Who Should Pay for the Wedding (marriage, girls, fiance, wedding gift)

[cremebrulee]

I have read on other forums the adacity of some children, to expect their parents or in-law to pay for the wedding.

The year is 2009 and in these days, of trying times....to expect a grand show for everyone else is unthinking and selfish.

I read once, where a DIL, was so angry, b/c her inlaws didn't offer and when asked refused to pay for the alchole consummed at her wedding, she was swearing and threatening to forever disconect herself from her inlaws and made the statement, "They will never ever see their Grandchildren", and she wasn't even married yet.

1st. can you imagine being married to a spoiled vindictive brat like that for the rest of your life. I can tell you, that marriage in this day won't last long....she is manipulation and self absorbed to the point of being beyond realistic.

I saw my girlfriend make a similar decission. She lives in another state, it was her 3rd marriage, but she wanted a big wedding, didn't have much money and EXPECTED everyone else to not only fly down to her wedding, but offer to help foot the bill or bring items for the reception.

I told her, why don't you take that money and go on an incredible vacation to an island with your husband to be, get married on the island and have a mirculous happy experience. Otherwise, your going to feel badly when people cannot afford to show up, plus your making everyone feel like they have to contribute b/c your getting married.

We have spoiled our kids. Parents today, think they have to pay for their children's college degrees. I can understand a parent wanting their children to have it better then they did...but, by not allowing your child to work and help pay for college, your conditioning them to believe that you should give them everything, including a huge wedding.

There are some people that can afford a huge wedding and most parents want to work together and help, but not all can afford it, not to mention, not every parent feels they should foot the bill.

And then, when they're parents foot the bill, the daugher or DIL, gets all upset b/c the one footing the bill wants to run the wedding?????

Granted it's wrong in one way for the parents to do that...but on the other hand, instead of insisting on a big show for everyone else...if you want a huge wedding, then work and save and pay for it on your own. Don't EXPECT your parents to foot the bill or go into hock to do so.

I can understand wanting a wedding, but, weddings are so outragously expensive today, why not take that money and get married a little more frugally and have money for a home, or a miraculous vacation and wedding on an island.

Then there are the girls who want to get married in another state, and make all their brothers, sisters and inlaws, not to mention friends, feel like they have to go to the expense of flying down there, getting a motel room, etc. Outrageous and gives a whole new meaning to the word EXPECT.

If you want a wedding like that, then when you go to work, start putting money away and pay for it yourself. It's one day, and to expect parents, b/c they are your parents to foot the bill for your dream, is to me, definately selfish and none thinking.

There are parents who can afford it...there are friends and family who can afford to attend and want to attend, but for the most part...people are way to busy in this day and age, and/or financially strapped in their own lives to expect such an extravagant gift. Then there is the wedding gift, the dance with the bride? When does it end? Pluse the shower gift...it is ridiculous. If people can afford to give, they will send you a gift...but to me a wedding today, is way over rated, and doesn't need to be. The cost is beyond fair...and for our children to expect it, is to me....unfair.

Again, if you want it, work for it, and pay for it yourself, but don't expect it from others...

and again, understand, I'm not talking about the parent who can afford it...but to, if the groom's parents don't want to pay for the alcohol, or the dinner the night before, then you should be prepared to foot the bill. I bet, if a lot more parents made their children pay for it...their children would be a whole lot more frugal and have many less expectations.

I thought this might be a great topic for discussion, what's your take?



What's your take?

[MyPOV]

The people who is getting marry should pay.......anything else is just contribution out of kindness... there are very creative cheap weddings for the poor......should not expect to party like a rock star with a ghetto budget and expect others to pay

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by MyPOV

The people who is getting marry should pay.......anything else is just contribution out of kindness... there are very creative cheap weddings for the poor......should not expect to party like a rock star with a ghetto budget and expect others to pay

I agree, but so many young women EXPECT it today. Can you imagine, what you could buy with that money...? I mean, the cost of the wedding dress alone.

I do know women who shop very wisely and have bought 2nd hand wedding dresses, and they look absolutely stunning, you wouldn't even know it...but to some, that is beneath them...and to spend thousands of dollars on a dress for one day is ridiculous and a big stress on the pockets of the parents.

Yes, big weddings are beautiful...but they have gotten way out of hand, and when I hear the stories about how many parents borrow money to give that to their daughter, to me is so selfish on the daughter's part and very unrealistic on the part of the parents.

[Miss Crabcakes]

My fiance and I are paying for our wedding, which is why we're going the small, destination route with just he and I there. No one has offered a dime so we've decided to keep it as simple as possible. I never expected any help and that's exactly what I got.

[onegreatnurse]

My parents insisted on a wedding even though I objected. I bought my dress in a second-hand store. I was already married anyway by that time and we had simply paid $30 for a wedding license in Vegas and we couldn't even get a room there so one Outback Steakhouse dinner later, we turned around and drove home.

They spent 18K, and that was considered cheap at the time. We only made back $13K of that so we were negative $5K. I didn't ask for anything, my mother decided who, what, where, when, why and how. I wasn't even in the state so I couldn't help and I felt they were paying so it was entirely up to them what to do.

I tried to tell my mother I didn't want the wedding. I was right, now I'm divorced, but she felt she had gone to everyone else's so she wanted everyone else to come to mine. And everything came from my side of the family. Out of his 6 sisters, only one came, gave me a strange vase as a gift, the other 5 and their husbands, as well as his parents, his whole family lived in other states so I didn't expect them to fly to NJ, his sister was able to drive, but they didn't even RSVP or chip in even for the cheapest of gifts. And before you criticize me, it's not the gift it's the thought...not even $5 in an envelope apiece? NO RSVP? What a bunch of weirdos. Not one person showed up for him other than his one sister, who came alone....

If I'm ever crazy enough to do it again, I'm going to Sandals!!!

[nicet4]

Originally Posted by cremebrulee

I have read on other forums the adacity of some children, to expect their parents or in-law to pay for the wedding.

The year is 2009 and in these days, of trying times....to expect a grand show for everyone else is unthinking and selfish.

I read once, where a DIL, was so angry, b/c her inlaws didn't offer and when asked refused to pay for the alchole consummed at her wedding, she was swearing and threatening to forever disconect herself from her inlaws and made the statement, "They will never ever see their Grandchildren", and she wasn't even married yet.

1st. can you imagine being married to a spoiled vindictive brat like that for the rest of your life. I can tell you, that marriage in this day won't last long....she is manipulation and self absorbed to the point of being beyond realistic.

The parents of the bride pay for the wedding.

The parents of the groom pay for the rehearsal dinner.

The fiance of the "spoiled vindictive brat" should run away as fast as his little legs can take him. If he marries her his life will be miserable as all heck.

When my daughter got married her mother and I paid for the wedding giving my daughter and future son in law a budget number we were prepared to spend.

My wonderful son in law is a master negotiator and due to his negotiating skills, this guy knows how to get value out of every penny, they got a wedding for $15k that was nicer than some weddings I've been to that cost $40k.

You do not need alcohol at a wedding. My daughter and son in law opted for a no alcohol wedding savings thousands and thousands of dollars.

On the wedding dress we got lucky, didn't have to buy one.

My daughter wore the silk wedding dress her mother got married in 30 years before which was purchased for $300 in 1946 and worn by her grandmother.

Inflation. What cost $300 in 1947 would cost $2,861.99 in 2008. The dress is a beautiful dress.

The dress is once again sealed in a special container ready for the great grand-daughter coming up in another 25 or 30 years.

The "Father of the Bride" wedding was just insanity.

[miu]

Traditionally, the parents of the bride pay for the wedding. I got married at city hall with a family dinner in a private dining room of a fancy hotel's restaurant. My two sisters had a twin ceremony at my grandparents' seaside Pebble Beach house. He also paid for the hotel lodgings of the guests. For all the young people including the brides and grooms, we all shared a guest cottage belonging to that hotel. It was a lot of fun. The morning after the wedding, we cooked breakfast for everyone there.

My boyfriend's older sister got married about two years ago. It cost about $20k. Their parents are divorced. Both parents plus his sister shared the expenses. His mom paid a bit extra so that his sister could have the perfect (for her) wedding. His mom still maintains a restraining order against their dad. She had her lawyer get a temporary order allowing their dad to be in closer proximity to her for the evening. lol His sister really wanted to be walked down the aisle by her father, even though she thinks he's a jerk. Later on, his mom complained that their dad's current wife (#3 for him) upstaged her daughter by wearing a designer off the shoulder gown.

My boyfriend's younger sister was to be married next January. However they'be postponed the wedding until her fiance gets a decent full time job. He recently graduated as an architect, but there's no work for him in this economy. But when they do get married, it most likely will be very fancy. Because her fiance comes from a wealthy family, they will be paying for the bulk of the wedding so that it will be lavish enough for their tastes. There was some talk of a destination wedding so that their dad couldn't make it. However, money isn't a problem for him and people like us are the ones that wouldn't be attending. His sister has already said that my boyfriend doesn't have to be a groomsman. Yay!!!

I worked a small wedding for 130 guests last night. The bill from the club came to just under $14K. The wedding cake was only 8" in diameter and for the cutting ceremony. There was a tier of fancy cupcakes for the guests afterwards as their dessert. They also had a great live band. From the billing, it seemed that the parents of the bride paid for everything. And the bride had two sisters and they were still single...

What's amazing to me is the bar and bat mitzvahs we've been doing in the $8-13k range... I suppose these parents are taking out a home equity loan against their houses. But of the bat mitzvahs, there is college to pay for in the future, plus her wedding eventually.

[phonelady61]

I worked with a lady who would not even think of doing things second hand . She stated that was for the poor and weak minded . Her daughter was going to have the best of everything and she could afford it . she was one of those that had a major trust fund from her parents and they sure knew how to throw it in someones face . Yes I totally agree with you I cannot see fifty thousand for a wedding .

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by Miss Crabcakes

My fiance and I are paying for our wedding, which is why we're going the small, destination route with just he and I there. No one has offered a dime so we've decided to keep it as simple as possible. I never expected any help and that's exactly what I got.

I think your very wise, and considerate of others...plus, you both, the two of you will have a day to remember, unlike the awful stressful weddings people throw, afraid that someting will do wrong? Caring more about what other people think? Sheesh

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by onegreatnurse

My parents insisted on a wedding even though I objected. I bought my dress in a second-hand store. I was already married anyway by that time and we had simply paid $30 for a wedding license in Vegas and we couldn't even get a room there so one Outback Steakhouse dinner later, we turned around and drove home.

They spent 18K, and that was considered cheap at the time. We only made back $13K of that so we were negative $5K. I didn't ask for anything, my mother decided who, what, where, when, why and how. I wasn't even in the state so I couldn't help and I felt they were paying so it was entirely up to them what to do.

I tried to tell my mother I didn't want the wedding. I was right, now I'm divorced, but she felt she had gone to everyone else's so she wanted everyone else to come to mine. And everything came from my side of the family. Out of his 6 sisters, only one came, gave me a strange vase as a gift, the other 5 and their husbands, as well as his parents, his whole family lived in other states so I didn't expect them to fly to NJ, his sister was able to drive, but they didn't even RSVP or chip in even for the cheapest of gifts. And before you criticize me, it's not the gift it's the thought...not even $5 in an envelope apiece? NO RSVP? What a bunch of weirdos. Not one person showed up for him other than his one sister, who came alone....

If I'm ever crazy enough to do it again, I'm going to Sandals!!!

LOL, most definately know what you mean....

hugs
Creme