldest son has to shoulder the burden of taking care of his father's duties towards his unmarried sisters.

What goes on financially in your husband's family is none of your business. And your husband has no say in what happens in your family.

Meanwhile, I gotta ask... what has your father or family done for you or your marriage?
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