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When my husband proposed I called my mom and told her to plan a wedding for me. It was just easier that way. She made me go look at flowers one day just to get me involved. I borrowed a wedding dress from a friend and showed up. True story.
This is now happening to a gal friend of mine. She's getting married October of 2010, and her folks are willing to follow the tradition of paying for the wedding (versus she and fiance paying for the wedding themselves, as that is becoming a trend these days). Now, in their minds, as long as her folks could afford it, she and the fiance should be able to dictate how many people to invite, where to have the wedding (and reception), what type of food to have, etc. Basically, she and fiance think that they should be able to have total control of their wedding, even w/ her folks paying for the entire gig (within the budget).
Well, I guess that's not what her folks have in mind. They are now starting to "exercise" control over their wedding, with the justification of "well, since we're paying for your wedding, we should be able to dictate how your wedding should be."
I wish I could tell her how to navigate this, because my husband and I went on to pay for our own wedding, so I really had no experience on how she can solve this issue of what she wants in her wedding vs. what her folks want for her wedding.
Any advice?
Have her to look at this as a "business transaction."
Have her ask her folks,
If this is a gift, then give it some monetary value; then once given, she has complete control on how to use the gift.
If her folks have certain requests, specific things they want to see as, have them list them.
- be it Invite specific guests, who and how many?
- be certain food served?
- be a certain religion tradition be observed?
Based on those list, she and her fiance decide if those are acceptable part of their wedding.
If the folks don't want to give control, then have her respectfully decline their "gift" and she and her fiance plan and fund their wedding.
This is now happening to a gal friend of mine. She's getting married October of 2010, and her folks are willing to follow the tradition of paying for the wedding (versus she and fiance paying for the wedding themselves, as that is becoming a trend these days). Now, in their minds, as long as her folks could afford it, she and the fiance should be able to dictate how many people to invite, where to have the wedding (and reception), what type of food to have, etc. Basically, she and fiance think that they should be able to have total control of their wedding, even w/ her folks paying for the entire gig (within the budget).
Well, I guess that's not what her folks have in mind. They are now starting to "exercise" control over their wedding, with the justification of "well, since we're paying for your wedding, we should be able to dictate how your wedding should be."
I wish I could tell her how to navigate this, because my husband and I went on to pay for our own wedding, so I really had no experience on how she can solve this issue of what she wants in her wedding vs. what her folks want for her wedding.
Any advice?
I've been there before. My ex's father decided to pay for the wedding. At first, it wasn't a big deal, but as the date got closer and closer, he started making a lot of "executive decisions" that we really didn't approve of.
What we wanted was this: A traditional Christian wedding, with a heavily Celtic slant towards it. We wanted the wedding to be fairly large, but beyond that, we wanted it to be tailored to where it was more meaningful.
He wanted a traditional wedding for us as well, but without the Celtic slant, and with the proceedings leaning more towards the pentecostal side of things. He wanted the large organ playing, thousands of flowers, a large cross hanging from the ceiling, communion, etc.
We sat down with him and went over what we wanted for the wedding as well as what he wanted. Through a process of compromise, we were able to make everyone happy. It took a lot of communication, but once we decided to work with him on things, it all went a lot smoother.
So, here's what we got: A traditional Christian wedding, complete with flowers and communion. Instead of having everyone do communion, we only did it between the two of us. We did have a large cross hanging from the ceiling, but it was a celtic cross. I wrote our vows, but also had the traditional reading from the book beforehand. The only thing that we couldn't compromise on was the organ. We didn't have one, instead, we had a lady playing bagpipes leading us in and out. That was the one big expense that we had to pay for - he would have paid for the organ if we chose that.
All in all, it was a very nice day. Everything went smoothly, and despite the stress of planning a wedding with someone else who's paying for it, it turned out perfect.
My advice, write down what you want, write down what her parents want, and find some middle ground. If they are unable to compromise on any particular thing then they should pay for what they want, and let her parents pay for the rest.
I have a good friend whose parents paid for her wedding. In retrospect, if she had it to do over she would have just eloped. Her parents were very generous but none of it was about her and her intended. It was all about her parent's standing in the community.
Mom picked everything from food, to music, to venue. She even went so far as to go against quite a few of my friends wishes. So much so that more than 10 years later, my friend still refers to her wedding as her Mom's second wedding.
Ohh...this sounds like someone I know. The mom was quite the nose-up-in-the-air socialite; had always pushed the daughter to do things that SHE wanted, not what the girl wanted...join certain groups, hang out with certain people, do certain things, find the right guy (according to mom's standards, of course).
Girl gets engaged, wedding planning starts and you would have sworn it was the mom's wedding instead. No matter where you saw the mom she was always talking about that freaking wedding, to the point where people turned and walked the other way when they saw her because they were sooo sick of hearing about it. So anyway, mom and dad offered to spring for the wedding...which was to be large and lavish, of course.
Future groom's parents run in the same circle but are nothing like the bride's parents. Way more down to earth. They offer to pay for half of the wedding but the bride's mom insisted that they they would take care of it. They were miffed but there was really no changing this woman's mind once it was made up.
The plan: A few hundred guests at a huge venue that is about 50 miles away from where they live. Of course the bride's mom wanted to make all of the decisions from start to finish. If someone was not in "her" crowd, they weren't invited. The bride's best friend was not allowed to be the maid of honor because mom didn't approve. She was interested in making this more of a social event than celebrating the marriage of her daughter. She actually invited a US Senator that she had never even freaking MET! It was insane...to the point where you started feeling embarrassed for the mother because she was being so ridiculous. It was really very heartbreaking because this poor girl just wanted a nice wedding, surrounded by family and friends...yet she had no say in anything. Usually a soon-to-be-bride is giddy and happy. Not so much with this one.
I am not quite sure of all the details about how they pulled this off without anyone knowing (not exactly a huge city) but apparently the lovebirds had had enough and with the help of the guy's parents, got hitched in a courthouse ceremony just over a week before they were supposed to have the big, lavish wedding.
Bride's parents aren't told until just a few days before the wedding. Bride's mom blew a gasket and physically went after the guy's parents. It was crazy. Funny...but crazy. Of course now mom is shamed so she starts bad-mouthing the guy's parents and tries to convince her daughter that she needs to get out of the marriage because they are horrible people, blah, blah.
I'd say it was maybe 6 months or so down the line, the bride's parents filed for divorce (yeah, what a surprise). As it turns out, the bride's father was in on the courthouse ceremony too! Everybody always wondered why he never defended his wife's actions when she went berzerk or why he never shared in the bad-mouthing. Now we knew! lol
Last I heard, the mom had moved to a bigger city and her daughter still refused to have any contact with her. Which in a way is a shame because they have a couple of kids now who don't even know one of their grandmas. Of course, unless her ways have changed...maybe that's for the best.
Moral of the story: People can only be pushed so far.
Oct next year is a long time away. Telling anyone now is just asking for problems. alot can happin in that time. They need to keep their plans quiet untill about 6 weeks before the date after they have already planned it like they want it. If they are already sleeping together they dont merit any real class type wedding anyway.
I think that a wedding is a very important FAMILY event. The bride should get to pick out her dress and bridemaids. But I think that some effort should also be made to make sure the rest of the family and guests enjoy themselves. Especially the older generations. After all, it's a celebration, not a coronation. And compromises should be expected and made graciously.
I think that a wedding is a very important FAMILY event. The bride should get to pick out her dress and bridemaids. But I think that some effort should also be made to make sure the rest of the family and guests enjoy themselves. Especially the older generations. After all, it's a celebration, not a coronation. And compromises should be expected and made graciously.
I agree. And I strongly disagree with the whole idea of "its the BRIDES day" and she should get whatever she want's...which has led to Bridezilla's of all kinds. A wedding is no excuse to be selfish because it ISN'T really just about the bride is it? Whoever came up with that idea ought to be shot.
I also hate huge, cumbersome weddings but that's just me.
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She made me go look at flowers one day just to get me involved. I borrowed a wedding dress from a friend and showed up. True story.
