West Virginia Jokes

[Threerun]

Yup. Not exactly a joke, but a good one none the less.

[harborlady]

Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fell within a week of each other.

It's an ironic juxtaposition: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog.

[WVBurn]

Now THAT was funny! Thanks for the laugh, harborlady.

[harborlady]

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

[millersangel]

A farmer was driving across the New River Bridge in West Virginia one day.

As he neared the middle of the bridge, he noticed a young man fixing to jump.

He stopped his car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your mother and father."

The youmg man replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

The farmer said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

The young man said, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

The farmer said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

The young man asked, "Who's Robert E. Lee?"

The farmer answered:

"Well, just go ahead and jump, you dumb a** Yankee."

[millersangel]

A Yankee lawyer went pheasant hunting in West Virginia.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a pheasant and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that pheasant, I'll sue you and take everything!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in West Virginia. We settle small disagreements like this with the WV Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the WV three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old man. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to his kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the pheasant."

[millersangel]

A farmer was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The farmer looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi- tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".

"That is correct, take one of the sheep," said the farmer.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the farmer says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not," answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the farmer.

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the farmer. "You turned up here, although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog".

[David Kennedy]

Last one...was the best one..thanks.

[harborlady]

I love this thread- check it out.
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